Letters Keep Me Warm
03
I hadn’t heard from him in several months. No emails, no calls. Nothing. Every time I tried to get a hold of him, it just went to voicemail. I was beginning to panic. I felt myself on the edge of the abyss, about to fall headfirst. Sometimes at night, I sat on the edge of my bed, staring off into space. I wondered what I did wrong. I wondered why he was avoiding me. Did he find someone else? Did he not love me anymore? Maybe he was just busy, and couldn’t find the time to reach me. Regardless of what it was, it was killing me inside. His tour was almost over with, as well as my semester of school. We’d be able to reconnect over the summer, I hoped.
As I sat in front of my computer one night, going over all the possibilities, my phone began to ring. I ran for it, tripping over my bed in the process. I lay, sprawled out on the floor, reaching for my purse where my phone was. I finally found it and pulled it to me, flipping it open. “Hello?” I said quickly, hoping for the familiar voice on the other line.
I was sorely disappointed.
“Brielle? It’s Alex.”
I knew who it was. My lips pressed firmly together as I flipped over onto my back, tears stinging my eyes. Alex could call me. Why couldn’t Jack? It just wasn’t fair. I swallowed the large lump in my throat as I tried to speak. Nothing seemed to come out except for a few strangled sobs.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
I didn’t know what he was apologizing for. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to know. For Alex to apologize for something, it had to be bad. And for some reason, I knew it had to do with Jack. He wouldn’t call me otherwise. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, my fingers tight around my cell. My heart was pounding hard in my chest. And yet, no words came. I lay there in complete silence, waiting for my boyfriend’s best friend to continue speaking. Finally, he did.
“He feels bad that it has to be like this, Bri. But, he feels like he doesn’t love you anymore. Being away made him realize that. I’m so sorry.”
The tears in my eyes fell fast down my cheeks. I shook my head, though I knew he couldn’t see it. How can someone fall out of love so easily? It had only been a few months. Surely not enough could change in that time for him to not want to be with me anymore. It didn’t make any sense to me. I bit hard on my bottom lip, trying to stop the tears, but I couldn’t. I flipped my phone shut and turned on my side, curling into a ball, my arms wrapped around my knees. My face pressed into my legs as I wailed. When he had left, I had felt like my heart was breaking, but it was nothing like this. This…this was worse. It didn’t feel like it was broken. It felt like there was nothing left. It hurt to my very core.
My mom, before she had passed, used to tell me that if you loved someone, to let them go. If they came back, it meant forever. If not, then it was never meant to be. I had never thought that she had been right until this instant. I had let Jack go, despite how much it pained me to do so, and he wasn’t coming back to me. It hurt, but as I lay there in misery, I came to the realization that maybe it was fate telling me that there was someone else out there who was destined to be forever. I knew that it would take me time before I would willingly look for that person, but the comfort of knowing that my mom had been right all along made me strong enough to sit up. The tears came to a halt and for the first time, I took a real good look around my room.
Things were a mess. It looked like I hadn’t cleaned in there in a long time. My bed wasn’t made, clothes were strewn everywhere. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I lost myself when Jack had left, and that should’ve been the warning sign. If you loved someone, and they went for their dream, you supported them, not moped around doing nothing. I had been so caught up in the fact that he was no longer around, that I had forgotten that.
I stood and collected myself for a few minutes, taking calming breaths. And then, with purpose, I left my room and knocked on my neighbor’s. She answered, looking quite surprised. “Brielle?”
“Let’s go dancing.”
As I sat in front of my computer one night, going over all the possibilities, my phone began to ring. I ran for it, tripping over my bed in the process. I lay, sprawled out on the floor, reaching for my purse where my phone was. I finally found it and pulled it to me, flipping it open. “Hello?” I said quickly, hoping for the familiar voice on the other line.
I was sorely disappointed.
“Brielle? It’s Alex.”
I knew who it was. My lips pressed firmly together as I flipped over onto my back, tears stinging my eyes. Alex could call me. Why couldn’t Jack? It just wasn’t fair. I swallowed the large lump in my throat as I tried to speak. Nothing seemed to come out except for a few strangled sobs.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
I didn’t know what he was apologizing for. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to know. For Alex to apologize for something, it had to be bad. And for some reason, I knew it had to do with Jack. He wouldn’t call me otherwise. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, my fingers tight around my cell. My heart was pounding hard in my chest. And yet, no words came. I lay there in complete silence, waiting for my boyfriend’s best friend to continue speaking. Finally, he did.
“He feels bad that it has to be like this, Bri. But, he feels like he doesn’t love you anymore. Being away made him realize that. I’m so sorry.”
The tears in my eyes fell fast down my cheeks. I shook my head, though I knew he couldn’t see it. How can someone fall out of love so easily? It had only been a few months. Surely not enough could change in that time for him to not want to be with me anymore. It didn’t make any sense to me. I bit hard on my bottom lip, trying to stop the tears, but I couldn’t. I flipped my phone shut and turned on my side, curling into a ball, my arms wrapped around my knees. My face pressed into my legs as I wailed. When he had left, I had felt like my heart was breaking, but it was nothing like this. This…this was worse. It didn’t feel like it was broken. It felt like there was nothing left. It hurt to my very core.
My mom, before she had passed, used to tell me that if you loved someone, to let them go. If they came back, it meant forever. If not, then it was never meant to be. I had never thought that she had been right until this instant. I had let Jack go, despite how much it pained me to do so, and he wasn’t coming back to me. It hurt, but as I lay there in misery, I came to the realization that maybe it was fate telling me that there was someone else out there who was destined to be forever. I knew that it would take me time before I would willingly look for that person, but the comfort of knowing that my mom had been right all along made me strong enough to sit up. The tears came to a halt and for the first time, I took a real good look around my room.
Things were a mess. It looked like I hadn’t cleaned in there in a long time. My bed wasn’t made, clothes were strewn everywhere. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I lost myself when Jack had left, and that should’ve been the warning sign. If you loved someone, and they went for their dream, you supported them, not moped around doing nothing. I had been so caught up in the fact that he was no longer around, that I had forgotten that.
I stood and collected myself for a few minutes, taking calming breaths. And then, with purpose, I left my room and knocked on my neighbor’s. She answered, looking quite surprised. “Brielle?”
“Let’s go dancing.”
♠ ♠ ♠
The end? xD