Letters Keep Me Warm
02
Four months. That’s how long it had been since Jack had left. That’s how long I had been at NYU. And that’s how long my heart had been aching. I felt like I was someone else, going through the paces of the day. Sometimes, it felt like I was just a bystander in my own life, watching from empty eyes as I sat in class, did my homework, and then cried on the bed. There wasn’t any light in my life. Jack had been that for me. When my mom had passed away our Junior year, he had been there for me, holding me close and telling me everything was going to be okay. When my older brother joined the Army, and went to war, he was there, holding my hand and reassuring me that he would come back.
And now, that light was gone. Without it, I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t make any friends, I didn’t go out to parties. I just sat in my dorm, useless. The only thing that even kept me alive was his emails. We didn’t get to talk on the phone as much as I would’ve liked, but at least twice a week, I would get long letters from him, telling me what he had been doing, how the tour was going, and how much he missed me. It was my lifeline.
I sat in front of my computer and booted it up, tapping my fingers on the desk as I waited. It had been two days since I had last checked, and I was hoping for another email. I needed it. Hastily, I clicked on the internet and brought up my email, my fingers clicking away at the keys as I entered my password. A smile lit up my face when I saw that he had in fact, sent me something. Shaking in anticipation, I opened it and quickly read it.
My Bri,
Do you know how much I miss you? It’s unreal. As much as my heart hurts right now, I’m sure that it’s in lots of pieces. I can’t wait to be home with you, and hold you in my arms. It’s been too long since I’ve felt your touch, since I’ve seen those pretty green eyes of yours. When I get home, we’re going to get married. I promise you that. And then, you’ll come on the next tour with us. I can’t be without you like this again.
Speaking of tour. It’s going great. We were just in California. I got to meet Paul DiGiovanni from Boys Like Girls. Do you remember when you used to have posters of him hanging on your wall? :D I told him about that. He laughed and told me he was going to give me a run for my money. You wouldn’t leave me for that weirdo, would you?
Look, I’m sorry this is so short, but I’m due for sound check. I love you, Brielle. Always and forever.
Jack
Tears were falling as I read it again. I couldn’t help but laugh at his mentioning of the Boys Like Girls’ guitarist. I had had a huge crush on him, before his band had gotten big, back when they weren’t very well known. Trust Jack, though many miles apart, to make me embarrassed with someone I had never met before.
I clicked the ‘reply’ button and began typing.
Jack,
I bet I miss you more. I went and saw my dad a few days ago, and he says I’m a zombie now. At least you know how to continue with life. I can’t stop thinking about you, can’t stop wishing you were with me. I had a dream about you last night, about us getting married, so it’s funny you should mention that. I would love that more than anything. To be your wife is all I ever want. You’re my everything, and always will be.
Oh yes. I’m going to leave you, the man I love, for some crush. You’re silly, Jack. You tell Paul that he couldn’t have me if his life depended on it, because I’m yours. I’m glad tour is going well for you. School is also doing awesome, I guess. I’m passing my classes, so I guess that’s what counts?
I love you too, Jack. Always and forever.
Brielle.
I clicked send, and then fell back into my stupor, staring at the screen. I wasn’t sure how long I had sat there, but I was started out of my thoughts by a knock on my door. I stood, and pulled it open, revealing Maddy, the girl who lived in the room next to mine. She looked apprehensive as she dry washed her hands at her waist. I said nothing, just merely arched a brow as I waited to see what she wanted.
“Hey, uh, a few of us are throwing a little party. And, I know you don’t get out much, so I was wondering if you wanted to join us,” she said, giving me a sweet smile.
I ran a hand over the back of my neck nervously. I didn’t want to be rude, but I didn’t want to go out and enjoy my evening either. “Um, no thanks. Maybe some other time?”
Her eyes were sad as she nodded. “Yeah, sure. Some other time.”
I shut the door and leaned against it with a heavy sigh. Tears began welling up in my eyes once more and I quickly made my way over to the bed, throwing myself on it face down. I pulled my pillow close to me as I sobbed. I missed him so much. It wasn’t fair, to have him pulled from me like that. It just wasn’t fair.
I cried for hours before finally able to quiet them. When I did, I sat up and wiped at my eyes with my fingers. It was in that moment, when all was quiet, that I felt something in the pit of my stomach. I knew that something wasn’t right. I knew that something bad was going to happen, and I couldn’t help but feel an immense amount of fear. Whatever it was, I knew I wasn’t going to like it.
And now, that light was gone. Without it, I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t make any friends, I didn’t go out to parties. I just sat in my dorm, useless. The only thing that even kept me alive was his emails. We didn’t get to talk on the phone as much as I would’ve liked, but at least twice a week, I would get long letters from him, telling me what he had been doing, how the tour was going, and how much he missed me. It was my lifeline.
I sat in front of my computer and booted it up, tapping my fingers on the desk as I waited. It had been two days since I had last checked, and I was hoping for another email. I needed it. Hastily, I clicked on the internet and brought up my email, my fingers clicking away at the keys as I entered my password. A smile lit up my face when I saw that he had in fact, sent me something. Shaking in anticipation, I opened it and quickly read it.
My Bri,
Do you know how much I miss you? It’s unreal. As much as my heart hurts right now, I’m sure that it’s in lots of pieces. I can’t wait to be home with you, and hold you in my arms. It’s been too long since I’ve felt your touch, since I’ve seen those pretty green eyes of yours. When I get home, we’re going to get married. I promise you that. And then, you’ll come on the next tour with us. I can’t be without you like this again.
Speaking of tour. It’s going great. We were just in California. I got to meet Paul DiGiovanni from Boys Like Girls. Do you remember when you used to have posters of him hanging on your wall? :D I told him about that. He laughed and told me he was going to give me a run for my money. You wouldn’t leave me for that weirdo, would you?
Look, I’m sorry this is so short, but I’m due for sound check. I love you, Brielle. Always and forever.
Jack
Tears were falling as I read it again. I couldn’t help but laugh at his mentioning of the Boys Like Girls’ guitarist. I had had a huge crush on him, before his band had gotten big, back when they weren’t very well known. Trust Jack, though many miles apart, to make me embarrassed with someone I had never met before.
I clicked the ‘reply’ button and began typing.
Jack,
I bet I miss you more. I went and saw my dad a few days ago, and he says I’m a zombie now. At least you know how to continue with life. I can’t stop thinking about you, can’t stop wishing you were with me. I had a dream about you last night, about us getting married, so it’s funny you should mention that. I would love that more than anything. To be your wife is all I ever want. You’re my everything, and always will be.
Oh yes. I’m going to leave you, the man I love, for some crush. You’re silly, Jack. You tell Paul that he couldn’t have me if his life depended on it, because I’m yours. I’m glad tour is going well for you. School is also doing awesome, I guess. I’m passing my classes, so I guess that’s what counts?
I love you too, Jack. Always and forever.
Brielle.
I clicked send, and then fell back into my stupor, staring at the screen. I wasn’t sure how long I had sat there, but I was started out of my thoughts by a knock on my door. I stood, and pulled it open, revealing Maddy, the girl who lived in the room next to mine. She looked apprehensive as she dry washed her hands at her waist. I said nothing, just merely arched a brow as I waited to see what she wanted.
“Hey, uh, a few of us are throwing a little party. And, I know you don’t get out much, so I was wondering if you wanted to join us,” she said, giving me a sweet smile.
I ran a hand over the back of my neck nervously. I didn’t want to be rude, but I didn’t want to go out and enjoy my evening either. “Um, no thanks. Maybe some other time?”
Her eyes were sad as she nodded. “Yeah, sure. Some other time.”
I shut the door and leaned against it with a heavy sigh. Tears began welling up in my eyes once more and I quickly made my way over to the bed, throwing myself on it face down. I pulled my pillow close to me as I sobbed. I missed him so much. It wasn’t fair, to have him pulled from me like that. It just wasn’t fair.
I cried for hours before finally able to quiet them. When I did, I sat up and wiped at my eyes with my fingers. It was in that moment, when all was quiet, that I felt something in the pit of my stomach. I knew that something wasn’t right. I knew that something bad was going to happen, and I couldn’t help but feel an immense amount of fear. Whatever it was, I knew I wasn’t going to like it.