He Won't Be Coming Home

"Oh my God, just stop crying already..." I groaned as I rocked Matt in my arms. His cries continued and only increased the pounding headache surging through my skull.

"Please baby, just be quiet for Mommy," I whispered, gently kissing his temple as I held him to my shoulder. Nothing was working - he wasn't hungry, he didn't need to be changed, all of his needs had temporarily been taken care of. I just didn't know what to do to make him stop crying. And I knew that my situation wasn't going to get any better once Alex got home from school. He'd want me to play, and then pout when I would tell him I couldn't.

My head throbbed again and I shut my eyes tightly as I paced the kitchen, trying to think of something to do that would make my two month old son stop wailing. I felt hot tears building up behind my eyelids, eventually breaking free and trailing down my cheeks. I just couldn't take anymore of the crying. I think I needed a nap just as much as Matty did.

So, on that thought, I climbed the stairs to my room, placing Matty in his crib. He continued to cry, his face beet red, and I wondered how that was going to work out. I'd never be able to get any rest if Matt was in my room and I was trying to sleep, so I carefully pushed the crib out into the hall and down to Alex's room for the time being. It would have to do.

I closed the door to my room, leaving it open a crack just in case anything happened down the hall, and crawled into bed. Even resting my head against the soft pillows couldn't help the throbbing in my head, and more tears continued to sneak down my skin before I closed my eyes. I blindly reached out for Matt's pillow and pulled it toward me, holding it against my body and pressing my face into it. I spray it on occasion with the cologne Matt always wore so it would always smell of him, but it still wasn't the same. It wasn't his actual scent... It was too artificial. But it was better than nothing.

I took a shaky breath in as I curled up on my side, pulling my legs into my body as I finally began to feel relaxed. The pounding in my head was still there, but it was getting better than it had been.

I heard the front door slam some time later, bringing me out of the state of half sleep I had entered. I could no longer hear Matty crying, so he must have fallen asleep sometime while I had zoned out. I knew Alex was coming up the stairs with the pitter-patter of feet, and soon my door creaked as it was pushed open.

"Momma?" he whispered, and I rolled over to look at him.

"Hi sweetie," I mumbled, and he walked over to the side of the bed.

"Are you sick?"

"No.... my head just hurts. Mommy needs a night alone," I answered, sitting up and running my fingers through my hair.

"Does that mean I get to stay with Uncle Brian and Aunt Katie tonight?!" Alex asked excitedly.

"That actually doesn't sound like a bad idea," I said, and I reached over to the phone on the bedside table, dialing the number. Alex crawled onto my legs, sitting with his back against my chest and his head resting just underneath mine. I kissed the top of his head before resting my jaw on him, my free hand playing with his soft hair. Soft like Matt's...

"Hello?" Kate answered.

"I love you," I said with a smile, though she couldn't see it.

"Jay? I love you too," Kate answered with a giggle. "You totally know that if I weren't with Brian I would be gyrating in your direction." I let out a little laugh at the mental image. That was how Kate and I had always been.

"Darling I must ask a favour of you," I mumbled, wrapping my arm around Alex before leaning my head against the wall.

"Anything..."

"Do you think you could take Alex and Matty for the night? I feel cranky and I need a full night's sleep. These past couple of months have run me completely ragged."

"No problem. That was I can at least get Brian used to waking up multiple times in one night to take care of Matty. I'm sure he will love that."

"Okay... Can I bring them over anytime today... Like right now?" I asked.

"Yeah, sure."

"You, my dear, are a life saver."

After getting the kids packed for overnight and over to Kate and Brian's, I was able to finally just unwind. The house was completely empty; Sarah had gone with Amy to her parent's house for a few days. So I grabbed the carton of ice cream and 'The Puppet Masters', and put it in the DVD player, getting snuggled up with a blanket on the couch.
I knew that if I picked a sappy, tragic romance, I would be in tears for the rest of the night, which would bring back my headache that had subsided. By the time the movie was over, I was immensely tired, and I trudged my way to the kitchen, putting the partially melted ice cream back in the freezer before slowly making my way up the stairs.
I brushed my teeth, changed into one of Matt's shirts, and crawled under the covers, letting sleep consume me for the first peaceful nights sleep I had had in a while.

"Knock knock," I heard Matt's voice say as my bedroom door was pushed open. I looked up from my history book as I was laid on my back on the bed only to see him standing there in the doorway with a cheesy smile and one hand behind his back.

"Hi," I smiled as I placed the book down next to me, rolling onto my side and resting my head in my hand. "What are you doing here?" I asked quietly, eyeing his grin as he shut the door behind him. He took a few steps toward me before pulling his hand out from behind his back, revealing a bouquet of white lilies.

"Happy Anniversary," Matt said, the smile never leaving his lips as he stepped to the
edge of the bed.

"Oh my God," I chuckled, and he looked at me funny.

"What?"

"Nothing... It's just... Nothing. Thank you Matt, they're my favorite," I said as I took the bouquet from him. "Hold on one sec," I said as I got up from the bed, grabbing the empty vase on my bedside table and running down the hall to the bathroom, filling it with water before adding the flowers, taking it back to my room. Matt had taken a seat on my bed and removed his jacket, leaving it lying on the floor.

Standing in front of him, I placed a gentle kiss on his lips, feeing their smooth warmness against mine. I felt his hands slowly move to my sides, his fingers gently stroking my skin.

"Why were you laughing at me?" Matt mumbled against my lips as he pulled away, but I knew that he wasn't seriously upset or anything - the playful smirk on his lips said it all.

"You just looked silly with a big bouquet of flowers. They're beautiful, and I'm glad you remember our one year anniversary," I said with a little grin as I gazed down into his eyes.

"I look silly, huh?" he asked, and I could tell he was up to no good. Quickly he pulled me to him, causing me to fall on him. Somehow he was able to get me on my back, his body looming over me.

"Your mom says you should be thankful to have someone like me..." he whispered against my lips. He slowly pressed them to mine, holding them there for some time before pulling away.

"Oh yeah? Well, I'm surprised my mom even lets you be up here with me, alone in my room, with the door shut... now that she knows that we..." I trailed off, my hand traveling up his back, over his neck, and into his hair.

"...Fuck?" he growled into my ear as nibbled on my neck. I groaned and pinched his neck.

"Ow!" he whined.

"Don't call it that, Matty," I pouted. "It makes me feel like a whore."

Matt picked his head up and looked me in the eyes. "You're not a whore, baby.... We make love," he whispered, and I smiled at the sincerity in his voice and in his eyes. "I love you Jay..."

"I love you too, Matt..." I answered gently, pulling his head down to mine and kissing him eagerly. I could feel his lips curve into a smile, and I hoped that our milestone of the first year together was only one of many that were to come.