He Won't Be Coming Home

I sighed deeply as my eyes followed the road. A stray hair tickled my face and I uncaringly reached up, tucking it behind my ear. In a matter of moments I was back in Long Beach, driving down familiar roads from my childhood and teen years. I pulled into the driveway of my parents' house, hoping I wasn't catching them at a bad time. I hadn't called my mother before I left home to tell her that I would be coming to pick up Alex and Matt Jr. To tell the truth, I still hadn't sorted myself out, but I missed my boys. As much as I wanted to be alone, I needed my children and they needed me.

I left the car running as I stepped out and made my way to the back door of my old house. I knocked a couple times before entering, seeing my mother in her rocking chair in the living room, a sleeping Matthew in her arms. She turned her head to see me and smiled.

"Alex, your mother's here," she said calmly to my other son, who was out of my sight.

"Mommy!" I heard his voice screech and in a matter of seconds he was dashing toward me through the kitchen, wrapping his arms around my thighs and resting his head into my stomach. "I missed you," I heard him mumble into the fabric of my shirt. I knelt down to his level and wrapped my arms gently around his small body, his arms clinging around my neck as he rested his head on my shoulder.

"I missed you too, baby," I whispered, rubbing my hands over his back. Pulling away, I ran my fingers gently through my son's hair, looking deep into his eyes.

"You ready to go home?" I asked him quietly, and he nodded his head, a toothy grin coming to his face. "Okay, go up and get all your things, and then we'll go." Without another word Alex scampered up the stairs, and I walked into the living room to see Matty was now wide awake.

"You sure you can handle it?" my mother asked, and I nodded briefly as I took Matt into my arms. "I don't want you to take them home just because you feel bad about leaving them here with us..."

"I'll be fine, Mom. I've missed them and no matter how much they remind me of Matt, I need them home with me." At that moment, Alex came rushing back down the stairs, his bag in one hand.

"Give hugs and kisses to Nana, Alex," I said, using the time to grab Matt's things with my free hand and pack them into his bag, which was on the counter.

"You cal me if you need anything, ya hear?" mom asked as she walked Alex out to the kitchen where I was.

"I will. Hank you so much Mom," I said as I gave her a one-armed hug, placing Matty in his
carrier afterward and taking both him and Alex out to the car.

The boys' first night home since I had taken them to live with my parents was a good one. Matt Jr. wasn't fussy, which I appreciated, and I was able to lay him down to sleep around seven, though I knew he'd wake me up sometime in the middle of the night, for whatever reason.

Alex was very calm, laying with his head in my lap as we watched a movie, my fingers gently running through his sandy brown hair - the same color as Matt's when he didn't dye it, at least. I knew Alex and Matty were going to grow up to be spitting images of their father.

And in that moment, with Alex's head in my lap, I felt that maybe - just maybe - things were going to turn out alright. My boys would grow, as would I, and we would have each other. Sure, things wouldn't be the same without their father - Matt Jr. and Alex would have to learn things that I couldn't teach them from their uncles, who I knew would be more than willing - somehow we'd all manage. We'd make it through, with Matt watching over us all.

I sighed deeply as I looked down and realized that Alex was asleep. Smiling a bit to myself, I reached for the remote and turned off the movie and the TV, covering the room in darkness. Carefully I moved Alex's head so I could get up, and then gently took him into my arms, remembering just how hard it was to carry him when he was asleep. But I was able to manage him and made my way through the darkness toward the stairs, taking my time up them so as not to wake him in my arms. I was able to get him all the way to his room without stirring him and tucked him in, placing a single kiss on his forehead before heading for the door.

"Momma?" I heard his soft voice call as I reached for the knob. I stopped and turned to him.

"Yeah, baby?"

"Do you think you could play my song for me?" he asked, and I could hear the tiredness coating his voice.

"Which song is that?" I asked, confused for a moment.

"The one that Dad always used to sing me to sleep with..." He said, and I felt my breath catch in my throat. I knew what song he was talking about. It was the one Matt used to sing and strum his acoustic guitar to almost every night when Alex was younger.

"Not tonight, baby," I sighed.

"Please, Mommy?" Alex begged, and I knew I couldn't refuse his request after that. I let out another sigh.

"Do you want me to go get Daddy's guitar, too?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. I'll be right back," I said, my voice near a whisper before I opened the door a bit more, stepping out of the room and heading down the hall. I crossed my bedroom to the closet door, opening it and turning on the light. There on the floor, the neck propped against the wall, was Matt's old guitar. I let out a shaky breath as I picked it up, closing the closet door and sitting on my bed a moment. That was the same guitar that Matt had taught me how to play with back when we were still in the dating stage of our relationship.

I quickly tuned the strings, making sure they all held the right pitch before heading back to Alex's room. He had turned on his nightlight next to his bed and was sitting up as I walked in. As soon as I took a seat in the rocking chair in the corner he snuggled back under the covers, waiting for me to begin playing before he closed his eyes.

I began to strum the strings of the guitar, the tune coming out just as I remembered it.

"Dragon tails and the water is white," I began to lowly sing. "Pirates sail and lost boys fly. Fish bite moonbeams every night, and I love you. Godspeed, little man. Sweet dreams, little man. Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels' wings. Godspeed... Sweet dreams."

I continued to play, my eyes watching over Alex carefully as my heart swelled with emotion.

"The rocket racer's all tuckered out. Superman's in pajamas on the couch. Goodnight moon will find the mouse, and I love you. Godspeed, little man. Sweet dreams, little man. Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels' wings. Godspeed... Sweet dreams."

I could tell as I continued to quietly play that Alex was about to fall asleep, but I kept playing.

"God bless Mommy and Matchbox cars. God bless Dad and thanks for the stars. God hears Amen wherever we are, and I love you. Godspeed, little man. Sweet dreams, little man. Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels' wings. Godspeed.... Godspeed... Godspeed, sweet dreams," I finished, quieting the strings on the guitar as I watched Alex's steady breathing as I knew he was off in dreamland. Slowly I stood, wiping the tears from my eyes with my free hand before I turned off the small light and left the room. I placed the guitar back in its place in the closet, shutting that light off and closing the door on it.

Quickly I headed down to Matty's room to check on him, finding him sleeping peacefully in his crib. It was crazy to think that he was already a little over two months old. Time was beginning to move faster.

By the time I made it back to my room the tears were streaming steadily down my cheeks. Time was moving on, but I didn't want it to. I just wanted Matt back in my arms, the way it was always meant to be.

As I collapsed onto my bed, my tears staining the pillow, all I could think about was Matt singing that song to me when I was younger. We both had a feeling that the reason Alex felt so attached to that song was because Matt used to play it when I was pregnant And as I cried harder into Matt's pillow, I could faintly hear his voice singing to me.

"Godspeed, my love. Sweet dreams, my love. Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels' wings. Godspeed.... Sweet dreams."

I coughed hard before sniffling, wiping the tears away from my eyes hap hazardously.

"Why? Why did you leave me all alone, Matt?" I sobbed out, and eventually cried myself into oblivion, a black curtain pulling down over my eyes.