He Won't Be Coming Home

It was amazing how quick three weeks could go by when one dreads what is to come at the end of those three weeks. Matt had made every moment count, spending time with family and friends, doing everything he could before he was sent to basic training. Zacky did the same; he was still pissed off that he'd be going, what with Sarah being pregnant and all. I didn't blame him one bit because I'd have been pissed as well if I were placed in his position. They were just starting a family and now he would have to miss out on some things, including the birth of his first child considering he'd be in Iraq when it happened; Sarah was already about three and a half months along. They'd decided a few days after Zacky got his letter that they wanted to get married, right then, so that was what they did. It was a small ceremony, with just us there, but it was beautiful nonetheless.

Not to mention all the stress we'd been put under, every single one of us. There was a chance that one of them... or both... mightn't be coming back, and it would ruin us all if that happened. We all tried to keep the smiles on our faces; pretend that it was all going to be okay. But you can only lie to yourself for so long before you have to come to terms with the truth. The truth that this war would change all our lives, no matter what we thought. War changes people, and we knew that when Matt and Zacky came home, things would be different because they would be different. They'd have to live the rest of their lives remembering - seeing all the things they saw. Knowing all of the things that happened. All the death that would be around them.

But we could only hope for the best... whatever that turned out to be.

Matt and I stayed up late into the night, just holding each other, the night before the bus would be coming to pick up both he and Zacky and take them to basic training. Sometimes we'd talk, sometimes we wouldn't. We just tried to make it last for as long as we could before it all came to an end.

"... So what exactly do you do in basic training?" I asked Matt as we laid facing each other in the dark.

"Well, they teach us how to use a gun and get our endurance up... We have to work out a lot, and run a lot, pretty much," he said, lightly brushing my side. "I'm gonna have to get my hair cut... Zacky too."

I nodded. I had a feeling they'd cut his hair anyways. It wouldn't be a huge deal because he'd buzzed his head plenty of times before. I reached over and ran my fingers gently across his bottom lip. "They're gonna take that out, too, aren't they?" I asked, stopping at the smooth metal of his lip ring. He nodded. "And your gauges," I sighed. I closed my eyes and felt Matt pull me closer to him, wrapping his arms securely around my waist. He sighed into my neck, and I embraced him back.

"I don't wanna close my eyes. Don't wanna fall asleep, cuz I'd miss you babe, and I don't wanna miss a thing. Cuz even when I dream of you, the sweetest dream will never do, I'd still miss you babe, and I don't wanna miss a thing," Matt sang softly in my ear, bringing me to tears.

"I don't want you to go," I whispered.

"Shh, I know. I don't wanna leave you or Alex either," Matt cooed into my ear. He kissed my neck.

"Mommy, can I come sleep with you guys?" Alex asked from the door.

"Yeah, come here," I said, and Matt and I pulled apart, sitting up. Alex crawled into bed and Matt placed him right between us. That was how we fell asleep, my whole world all together in one bed, holding onto each other for dear life.

The next morning, we were all waiting outside the bus station, waiting for the bus to come. All of us; Matt, Alex, Zacky, Sarah, Brian, Kate, Johnny, Diane, Jimmy, Kayla, and myself. There were other families there for other men, seeing them off. We all went through hugging Matt and Zacky so much that they would probably get sick of us if it was under any other circumstances. I stayed with Matt most of the time, not wanted to ever let him go.

"I'm gonna miss you so much," I said, "even though you're not even over there yet."

"I'm going to miss you too. Not matter where I am, if I'm not with you, I'll miss you," Matt replied into my neck.

The bus pulled into the station, and I looked at it before looking back at Matt. He turned to look at at it as well, along with the others. "... I guess it's time to go," he said with a pained smile as he turned back to me. I nodded with tears falling down my face. Matt kneeled down next to Alex, wrapping him in a long hug. Alex was crying too.

"I love you Daddy," he whispered.

"I love you too," Matt said and then kissed the top of his head. When they pulled away, Matt stood up and hugged me tight, pulling away a minute later to give me a short but passionate kiss. "I love you, so fucking much. I'll write to you, I promise."

I smiled through my tears. "You better. So, I guess I'll see you in eight weeks," I said.

"Yeah," he said, wiping the tears from my cheek.

"I love you Matt," I said, kissing him one last time. He stepped toward the bus, dropping my hand when he was too far away. I picked up Alex in an attempt to comfort myself, and he rested his cheek against mine as he hugged me, his tiny arms around my neck.

Zacky and Matt walked to the bus, taking one last look at the rest of us before stepping into the vehicle with their bags in tow.

My first letter from Matt came a week after he'd left for basic training. It would be the first of many letters to come between the two of us. The smile on my face was hard to miss as I found the envelope with Matt's writing on the front in the mailbox. I walked back into the house, sitting at the table as I opened the envelope with trembling fingers. I pulled out the folded paper and saw Matt's scrawling on it.

My dearest Jayvee,

I can't believe that I've only been here four days and already I hate it. Then again, I should have expected that from the start, and I kind of did. They work us like horses from dawn til dusk, and it's so tiring that sometimes I just want to collapse on my bunk in the barracks and sleep until the world ends.

They wake us up at 5 o'clock every morning, give us breakfast, and then we have to go out and run five miles. It's not as hard one me as it is on Zacky, so I feel bad for him. He had to stop once to catch his breath the first morning they made us run, and the sergeant made him drop and do one hundred push ups. That just about killed him.

If it's even a possibility, the running and the obstacle courses aren't even the worst part. What's worse is when the sergeant gets in my face and screams at me. You know how I am with people getting in my face, and it's all I can do hold myself back from hauling off and punching that bastard in the face. But if I do that, I'm in for it for sure, so I restrain myself.

Today was the first day they opened us to the shooting range. I'm not too bad at gun-handling myself, but Zacky could use a little practice. It's a terrible thing for me to say, but Brian would have a better time doing this here, because he likes guns and knows how to shoot them. Though I would never wish this Hell upon him or anyone else, it was a thought that came to me as soon as they handed me my first automatic.

As bad as this place might be, I can only imagine it's heaven compared to Iraq. I'm nervous as hell about going over there. They've tried to get us used to what it'd feel like in the heat, carrying all our equipment, but I still don't think it'll be even close to the real thing. Zacky asked me the other day to shoot him in the foot so he'd be maimed and get to come home. He offered to do the same for me. This place is seriously driving him nuts.

One thing is for sure: this place is not for weak men. And I don't mean that in just a physical way. One guy in me and Zacky's barracks cries himself to sleep every night. The other guys give him shit for it. Zacky and I don't sat a word because we know that he's just a kid, being eighteen and the youngest of us, and I admit there've been times where I just want to cry myself out of this miserable place.

I miss you and Alex more than anyone could ever even fathom. I can't wait til I get to see you even if it is just for a wee, and I can't wait until this goddamned war is over and I don't have to worry about it. Sometimes I just wish the war would miraculously come to an end while I'm here in training so I don't have to leave you, but I know that it'll never happen and it's just wishful thinking. I think about you and our son every day, and I have a picture of the three of us taped to the bottom of the bunk above me, so the two of you are the last things I see before I go to sleep. I love you with all my heart, and tell Alex that I love and miss him.

Love always,
Matt

I finished reading the letter from Matt and went to grab paper and a pen to write back to him. There wasn't much that had happened since he and Zacky left, but I needed him to know I missed him so much it hurt and that I loved him and thought about him every second of the day.

When I was almost finished with the letter, Alex came into the room. "Mommy, what're you doing?" he asked, getting up into the seat adjacent to me at the table.

"I'm writing a letter to your father. He sent us one and said that he loves and misses you very much," I said, finishing the letter.

"Can I write him something?" he asked, looking at me with his eyes that looked just like Matt's.

"Sure.. you can use this spot right here," I said, pointing to the chunk of blank paper at the bottom. Alex took the pen and began to messily write a letter to Matt. It was short, but I knew it'd be meaningful anyways.

I folded the letter and put it in the envelope. "You wanna lick it?" I asked, handing it to Alex. He nodded with a smile and licked the envelope, shutting it. I let him run out to the mailbox and put it in, sticking the red flag up on the side.

"Do you think Dad will write back?" he asked.

"Of course he will."