He Won't Be Coming Home

"Momma," I heard a little voice call for me. I turned away from the dishes I was washing in the sink to see Matt walking, a bit wobbly, out of the living room to me.

"What is it, baby?" I asked as he came over and wrapped one arm around my leg, the other holding his empty bottle.

"Baba," he cooed, holding the bottle out to me as he looked up.

"Okay, give me a second," I said, turning the water off and grabbing a dishrag to dry my hands. I took the bottle from Matt and went to the fridge, filling it up with milk before placing it in the microwave.

"Uppy," Matty called, his arms outstretched to me, his fingers pinching together as if he were a baby crab. I smiled as I leaned down to pick him up, placing him on my hip.

"How's my big boy today?" I asked, though I didn't really expect an answer out of him; he could say a few small words like Dada, Momma, and baba, but beyond that he couldn't really say much at just a year old.

The microwave timer beeped as it shut off, signaling that Matt's bottle was ready, which got his attention. While holding him steady on my hip with one arm, I used my free hand to get his bottle, test the temperature, and then screw the top on before handing it to him. He instantly stuck it in his mouth and I carried him into the living room where I sat down on the couch, Matty reclining in my arms as he closed his eyes - I knew it was just about time for his afternoon nap anyway. It would be perfect timing because then he would be awake by the time Alex got home from school so I could take them over to Kate and Brian's.

In a matter of minutes I looked down from the TV to see that Matt was indeed fast asleep in my arms, the nipple on the bottle still in his mouth. Gently, so as not to wake him, I pulled the bottle from his grip, setting it on the side table, and then laid him down on the couch, cushioning him with pillows so he wouldn't roll off the side and onto the floor.

"How was school today, sweetie?" I asked as Alex walked into the living room, throwing his bag carelessly on the chair.

"It was good. We got to play kickball in gym and I got a home run!" he said excitedly with a toothy grin. I could still see the empty space between his front tooth and canine on the right side, giving him that adorable kid look.

"Your tooth growing in yet?" I asked curiously, and he shook his head.

"No but I have another loose one," he said, opening his mouth to show me one of his bottom pre-molars that was wiggly.

"Ooh," I said in amusement, "you better get to work on it so the Tooth Fairy can come and take it. Now, you ready to go see Aunt Katie?" I asked.

"How come?" Alex asked back. I just shrugged.

"Just cuz."

"Oh.... Is Uncle Brian gonna be there?"

I laughed. "Of course he's gonna be there."

I rang the doorbell for the second time, hearing it echo off into the house. I knew Kate and Brian were home, and they knew I was dropping the kids off, so I had no idea what was taking them so long.

"Aunt Katiepoo!" Alex called through the door as he, too, began to ring the doorbell. "Aunt Katiep-"

Suddenly the door swung open and Brian was standing there with a smile. "Do I look like Aunt Katiepoo to you?" he asked.

"No," Alex giggled.

"I didn't think so," Brian laughed as he opened the door wider and Alex walked in. I followed him, Matty's carrier in my hand. Kate walked into the room shortly after and her hair looked a bit.... Questionable. Brian's looked like an explosion, but that was nothing new.

"Aunt Katiepoo!" Alex yelled as he ran to her, hugging her tightly. "What happened to your hair?" I watched in amusement as her face turned bright pink.

"Yeah Kate, what happened to your hair?" I mocked airily before looking at Brian, who was trying to look innocent.

"Um... Bad hair day..." she replied, but it sounded more like a question than a statement.

"Uh huh..." I said pointedly.

"I like it," Alex piped up, flashing Kate his gap-toothed smile. Kate then looked up at me, sticking her tongue out.

"I like it too," Brian growled as he slipped past her into the living room, Alex running after him.

"So I guess I'll see you in a few hours?" Kate questioned as I picked Matt up out of his carrier and handed him off.

"Yup... See you later," I answered, kissing her cheek and then Matty's. "Bye Alex!" I called into the house, but I received no reply.

"He's probably out back with Brian... doing manly-man things," Kate chuckled..

"Probably... Bye," I waved to her as I turned to the door and went back out to my car.

There was a reason why I wanted the boys out of the house for a few hours that day. I wanted to spend some time in the backyard, and if Alex saw me out there he would surely question why there was a cross staked into the ground, hidden behind a bush in the back corner against the fence.

It had been almost a full year since Matt's death, and I still hadn't told Alex. It pained me to think that I could keep something so important from him for so long, but it hadn't come up and I hadn't thought of a way to tell him. I just couldn't.

After pulling the car into the garage and shutting off the engine, I made my way to the back of the house, opening the gate and entering the backyard. I crossed the patio and found myself at the bush concealing the little grave I had made, and pushed the branches aside. There it was: the two pieces of wood nailed into the form of a cross, painted white and sticking out of the ground. Scorched into the crossbar were the letters 'RIP MCS 1981-2012'. I had left it at abbreviations considering the cross wasn't that big and his entire name would have taken up too much space - more space than I had room to work with.

I sighed as I got down on my knees in the grass, the cool wind blowing my hair across my face.

"Hey baby... It's been almost a year now. It's been even longer since I've seen you though. I miss you so much.... I know Alex misses you too. I don't know what's going on in Matty's head right now, but I know if he knew you, he'd miss you just as much as the rest of us. It still kills me to know that you two will never meet.... At least not for a very long time. He still goes over to our family picture on the table and points you out, saying 'Dada'. Makes me smile every time," I said, pausing as I wiped a few tears away.

"You'd be so proud of them, Matt. Alex is getting so smart these days, he's one of the top ten in his class. And I know it's not much now cuz he's only nine still, but he's off to a good start. I know one of these days he's gonna catch on and realize that you're never coming home to us. I still haven't told him. I guess a part of me is still trying to be naïve... Still hoping that one day one day you might just... show up, and everything would go back to the way it was meant to be.

"And I know that I should tell him, and that I need to move on. It's almost been a year, but it still seems too soon. The ties between us were too damn strong to break so easily. I don't know if they ever will, cuz every time I get one step closer to putting the past behind me, you tug me back, and it seems like this is where I'll stay..." I trailed off, and I felt chills run along my spine as the wind picked up. Slowly I stood, looking down on the little memorial.

"I know one day, it'll happen. I'll grow older, and I'll move on. But I'll never forget us... I'll never forget what we had, Matt."