But I Never Promised You

I sighed.

I really didn’t want to tell them yet, but what choice did I have? They deserved to know if they were going to spend time with me.

“It’s a long story. One I’m not sure if you are quite ready to hear.”

“Yes, we are,” Jack replied.

“Okay, well, I was just your average teenager. I did well in school, did well at sports, and was in a lot of extracurricular activities like drama, choir, art, and color guard. I kept myself pretty busy and on the weekends I worked at the local McDonald’s for extra cash. I was sixteen when my father walked out on us.”

Jack took a sharp intake of breath, “I’m sorry Mika.”

“That’s not even the worst part. We didn’t just come home one day and he was gone. We watched him walk out the front door. As he was leaving he said to me, ‘You’re not good enough to keep me here.’ And as much as that in itself hurt me, he walked over to my brother who is a year older than me and said he would call him and they would do lunch sometime. That killed me. He thought enough of my brother to spend time with him after he left us, but not me. And my brother wasn’t extraordinary at anything. He got Bs and Cs in school and didn’t have a job. He didn’t try in the sports he went out for; they were just something he used to get girls. I got As in all my classes. I was on varsity for volleyball, basketball and soccer. I even made soccer captain the year he left. And I was only a sophomore, which hardly ever happens.”

I was almost in tears at this point. Just remembering it was painful, but I took a breath and continued, “Then, he looked at my mother and kissed her before walking out the door. I somehow didn’t do something right and he left.”

At this Alex chimed in, “It’s not your fault, Mika. He may have made it seem like it, but you didn’t do anything wrong.”

I was just glad at this point that I had been wearing long sleeves the entire time I had been around the boys. I didn’t want them to question my scars right now, but somehow, subconsciously, I had pulled my left sleeve up and was tracing one with my finger.

Jack, who was sitting next to me, looked down and gasped, “Mika, your arm. It’s full of scars.”

Looking down, I muttered, “Shit.”

“What?” Jack asked.

“I was hoping to not have to explain that, too.”

“Explain what?” Zack asked.

“The scars.”

“Well, now you have to," Jack said.

I swallowed before speaking again, “The night he left, my brother found me unconscious in the upstairs bathroom. I had cut myself and bled too much and passed out. I hadn’t done it before and I didn’t know that a seven inch cut would bleed that much. I didn’t think I had cut myself that deep, but apparently, I had. They rushed me to the hospital and I spent the next week in the ICU. My mother had called my father, but he never came to visit. I don’t know to this day what he said to her on the phone, but it’s like a crime to bring anything about it up. After that, I sunk into a depression. I stopped eating, but I was still out for all my sports and still got straight As in all my classes.”

I hadn’t noticed, but tears were running down my cheeks. Alex, who was sitting on the other side of me, reached over and wiped my cheeks.

“One day at soccer practice, my coach pulled me aside and told me that I was harming myself the way I was pushing myself so hard and with how little I ate. She basically said that I couldn’t practice anymore until I got my life back together. I hadn’t thought anyone noticed, but apparently, everyone knew. I couldn’t believe so many people knew, but didn’t care enough to try and help me. So, this is basically where I lost myself. My brother caught me at least three more times trying to end my life. I had come to believe my father was right and I wasn’t good enough for anyone, but especially my family. I thought that maybe, if I was gone, he would come back home and my mother would stop crying herself to sleep every night because she missed him. Or at least, that’s what I thought she was crying about.”

We were still sitting in the parking garage and Rian finally said, “Maybe we should go to the store another time. I think having a night in is needed. Something cheerful and mood lightening.”

I sniffled, “Thanks Rian, but really, I’ll be fine. We can go to the store. I want to pick up more cheesecake anyway.”

“I have an idea,” Zack said after a minute of silence. “Why don’t Rian and I go to the store and you three go do something fun. We’ll pick up Mika’s cheesecake and everything else we’re supposed to get.”

I just sat there for a moment in shock. I couldn’t believe they were being so caring and calm about everything I just said.

I started digging through my purse for my wallet. Upon finding it, I pulled out a twenty dollar bill and tried handing it to Zack, “This should be enough for the cheesecake.”

He just shook his head at me, “No, we’ll cover it. We shouldn’t have made you tell us before you were ready. It’s a lot to absorb and I can’t imagine how you must feel.”

“Thanks Zack.”

Alex had opened the car door and was starting to step out. I looked at him and he smiled at me, “Come on Mika. Let’s go upstairs and watch your favorite movie and pig out on junk food. You can even give me a make-over if it will help cheer you up.”

I slid over and got out of the car, “Jack, I know how excited you were to go to the store. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. I’ll understand if you want to go.”

He just looked at me like I was crazy.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“You’re insane if you think I’m going to leave you after what you just said to go to the store. I can go to the store anytime. You don’t just hear one of the saddest things that could happen to a person every day. I’m staying,” he said as he got out of the vehicle.

“We’ll see you guys soon. Okay?” I said to Rian and Zack.

They both nodded.

I stepped closer to Alex and he enveloped me in a hug.

Whispering in his ear, I said, “I’m sorry I ruined your day.”

“Nothing you do will ever ruin my day, Mika. Nothing. Ever.”

I buried my head in his chest, “Thank you.”

He smiled and just held me tighter, “Let’s go upstairs. Shall we?”

I nodded, “Okay.”

The three of us made our way upstairs and back to my apartment.

I had another surprise waiting for me when he got there.

I just wanted this day to be over.