To Go From There

There was something crossing the line about breaking our bathroom mirror. I didn’t mean to. I just got… mad. The more I cried, the more pissed I got. And I just lost it. I paced and grabbed the hairdryer. I yelled as loud as I could as I flung it. The handle and back end hit the mirror, shattering the glass.

“Are you okay, Kiernan?” Dad asked. I sighed. I wiped my eyes and stared at the cracked surface. My reflection was skewed, and broken. You know that Mulan song? The one that goes, “When will my reflection show who i am inside?” As melodramatic as this sounds, that’s what I felt the mirror portrayed. I was broken inside, from Mom’s death and again what happened with Kellen. And it wasn’t just being beaten. It was everything. It was thinking I could let him in and convince myself I liked him. It was the way that I trusted him and he destroyed that. It was that I let that douche bag in and told him things I hardly admitted to myself and he took advantage of me.

“No. I’m really not,” I called.

“Come on out, love. Please.”

He said it so calmly, so gently, so sweetly I really had no other choice. I opened the door and left, shutting the light off on the havoc I’d caused. He was seated on the step where I’d left him. I joined him on the stairs, sitting two steps down.

“I never got to ask you this… But what happened to your face?” he asked. I laughed, the sound thick and raw from crying so goddamn much. It was a blunt question. It was obvious. I remember that about my dad. If he had something to say to Mom, or anyone for that matter, he had no qualms about expressing it.

So I told him. It wasn’t hard to say it, to explain it. What was hard was closing my eyes and not see the fiery hatred in Kellen’s eyes as he left me in that yard. I closed my eyes and shook my head.

“It doesn’t matter. It’s over now. I’m home, I’m safe. I may be in pain but I’m healing. It hurts a little less every minute. I’m not gonna be up and running a 12K any time soon, but I’m thankful to be alive.”

He nodded, “That’s certainly a good outlook on things. I would’ve been afraid to be alone if that’d happened to me.”

“I’m not afraid to be alone. I’m more afraid of being left alone.”

“I don’t understand,” he said.

“If I were to leave and make myself alone, then I’d be okay with it. But if I were with someone and they left, making me alone, I’d be freaked out.”

He nodded slowly.

“I get it.”

“Alright, enough about me. How’d you and Mom meet?”

“Well, we met a long long time ago. I think it was 1st grade, and our classes combined to marry Q and U’s wedding. She was Q and I was U. She hated me but I was still married to her that day. It was awesome.”

“Why’d you have a wedding in 1st grade?” I asked.

“Well, because we were learning the alphabet, and the teachers came up with a way for us to remember that after Q in a word, came U.”

I nodded. It made sense, I guess.

“Anyway, I moved after that. I didn’t see her until our freshman year of college. We bumped each other at a concert and ended up hanging out all night afterwards. After that, we just connected quickly. It was our sophomore year, she told me she was pregnant. We both picked up second jobs, she went to classes online. And this house, she inherited from her grandpa. She got her degree to be a teacher and I worked at the gas station. I did live gigs on the side, to help out. But eventually, when you were 7, your mother looked me in the eye and told me she didn’t feel like she used to. She lost that spark and that she wanted me to leave. She said that my job in her life, and in yours, was done. She said she wished it was different but this is how it was, and she can’t deny how she feels. So I packed up my shit and left. I wish it was different too. I wish I could’ve seen you one last time. But that’s neither here nor there.”

I sat there, in silence for awhile.

“What have you been doing?” I asked. He smiled.

“Well, I’ve been working with this band, helping them get known,” he replied.

“So you’re a band manager? That’s sweet!” I said, smiling wide. I was proud of my father.

“Yeah, I guess.” He looked happy. I stood up and wrapped my little arms around him. He hugged me back.

“Thank you, for coming back, Dad,” I let him go, kissed him on the cheek and whispered, “I love you.”