He Won't Be Coming Home

"You doin' alright back there?" Brian asked from the driver's seat of the car as he drove me to the hospital.

"I think so," I groaned, holding my stomach as another contraction hit. My water had broken only an hour before, and I had called Brian and Kate to drive Alex and me to the hospital. The contractions weren't very strong or too close together, but they would be in the coming hours.

"Momma, am I gonna get my brother today?" Alex asked excitedly from the seat beside me. I heard Kate let out a giggle from ahead and smiled a little myself.

"Yeah sweetie, you are, and then tomorrow we're gonna get to bring him home," I said, breathing slowly through my nose, keeping myself calm. In no time at all, the car was pulling into the parking lot of the hospital, and Brian went all the way to the front doors.

"You guys go in and I'll find a parking spot," Brian said, and then Kate leaned in, pecked his lips quickly, and then got out, coming round to the back to help me out.

"Can I come too?" Alex asked as I slowly got out of the back seat.

"No sweetie, you're gonna stay with Uncle Brian and he's gonna bring you in with him, alright?" I said, and Alex nodded, not putting up a fight.

"Alright, let's go," Kate said, taking my arm in hers and slowly escorting me into the building.

"Oww.. owww," I groaned, wincing as another contraction hit. They were getting closer together and more painful, and I knew that the time was nearing.

As the pain intensified, I squeezed my eyes shut, my hand gripping Kate's tighter. My breathing came in quick gasps until the pain finally subsided, and I let my head sink back into the pillows, a sigh escaping my lips.

"That one fuckin' hurt," I grumbled, opening my eyes and looking up at Kate.

"Yeah, tell me about it. I can't feel my hand," she joked, and I smiled a little. I sighed once more and looked up at the ceiling.

"I wish Matt could be here," I whispered, imagining how disappointing it must have been for him to know that he would miss that.

"I know... So do I," Kate responded quietly, her thumb running over the back of my hand slowly.

"Shit... here comes another one," I warned Kate as I felt another pain building up, a contraction hitting me full force agan.

Soon my contractions were searing through me, one after the other, over and over again, and I knew that any moment now, the process would begin. The contractions were worse than they ever were with Alex, so I was hoping that this time around the birth wouldn't be as bad.

Many screams, pushes, and pains later, I could hear the sounds of my baby boy crying. Matthew Charles Sanders, Jr. Six pounds, seven ounces. Twenty-two inches long. On February fourth, 2012, the Sanders family grew a little bit bigger. I just hoped that it wouldn't get any smaller anytime soon.

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I held little Matthew in my arms after he was brought back to me, and just looked down at him, a small smile gracing my lips as I marveled at how beautiful he was.

"I'm gonna go tell the guys they can come in now," Kate said quietly as she stood and I nodded, not taking my eyes off the sleeping form of my new son.

Matt looked so much like Alex did when he was first born, and Alex was now growing up to look much like his father did when he was Alex's age. I knew that both Matt Jr. and Alex were going to grow up to be the spitting images of their father, and I had no problem with that.

It was still so baffling to me how two people could come together and create such a perfect little being. I didn't understand how... well, I mean I knew how it happened, but on a higher level, I just didn't get it. There I was, holding onto something so small, so delicate, that contained two people in one single entity. The idea that Matt and I could bring something like that into the world not once, but twice, made tears come to my eyes.

"Knock knock," I heard come from the door, and I looked up to see Brian poking his head through the door, a smile on his face. " 'Ello mutha," he said, and I chuckled, waving him into the room. He entered, Alex holding onto his hand as Kate brought up the rear, the door closing behind her.

"Mom!" Alex chirped, and he broke from Brian's grip and ran over to me, crawling into the chair at my side. I scooted over in the bed, making room for him.

"Come here," I smiled, patting the mattress with my hand, and he carefully climbed in next to me, his eyes wide open as he looked at his brother.

"That's my brother," he smiled, and I chuckled, nodding my head. "What did you name him?"

"His name is Matthew," I answered, looking from the little bundle in my arms to Alex, who scrunched his nose a little.

"But isn't that Daddy's name?"

"Yes," I said, laughing at his naivety, "because I named him after your father."

"How come you didn't name me after Daddy?" he then asked, and I could see Brian and
Kate smiling at his questions out of the corner of my eye.

"Well, then what would I have named your brother? You can't both be Matthew..."

"You could name him... Alex!" he grinned up at me, and I used my free hand to ruffle his hair.

"You're silly," I whispered, kissing his head as he snuggled into my side.

"Awwhh..." I heard Kate coo, and I looked over to where she was perched on Brian's lap as he sat in a chair. "He's so cute, Bri.... I want one," she said before turning and kissing his cheek. I watched as a slow grin came to his lips after she said this. I knew how much Brian was looking forward to having his own children.

Nodding his head as he looked at Kate, Brian said, "okay."

"Well," I interrupted, "if that's the case, you're gonna need to practice. You wanna hold him?" I asked. He nodded and poked Kate to get her up off him, and then walked over to the other side of the bed. Carefully, I handed Matt over to him.

"Dude, I'm so good with babies, I don't even need practice," Brian said quietly as he looked down at my son. He just stared for a long while, a little grin on his lips as he gently rocked Matthew in his arms.

And as I was watching Brian with my son, I realized once again how much I wanted Matt home for this. He had already missed out on part of Alex's life, and now he was missing out on Matthew's too. It just wasn't fair.

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My life changed the moment Matt Jr. came into it. Things at home became more stressful. I had Matt to take care of, along with Alex who was still fighting for my attention on occasion.

The situation with Sarah wasn't getting any better either. Zack's passing had long drifted away - six months had come and gone. It didn't seem like it had been that long, but time was passing by faster now that I had so much to handle. And I knew that it was still hard for her to move on, but it had to be one. I couldn't continue to take care of Amy on a constant daily basis. She wasn't my responsibility, and, as much as I loved the little girl to pieces, I couldn't take care of three children on my own at the same time. It just couldn't be done. It was time for that line to be drawn.

"Sarah, we need to talk," I said firmly as I entered her room. She was severely pale, which came from the fact that barely any sunlight touched her these days, and I realized that she needed to move on before she became seriously ill.

I walked to the edge of her bed, but she didn't move. "Up," I ordered softly as I held Amy in my arms. Reluctantly, and to my surprise, Sarah slowly sat up, pulling her knees to her chest.

"Sarah, I know that you're hurting and that you want Zack, don't think that I don't. It still hurts me that he's gone too, but you can't let it just stop you in your tracks. You have to keep living, for your sake, and for Amy's. You know Zacky would be upset if something bad happened to his little girl, so you need to take care of her. I can't do it anymore.... She needs to know her real mother. She already doesn't have a father. Don't keep her from having the only parent she has left. You can't do that to her..." I whispered, and I saw the tears slowly stream down her face.

"Can you do that?" I asked quietly, holding Amy out to her. "Don't even do it for me. Just do it for Zacky, and do it for Amy..."

After a moment, Sarah nodded, wiping the tears from her cheeks as she turned to me, holding her arms out for Amy and I gently handed her over.

Slowly, I turned and left the room, closing the door behind me. I took a deep breath, running my hands over my face slowly before I stood back up and made my way down the stairs.