To Go From There

The windows were all rolled down and the cool early morning air whipped in through the front windows and out the back. It was just me and Mom in the old Ford Taurus, riding through town and towards the highway. We had the music blaring loudly as I drove. It was a peaceful morning, early and bright already but peaceful nonetheless. We tried not to think about our destination too much. We didn’t talk either. We just let the whipping wind and the loud melodies speak for us.

We were both scared. I was afraid that she wouldn’t come home. She was afraid that she’d be in pain for the next couple of months. We were both frightened of being alone without each other there to guide us. My entire life, I’ve just had Mom. Dad was there for awhile but Mom explained that when I was about 7, my dad “died of a heart attack.” She told me that I was attached to him the entire time he was in the hospital. I slept in his bed and ate his meals with him. This, I learned, was a load of bullshit. My dad never died of a heart attack. He ditched us when I was 7 because he was too embarrassed to call me his daughter. He called me Kiera and Frankie, since my middle name is Francesca. Kiernan was the name he wanted for this extraordinary daughter who would go onto change the world. He didn’t want to associate me with Kiernan. Mom told me that I refused to go to school for awhile so Mom home schooled me. See, Mom’s a teacher part-time so she spent the second half of the day teaching me. I finally returned to school when I turned 9, about 2 years ahead of what my 4th grade was teaching. Mom and I were together almost my entire life except for the summer between 8th and 9th grade when I ran away to my old best friend’s house. Mom was pissed but I had his parents call her and promise that I was alright and made me promise that I’d be home as soon as the next train out of Nashville. Yes, I ran away from Pacific Bay, Michigan to Nashville, Tennessee. No, I didn’t literally run away. I caught several trains and buses. He was smiling from ear to ear when I got there. That summer, something changed and I haven’t talked to him since. I miss George.

“Mom…” I said softly, pulling onto the highway and speeding up to merge without getting hit. Getting hit would be bad, not something I really look forward to.

“Kiernan, I don’t wanna hear it. I have to do this. It’s for the best, you know that.” she said tiredly. I looked over at her through my peripheral vision. She was pale and shaking. I pulled over onto the left-hand shoulder. She opened the door and ran off to the grass, puking up everything she’d eaten that morning. I looked away, biting my lip. My mom, she was so strong. She was always my rock. But I couldn’t look at her when she was sick because she wasn’t my rock. She was my mommy, the one who limped around when I was 7. She was the woman who moaned in pain for weeks before she accepted my help to take her to the doctor’s. She wasn’t herself and I knew she wouldn’t want me to see her in any different light than her 100% healthy, capable, strong, stubborn self. I understood. I couldn’t do it either.

When she got back in the car, I slowly pulled out into traffic and the rest of the ride was silent and we didn’t speak at all. She wanted it that way and I had to respect that. She raised me to be that way and I had to hold onto that.

It was hard to say goodbye once I got her all settled into the cancer treatment facility. I hugged her thin, frail body hard against my own. She started weeping into my shoulder, brushing my soft brown hair away from her face. Tears leaked from my squinted eyes. I hoped that if I closed my eyes, the tears would just go away. It didn’t work out since tears were still streaking down my cheeks.

“Mommy.” I whined as she let go. She put her bony hand to the side of my face, her fingertips touching my hairline while the heel of her palm curved with my jaw.

“Don’t be scared, Kiernan. I’ll be fine. It’s just a few months of losing my hair and tossing my cookies. I swear, I’ll come home brand new and all put back together so you can lose your mind and get your heart broken by that boy I saw you with at the end of the school year.”

“Stop it, Mom.”

“Don’t fall in love with him, Kay. It’s a slippery slope and I want to be there to catch you. I don’t want you to go through that alone. It’s scary.”

“I don’t want you to go through this,” I said, gesturing around her room, “alone either, Mom.”

“Sweetheart, I have cancer. It’s not going away. But this boy, your first real love, it won’t be there forever. Plus, he’s a cutie.”

I turned bright red.

“No, he’s not.”

“Oh, someone has a crush on him!” Mom giggled, poking my stomach.

“No, I don’t. He’s just a stupid boy.” I protested, poking her in the arm.

“Stupid boy, he may be but you like him.”

I blushed a deeper shade of scarlet before she started cackling maniacally. She started up a chorus of, “You like him! You want to hold him! You want to kiss him! You want to hug him! You want to ma-”

“Miss Dunkin?” someone interrupted her. We turned and a man in a long white lab coat stood in the doorway.

“Yes, that’s me.” Mom spoke up. I let my hair fall in my face, hiding my blush behind the curtain.

“May I talk with you?”

“Yes, just let me see my daughter off.” she said. She grabbed my hand and dragged me out into the hall, past Doctor White-Coat. She hugged me again.

“If I come home to find you pregnant, Kiernan, I swear to God, I will have to murder your pretty boy and you’re getting thrown in a convent.”

“Alright. I promise, nothing is going to happen with me and Rhys.”

“Rhys! He has a name!” she shouted, gaining the attention of the entire hall. I clamped my hand over her mouth.

“Mom! Shut. Up.”

“Your nude!”

I let go of her mouth and laughed, “what?”

“I said, you’re rude.”

“Oh, because that sure as hell isn’t what it sounded like!”

“Whatever, Kiernan. Go home.” she chuckled. I hugged my mommy one last time and kissed her cheek, heading towards the car.

“I’mma miss you, Mom.” I said, pushing open the door and waving.

“I already do.” she replied and I stepped out into the warm sunshine from the cool air conditioning of the Allegiance Health center. It felt nice on my pale skin. I made my way to the car and prepared myself for the long, lonely drive home. I wasn’t looking forward to it. She was there for the drive here, and that was awkward enough. Driving home, it’d be just too easy to just take a wrong route and just get lost for a few weeks. I have the money Mom put on my debit card so I could survive the summer. Genesee wouldn’t miss me and she had a job, sort of. I didn’t want to go back to that wretched place. I didn’t want to go back when my mom wasn’t going back with me.

I got in the now empty dark blue Ford Taurus. I rested my head against the steering wheel, tears dripping down my cheeks and onto my shorts. My thighs weren’t exactly covered by the fabric but I was in the car all day so no one could see the exposed skin. I started the car and waiting until it revved down before throwing it into reverse. I backed out and was on my way. I didn’t know if I’d make it home but I knew I had to get away from the cancer plaguing the bodies of poor individuals behind my rear bumper. I had to get away. I would’ve stayed if I knew what would happen when I got to where I was going.