He Won't Be Coming Home

When I woke up, I was in my own bed, the covers pulled up to my waist and the lights off. The house was silent and my head was spinning. My throat still burned, and I knew that what had happened earlier in the day was true. Matt was really gone. I sniffled again, feeling the tears well u pin my eyes as I sat up, my sight adjusting to the dark.

Slowly I slid my legs off the side of the bed, feeling the carpet beneath my feet before I stood, holding onto the side of the bed to make sure I wouldn't fall over. Once my head was cleared, I walked slowly to the door, turning the handle and opening it. The hallway was dark until the top of the stairs, where the orange glow from downstairs shone on the walls.

Making my way down the stairs, I squinted at the light emitting from the kitchen, its brightness only worsening my headache. I could hear the TV on low in the living room, and I slowly crossed the room to the entrance, looking in to see Sarah sitting awake with Alex, both Amy and Matt Jr. asleep on the other couch, cushioned by pillows to keep them from rolling off the edge and landing on the floor.

"Hey," I whispered, and Sarah and Alex both turned to look at me, a smile lighting up on my son's face. "What time is it?" I asked Sarah, my voice scratchy from screaming so much.

"It's just a little after eight. You feeling better?" she asked quietly. I sniffled and shook my head, more tears coming to my eyes. I motioned for Sarah to follow me and then retreated to the kitchen, leaving the children in the living room.

"You didn't say anything to Alex, did you?" I asked in a hushed tone as I took a glass from the cupboard, filling it with water at the sink.

"No... Why?"

I took a long drink of the cool liquid, feeling it coat my aching throat, before shaking my head. "Don't tell him. I don't want him to know."

"What do you mean, you don't want him to know? Matt is his father. Alex has a right to know..." she rebutted, but I just glanced at her.

"It'll break his heart if he finds out Matt di-... I just can't do it Sarah. I can't. It hurt him enough when we lost Zacky. I can't do that to him again. At least not right now," I muttered, taking another drink.

"You can't keep it from him forever, Jay."

"I know... But I'll tell him when the time is right. I just can't do it right now. I'm gonna have him and Matty go... stay with my parents in Long Beach for a little while. At least until I can clear my head. I just need to be alone and have time to grieve and get over this on my own," I said, setting the glass in the sink and walking back into the living room.

"Alex, sweetie. Go up to your room and get together all the things you want to take to Nana and Papa's house, okay?" I asked him gently, and he smiled with glee. He always loved staying with my parents; they spoiled him rotten. Without another word, he bounded up from his seat and raced up the stairs.

I felt a little bad that I was just carting off my children to be somewhere else after their father had died, but I really did just need time to sort myself out from this, and it wasn't going to be easy. Having two kids with m would make it even harder, so it was the only thing I could think of doing.

Not much time later I was driving down the highway to Long Beach, a bag packed for each of my boys. Matty Jr. was asleep in the car seat in the back, and Alex was wide awake in the seat next to him. My mother didn't know I would be stopping by, so I hoped that she would be home and willing to take her grandsons for a week or so.

My prayers were answered when I pulled up the driveway of my old house, the lights in the downstairs on, signaling that my parents were, in fact, home. Grabbing Matty's car seat and his diaper bag, I had Alex follow me to the front door, where I knocked three times. My mother answered quickly, her face glowing with a smile as she saw Alex.

"Nana!" he squealed, jumping into her arms. My mother laughed as she set Alex on his feet after hugging him.

"You're getting to be to big for me to pick you up, munchkin," she said, and then looked up as Alex hugged her waist to see Matt.

"Come inside, honey..." she said, ushering me into the house and closing the door behind me. My father was in the living room in his Lazy Boy chair watching the history channel, and I could see my mother's latest knitting creation on the couch where she must have been sitting.

"Is that my new grandson?" my mom asked, smiling from ear to ear as I nodded down at Matt Jr. who was still asleep. "He's beautiful."

"Thank you," I answered, and my mother looked in my eyes, concern lacing her own.

"Is everything alright, sweetie?" I shook my head no, seeing Alex sitting with my father before I motioned to the other room. My mother followed me through the kitchen and into her bedroom, where I took a seat on the bed.

"Honey... What's the matter? You look like you haven't been feeling so well..." she cooed, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. I took a deep breath, my gaze going up to the ceiling before I allowed my lips to form words.

"Matt was killed in Iraq," I whispered, and I heard her gasp sharply before she took me into her arms, like she had all those years ago when I was little and needed her to hold. I felt tears pricking my eyes but I tried to force them back, knowing I was only going to get a headache from crying so much.

"It's alright, Jay," she whispered, and I wiped my eyes before she let me go.

"I was wondering if you could take the kids for like a week or so. I just need time to myself without stressing over them... I just... I need this," I whispered, and she nodded.

"Sure. You just come back and get them when you're sure you're alright, okay sweetie?" she asked, and I nodded before she leaned in and kissed my cheek, wiping my tears away.

After getting Alex and Matt Jr. settled in at my parents' house, I got back in the car to return to Huntington Beach. Back to my house, the house I shared with Matt. Back to the Bed where Matt and I had slept, where we had consummated out love for each other, where we created Alex and Matty. Back to the place where so many memories were. It was going to be hard. I had a long road ahead of me until I would heal. I'd never heal fully... But I'd heal enough. Enough to make it by every day. Just enough to make it through.

Walking back into the house, I headed straight for the stairs, trying to keep my eyes off the framed photos that lined the wall on the stair case. Photos from all our years together, from when we were teens, to when we were married. Wedding photos, family photos. They hurt too much to really look at.

Seeing Matt's side of the bed empty didn't used to be as hard as it was now. Because before, I always knew that someday, he would sleep peacefully in that spot again. Now, that place would be empty for the rest of eternity. No man would ever be able to take Matt's place. If I did move on that far, enough o fall in love for a second time, everything in the house would have to be gotten rid of. I wouldn't be able to sleep with another man in the bed where Matt and I used to make love frequently. It just wasn't right.

I crossed the room to the closet, flicking on the light. All of Matt's shirts were hung up on his side, neat and tidy like I always kept them Slowly I filed through them all, smelling him in them, remembering the way his muscles would fill out the sleeves of them. I stopped on the 'Fuck Your Morals' shirt he had kept for all those years and slipped it off the hanger, taking off my clothes and pulling the loose-fitting black shirt over my frame, the hem stopping high on my thighs, just enough to cover my rear.

I could smell Matt all around me as I wore that shirt, could smell him in everything in that house. Some might say that's crazy, and maybe I was hallucinating, but I could smell him, just as if he were standing right there beside me.

Without another sound I shut off the lights of the closet and bedroom, burrowed under the sheets in the middle of the bed, and pulled Matt's pillow to my body like I did every night, falling into a restless, dreamless sleep.