He Won't Be Coming Home

I was busy at work in the coffee shop, making up someone's iced mocha frappachino. Though the letter from Matt was depressing and I had a hard time coping with the things that he was dealing with, I was at least looking on the bright side that he hadn't suffered any extremely horrific accidents. Going into work helped a lot when it came to busying myself, but was only temporary.

Just as I was pouring the drink into the cup for the customer, I felt my cell phone vibrating in my pocket. Though we weren't allowed to really be on personal calls during our work hours, I figured it might have been an emergency or something with Sarah, being that her due date was only about two weeks away. So, I stopped the machine for a moment to answer it before getting back to work.

"Hello?"

"Jay..." came the one voice I definitely wasn't expecting.

"Matt!?" I almost screeched in surprise and excitement, stopping in my tracks. "Oh my God, it's so good to hear your voice after so long," I said quieter.

"I know baby, me too," he replied, but I detected something in his voice that I couldn't quite define.

"So they let you call? I wouldn't think-"

"Jayvee... baby..." Matt said solemnly, cutting me off in mid-sentence.

"Matt, is everything alright? Are you okay?" I asked hurriedly, glancing at the customer I was still making the drink for. The woman was quickly growing impatient.

"No, I'm fine. But... There's been an accident."

"An accident? What kind of accident?" I asked, feeling my heart rate speed up. "Did something happen to Zacky? Is he okay?" I asked, starting to panic.

I heard Matt take a deep sigh. When he started to talk, I could hear the tears in his voice. "Zacky... he..." Matt paused, and I heard him sniffle before continuing. "H-he... He got shot, he finished, and my heart beat quickened even more.

"No..." I whispered.

"Baby, he's he's dead," Matt said, and I heard his crying though the phone. I paid no mind to the iced drink in my hand as my grip lessened and it went tumbling to the ground, spilling all over the tile floor.

"Hey, my drink!" the woman protested, but she sounded so far away and insignificant to me.

"No... No, he isn'. Please tell me he isn't Matt," I whimpered, holding my hand to my heart, feeling the rapid pulse through my palm.

"I - I wish I could tell you it wasn't true. But I was there. A-and I saw it. He died in my arms..."

I felt my eyes start to sting and I stumbled backwards, leaning against a cabinet and sliding down to the floor.

"Matt... He can't... He's not," I stuttered, and then brought my hand up to shield my eyes. "Oh my God," I cried out, and I just let it all go, not caring if people in the coffee shop were staring at me.

"Jayvee, sweetie... Shh..." Matt tried to comfort through the phone. He knew how much this hurt me. Zacky was like a brother to me; we'd always been extremely close. "Listen," he sniffled again. "I can't talk too long. They only let me call because of... They are sending his casket to America. It will be brought to our house in a hearse when it gets there, on my orders. They're sending a letter to Sarah's house. I... I'm worried about her. Please, don't let anything bad happen to her, okay? Not now.... I gotta go, I love you," Matt said, and I could hear this was killing him through the strain in his voice. "Matt, no! Please don't go," I cried harder into the phone, but the line went dead. I closed my cell and hid my face in my hands, not moving from that spot. The entire shop was silent except for the sounds of my own sobs. I didnt dare look up to see how many people were looking.

"Jayvee" I heard a soft voice say from next to me. I looked up through my bleary vision and saw my boss, Ruth, crouched next to me. "Are you okay?"

"No," I mumbled, shaking my head. "I need to go home," I said, wiping my tears from my red-tinged cheeks. Ruth nodded and helped me to my feet, getting another worker to come clean up the mess I had made.

I sat in my car for a couple minutes, my hands shaking as I gripped the steering wheel. I had to wait a moment before driving out of the parking lot because I wasn't sure I'd be able to make it home safely.

As I drove, I came up to Zacky and Sarah's house. I choked on my tears at the thought of Zacky again. I decided to stop there, and I pulled into the drive. I slowly walked up the front walk to the porch, where the mailbox was nailed to the wall by the door. I hesitated opening the lid, but when I finally did, I saw a white envelope. I picked it up and read the front. The address was typed by computer. It was real. It all really happened.

I trudged my way into my own home. I took my shoes off slowly and shut the door, the resounding noise echoing through the silent house.

"Jay?" I heard called from upstairs, followed by footsteps coming down them when I didn't answer. Sarah appeared at the bottom of the stairs with a smile on her face - she must have been having a good day. I felt terrible that I was about to ruin it all. "You're home from work early..."

I looked up at her with sad eyes, and she must've noticed the red tinge to my cheeks, because her smile soon vanished. "Is everything okay?"

I sighed and squeezed my eyes shut against the tears I could feel coming. When I opened them again, a look of deep concern was on Sarah's face. "I think... I think you should... sit," I said shakily, toying with the envelope in my hands. I looked down at it briefly before looking back up. Sarah followed my gaze and, upon seeing the envelope, took a seat down at the kitchen table.

"What is that?" she asked, but I was pretty sure she had a bit of an idea already.

"I - I got a call today... from Matt," I said, pausing and placing my hand over my lips, contemplating what I should say next. My breathing hitched as another tear escaped my eye. "I'm so sorry, Sarah," I said quietly, my eyes welling up. I swallowed hard and took a breath. "Matt... he told me that Zacky was killed."

"What?! That's not even funny..." Sarah said, and she looked pissed.

"I'm serious... Sarah, he's gone," I whispered, and I set the envelope down in front of her. She looked down at it blankly before reaching out to open it. She pulled out a piece of paper and looked at it.

"It is with our sincere regret that we inform you of the death of Private E-2 Zachary Baker, killed in action," she read aloud, her eyebrows furrowing. She placed the letter aside and turned the envelope upside down, allowing two dog tags on a chain to clatter against the table. She picked them up and just stared at them. Her face was blank, but the look in her eyes said it all. Tears just started flowing before the frown even came to her lips.

"No..." she said, shaking her head. Clutching the dog tags in one hand, she rested her head in her arms on the tabletop, her body beginning to convulse with her sobs. I wiped my own tears away and walked up behind her, placing my hand on her shoulder. She moved, shrugging me away.

"Don't touch me..." she cried, and then suddenly picked her head up, her knuckles on the hand gripping the dog tags turning white. She let out a scream of anger as her face contorted and threw the tags as hard as she could at the wall, leaving a small dent. "How could you do this to me, Zacky?" she wailed out, slumping back in the chair and putting her face in her hands much like I had earlier.

"Sarah... it's okay," I whispered to her.

"It's OKAY? How is this okay? This is not fucking okay," she screamed at me, glaring hard. I took a cautious step back. "How is it okay that my husband is dead and I have to take care of this baby all by myself? Tell me how the hell that is okay," she said, her voice breaking as she completely just broke down.

I pulled her into my arms and she didn't push away, but cried into my shirt. "Why?" she sobbed, starting to hiccup and lose her breath from crying so hard. I slowly rubbed her back as I just let her go on like that.

"Owww," Sarah cried out suddenly, pulling away and clutching her stomach.

"What is it?" I asked frantically.

"It hurts," she groaned. I glanced under the table to see that the floor was wet, and then to her jeans, which were also wet.

"S-Sarah, calm down. You're... you're going into labor," I said, alarmed because she wasn't due for a few weeks.

"What?! I can't...it's not time," she said, sounding just as panicked as I felt.

"Come on, I gotta get you to the hospital," I rushed, getting Sarah's shoes and putting them on her feet. Surprisingly she complied, and we were on our way to the hospital in no time.

"Jay, I can't do this,' Sarah said in a small voice, my hand held tightly in hers. The doctor had just come in to check on her and told us he was off to get his staff. By the time they came back, he said, it would be time to start.

"Yes, you can. And I'm right here for you. You can do this," I soothed, my eyes tired from crying for a good portion of the day.

Sarah rested back into the pillows behind her, sighing. "I don't want to do this," she mumbled. Her tears were still falling, but she'd tired herself out so much from crying that they just fell silently. Just as she closed her eyes, the door to the room opened and the doctor and his nurses came in, ready to go. Sarah groaned.

"Are we ready to go?" the doctor asked.

"No," Sarah almost growled.

"Yes," I corrected, and the doctor looked at us funny for a moment.

"Alright, here we go. I'm gonna need you to push," the doctor ordered, and Sarah complied. "Well, I can already tell this is going to be an easy one. You just keep pushing and this baby will be out in no time."

But in ten minute's time, Sarah was reluctant to do much of anything.

"Sarah, come on, you're almost there," I coaxed, but she shook her head.

"It hurts," she whimpered, tears streaming down her cheeks, dripping onto her hospital gown.

"Do you want some drugs? I'm sure they can go get something for you," I suggested, but she just gripped my hand tighter and shook her head again.

"Not like that," she whispered, looking up at me.

"What do you mean?" I asked, looking at her with questioning eyes.

"I can't do this Jay... I can't. Not without Zacky. I don't want this baby without Zacky," Sarah whimpered again, and I could tell she was about to cry like she had earlier.

I could feel my own tears coming again. I still couldn't believe he was ... gone.

"Sarah, sweetie, just a few more and you're done, okay? Please?" I almost begged her. She must've realized she didn't have much of a choice but to push, so she did anyways. And just a few minutes later, the room was filled with the cries of new life.

"Congratulations, you now have a baby girl," the doctor smiled, and the umbilical cord was cut. "Six pounds, two ounces. Nineteen inches. Date of birth, September 6, 2011, 2:36 pm," the head nurse said after weighing and measuring the baby to be put on the birth certificate. She turned to Sarah. "Do you have a name for her?"

She nodded. "Amy Madison Baker," she almost whispered, and then looked up at me. "When Zacky and I discussed names... before they left... he wanted Amy Madison if it was a girl, because we hadn't found out yet what it was."

I gave her a soft smile and then moved her hair away from her face. "It's a beautiful name," I commended to her, and she nodded, looking down at her hands. She had since then released my own.

After receiving a name, Amy Madison was taken away to be cleaned before she was brought back to Sarah, wrapped in a bundle of blankets and a knit cap on her head.

"Here you go," the nurse said kindly, a smile on her face as she handed Amy over to Sarah and left the room. Sarah just stared down at the small thing in her arms, and I knew hard times were ahead of us.

It was raining a week later on the day we all chose to have the burial service for Zacky. I was straightening out my black skirt and top under my coat in the mirror on my wall. Looking at my reflection, it was easy to see I hadn't slept much. I think it was the fact that everything was still sinking in. It was still sinking in for everyone, and we all suffered the same.

"Momma, I need help," Alex said from the doorway. He was stood there in his little suit - black trousers, white shirt, black jacket - and was holding his tie in his outstretched hand.

"Okay, come here," I said, motioning to the bed. He crawled up and stood on the end of the bed, handing over the tie. "Why do we have to get all dressed up today?" he asked as I started tying the blue tie for him.

I sighed. I'd held off telling him of Zacky's death the entire time, though I knew I should have told him earlier. "Sweetie, you know how daddy and Uncle Zacky are over at the war right now?" Alex nodded. "Well... today we're going to a funeral, because... Uncle Zacky won't be coming home. Alex... he was killed over there," I explained softly, and he just looked at me as I straightened out his jacket.

"I won't get to see Uncle Zacky anymore?" he asked, his lip quivering and his eyes welling up.

"I'm sorry... But no, you won't. So today we are going to Uncle Zacky's funeral."

Alex just hung his head as the tears started to fall. Uncle Zacky was one of his favorites, especially considering Zacky was his godfather and was over at our house frequently. I pulled him to me and he rested his head on my shoulder as he cried. He was too young to really understand death, because this was the first person hed ever known personally that died. The first person that was a part of his family that died.

I rubbed his back to calm him down a bit, and the pulled away. "Go get your shoes on so we can leave, okay?" I asked in a hushed tone. Alex slowly nodded his head and I helped him down off the bed before following him out of my room. I walked down the hall to Sarahs where the door was half open.

She was sat at the edge of the bed, hands in her lap, head hung down, and I could see he tears glistening on her cheeks, even from where I stood. It was always a silent affair during the day. At night was when she really cried, when she didnt think she could be heard. But I heard her.

She'd stopped talking and stayed closed off in her room, only coming out for the bathroom and for what little food she ate. She didn't take care of Amy, which I could understand, so I took care of the baby for her. As if post-natal depression wasn't enough for Sarah to deal with, she also had to deal with the severe depression from losing her husband. She was now left, a single mother of twenty-eight, to fend for herself. Though, she still had the rest of us for help, even if she didn't know it.

I knocked on the doorframe to get her attention. "You ready?" I asked as I slowly entered, waling over to Amy's crib and picking her up. Sarah didn't nod or say a word, but soundlessly got up and followed me out of the room. Alex was ready by the front door, and with that, we all went to the car.

It appeared we were some of the last to arrive once we got to the cemetery. Brian, Kate, Jimmy, Angela, Johnny, and Diane were already all seated on the first row on one side of the black casket, Zacky's parents, brother, and sister seated in the first row on the other side. There were many familiar faces there, including JB and his brother Matt, and other close friends of ours.

As I approached the plot with Alex on one side, holding my hand, and Sarah on the other, holding Amy, I saw the American flag draped over the casket. And at the foot of the casket was a stand with a photograph of Zacky, a charming smile on his face as the camera caught him off-guard. Around the base of the stand were many arrangements of flowers, varying in size and color.

As I looked at the picture, I felt my eyes sting with the presence of tears. He looked so happy. Zacky was a good person who didn't deserve to die at such a young age. He was only twenty-nine. And he would never get to see his baby girl; she would never get to meet the amazingly talented and caring person that was her father.

Taking a deep, calming breath, I took a seat next to Brian, Alex sitting in my lap, and Sara took the empty seat on my right, the closest to the head of the casket. I felt Brian's arm around my shoulders as he pulled me into him for a small hug, managing as best we could with Alex in my lap. I looked over at him to see his eyes were glossy. He leaned over and placed a quick kiss on my temple and then squeezed my shoulder.

The cemetery was quiet. The only sound around us was that of the falling rain. No one talked, no one whispered to each other. Everyone carried themselves with their heads down in despair.

Finally the ceremony began, and the priest stepped to the head of the casket, beginning his speech about God and how unfortunate it is when tragedy occurs. I couldn't help but block him out as I thought to myself about how, if God really existed, he wouldn't let something horrible like this happen to such an innocent person. Sure, there were times in his life where Zacky didn't make the wisest of decisions, but he did nothing to deserve to die the way he had. It was just so unfair.

And as the priest continued to drone on, I couldn't tear my eyes away from the casket, the American flag sneering in my face. It reminded me that Zacky died fighting for a cause he didn't believe in. He opposed the war from the beginning. And then I pictured Zacky in my mind, lying cold and alone inside his imprisonment. I could vividly picture the solemn look on his face, his eyes closed to the world. Knowing that I'd never see that face again besides in pictures was too much for me to bear. He was one of the closest friends I'd ever had in my life, and now he was gone.

I was shaken back to my senses when Brian stood up from next to me. He walked to the head of the casket, taking the place of the priest. He was going to make a speech.

He stood there for a moment, his eyes transfixed on the ebony wood before him, and then removed his fedora, spinning it nervously in his hands as he looked down at the ground. Everyone waited patiently for him to start.

Brian cleared his throat and then lifted his head, his eyes connecting with the occasional person. "This isn't anything that was... planned. But I felt that I needed to say something on his behalf," he started, taking another pause for a moment. "Zacky was always a good kid growing up. He was real easy to get along with, which was why we were friends in the first place. And then it grew into best friends, and he was one of the most loyal and trustworthy people I knew. He got a lot of shit he didn't deserve when we were younger, and to get back at them, he didn't fight - he followed his dream and made something of himself. He knew what he wanted from life. A wife, a family, and a career that he loved and would be able to look back on with a feeling of pride. He was able to accomplish two of them, but for one, he came up short handed. This... was never meant to be a part of all that. Whether some things happen for a reason or not, this will always be an event that should have never happened," Brian said, and began to trail off, his voice trembling. I could see the tears coming from his eyes, and he lowered his head. My own tears were falling as well; seeing someone as strong as Brian crying was enough to do that to me.

"I'm sorry," he croaked to his audience before wiping the tears away and taking a few steadying breaths. It was a few minutes before he continued.

"Zack and I shared a lot of crazy times together, with the band and without it, and he will always remain one of the most genuine people I have or ever will meet. Zacky will be greatly missed." Brian took his seat next to me again after his speech, and I grabbed his hand. I had a feeling his words hit a lot of people hard.

"That was a good thing you did," I whispered over the rain that had started to soak everyone. He just nodded and placed his fedora back on his head.