To Go From There

I decided to call Marianne for that job. I couldn’t spend all my time with Rhys and Kellen anymore. I needed something to do, something to focus on that wasn’t those boys, or my mom’s cancer. So the next day, 3 weeks into July, I got dressed at 5:15 in the morning. I decided on a white short sleeve cardigan with red trim and a pair of black dress pants to match my white and black Toms. Marianne picked me up on her way and forced me to join in idle chitchat.

“Alright, here we are,” she smiled, pulling into a parking spot out back of Sunny Shine Daycare. I followed her out of the car and into the building. She flicked lights on and began walking me through the different rooms. There was a nap room, a snack room and the learning room. Inside the learning room, there was two sections. One side was the play area where the toys and puppet show stage were set. The other side had tables and chairs, a whiteboard and looked like a classroom, a miniature at that.

She began telling me the schedule and all I really had to do was to take the kids to the bathroom when they needed it, help put them down at nap time. I would help out, keep them from getting in trouble and sometimes, I could teach them, if I wanted.

“Do you got that?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I smiled. I stood at the window waiting. “Oh, and Marianne?”

She hummed in response, putting a few cups of Play-Doh back on a shelf.

“Thank you. This means more than you could possibly know.”

She glanced up at me, a faint smile on her tired face. “Your mother and I have been friends for years, Kiernan. And you? You are her shining joy. There is no way I could abandon you and let you find a job by yourself. I have to look out for you. I would be failing my duties as your godmother if I let you fend for yourself.”

I smiled. I didn’t know she was my godmother. My entire life, I’d only spoken to Marianne a handful of times. And most of them were when I was very little.

“Thank you anyway.”

She shrugged and went back to putting things away. A bus pulled up out front of the daycare. Kids, ranging from 2 to 5 filed off the bus and raced to the bus. A bus assistant helped the smaller children off and made sure they didn’t fall.

“Are you ready, Kiernan?” Marianne asked. But before I could respond, she commented, “Well, ready or not, you’re about to get a crash course in childcare.”

I took a deep breath as the door to the building was pulled open and children poured in.

***

I groaned, laying back on my couch. I was alone in the house again. Gen had disappeared yet again, which didn’t surprise me. I did like the solitude but I wished I had someone to talk to.

I thought of Rhys, of his betrayed look when I finally admitted that Kellen and I are… a thing. I thought of the way his hand felt when he was holding mine. I thought of the way he’d hold me against him whenever I felt scared. I thought of his patience, his honesty. I thought of his hugs, and the way he smelled so good. I thought of the way he’d flick his hair out of his face just for a second before it would fall in his vision again. I thought of the runs we would go on, how he would keep my pace even if I was the slower one. He never let me fall behind. He was truly the perfect man, and yet, I was so scared of not being enough for him.

My thoughts then moved to Kellen. I thought about his kisses, how I pictured his lips to be Rhys’. I felt so wrong for doing so, but I couldn’t make myself like Kellen the same way I liked Rhys. When we kissed, it didn’t mean much to me, and that scared me. Because at the end of the day, did I really want to be the girl that used a boy for sex? No. I wanted Rhys, and he was in reach. So why was I bothering to be with Kellen?

The question stumped me. I sat up, grumbling as I did so. I pulled my lower lip between my teeth and nibbled worriedly. I pulled myself up off the couch and wandered through the vacant house. It was easy to remember things when there was no noise, no motion and no other presences. I remembered the day that Gen’s dad moved out. I remember the day that Mom sat us down and told us she was sick. I remember the time when I was bleeding really bad from my cheek and I couldn’t find my mom anywhere. I had eventually sat down and cried, until she came home. She freaked out and rushed me to the hospital.

I sighed and headed upstairs. I stopped by the window and peered out. When Gen and I were little, we would run around the lawn, for no reason. We would pretend to be princesses, running away from the evil Rat Lords that were trying to kidnap us and force us to get married to the evil Rat Lord rulers, Maximus and Patrimus. The only place that was safe was the small ditch beside our garage, which was hidden by Dad’s old broken down Chevy truck. We would crouch down beside the house and whisper spells and incantations to shield our hiding place.

Alone, I headed upstairs. I missed when I went upstairs to my bedroom and it felt safe, like nothing could ever get to me there. But with boy problems, and Mom being sick, nothing was safe, and everything could get me. There was no safe place anymore.