He Won't Be Coming Home

And he did write back. Matt wrote at least once a week, most of the time he wrote every couple of days. He'd already been gone for three weeks, both he and Zacky. It was weird to never see their faces every day. Seeing them was such a common thing that we all seemed to take for granted. I found myself hoping as much as Matt was that the war would end soon, that the draft would be called off. Something... anything to get Matt and Zacky back home before the real danger fell upon them.

Being in a state of mind such that I knew a person I loved was in a dangerous position and might be killed, I got to thinking. What if...? What if the worst of the worst happened, and Matt didn't return home to me, didn't return home to his family? What would I do? How would I be able to go on? Matt was the only man I'd ever felt so strongly for in my entire life, and there would never be anyone who could bring me that feeling. I could search the globe ten times over and never find what I was looking for to fill the gap in my life.

My friends all told me that I shouldn't think thoughts like that; that I shouldn't doubt that Matt would be okay. But... if no one else was looking ahead that far, who else would do it but me? Matt had always told me since shortly after we met that I was always weighing out the consequences of the future. He said it was one of the many things he loved about me so much. I had to uphold my way of looking into the future, because there were so many things that could happen. Would Matt have wanted me to move on if he was....? Would I even be able to move on?

I was glad in a strange way that I had someone who knew exactly what I was going through, someone who was thinking the same thoughts I was. Sarah. Sarah had Zacky to think about, while I had matt to think about in this whole ordeal. We had each other to talk to, to lean on, to cry with. Anything. We were there for anything, in the war and out of the war. Things had always been like that for us. But when times were tough enough that we needed a little something more, we had all our other friends there for us unconditionally.

And, if things were already too tough on us now after Matt and Zacky had only been in basic training somewhere in the country, I hated to think of how bad it would be when they were halfway around the planet, so much farther from my reach. I knew we'd all just have to keep our heads held high and pray for the best for our friends and loved ones. I was just glad I hadn't cried too much since Matt had been gone. I'd pined after him, even ached for him. But I tried to keep myself from crying, because this was only just the beginning.

I checked the mail Friday afternoon after I got home from work at the coffee shop. It was the end of the third week and I hadn't heard from Matt in a few days, so I wasn't necessarily surprised to see the familiar envelope with the familiar writing on it when I opened the mailbox.

I went inside, dropping my purse on the table, not even bothering to sit down as I tore the white paper to get to the gold on the inside.

My dear Jayvee,

I'm lonely. That's all I really can say. And well, I'm horny too... my right hand is nothing compared to you, my dear.

I read, and I just had to laugh. That was the sort of thing I could expect from Matt.


I've gotten to be pretty awesome with an automatic gun in my hands. They moved me on to hand-guns and now I'm working on snipers. I hope I never have to use one in my life or in this war, whichever ends first. Guns were the downfall of Zacky the other day, I am sad to tell you.

He's been moved to the hospital here on base to get his foot all mended. He didn't have the safely lock on his automatic switched to 'on', and he accidentally shot himself in the foot (though I'm not totally sure if it was an accident or not, giving he wants out of here as do I). But he won't be getting his wish of no service and a bus ticket home. He'll just have to suck it up til his foot heals, because none of us are coming home early.

Being here, it's easy to separate the two different groups of men: the ones who want to serve their country because it's what they feel they've been "born to do", and those who do what they're told just to get by because there's nowhere they'd rather be than home. It's easy to know which group Zacky and I belong to. We pull our share and do what we're told, but spend more time daydreaming than paying attention, which is a dangerous habit to fall into. It's an easy way to get killed. But the men who've wanted to be Army Boys their whole lives are so much more enthusiastic, and I think they look down on the rest of us for being so... unlike them. Some of them can't wait to get to Iraq and avenge their friends or family members who were killed there, or to live up to their father's legends. But I have no one to avenge, and no one's shoes to fill but my own.

When I go back and re-read what I write to you in each letter, I feel ashamed that I sound so damned emo. But being away from you is enough to drive me to become emo. I'd become anything to just come home to you safely. That's all I want, is to see you and Alex again. There've been so many nights I've hoped this was all just a bad dream and that when I wake up, I'll be home, lying next to you. And then I really do wake up, and I realize where I am and why I am there and this wave of emotions just hits me so hard I want to cry. You're the only thing that keeps me going day after day after tiresome day.

I feel that all of these letters are so repetitive sometimes, but if it meant being my only contact with you, I'd still do it, and I will. I sound like such a sap. You've turned me into a softie, sweetheart. I love you.

Love,

Matthew

I smiled at the end of his letter, partially because of the last few lines, and then because he signed himself as Matthew. He rarely ever did that. But I liked it anyways.

I left the letter out on the table and ran to get a notebook and a pen, and began to write. I wasn't sure what exactly I wanted it to say, but it would flow as it came along, I was sure of it.

My Darling Matthew (I'm sorry, I was just too tempted),

You know that I don't care what you write to me, just that you write something. It's actually good to hear about all the things happening over there. Well, maybe 'good' isn't the word I'm looking for. But, whatever that word is, it's different to get a more inside look at it all. You could write two words to me, and I would still appreciate it. I don't recommend you write just two words, but you get the drift I would assume. Sometimes I feel like I write the same things to you too.

The guys and Sarah and the girls don't like it when I think. I don't like it when I think either, but you know how I am. And as much as I don't want to think about it, often I wonder what in the name of Hell I would ever do without you. But I always think of the worst case scenarios, which never turn out good anyways. And then I always make a note to myself to ask you what it was you'd have me do if anything should prevent you from coming home to me. I know it's not right to think of these things, but it's logical I guess. I mean, look at Zacky. He's already gotten hurt and you've not even gone to war yet.

I don't think any of us would be able to get on without you or Zacky. Things would be too weird for us all. It's already weird enough to not see your faces every day as it is. It reminds me sometimes of when you guys would go on tour and be gone for months at a time. But then I'll see Johnny, Jimmy, and Brian, and it totally changes. I still can't believe that out of the millions of able men in the country, you and Zacky were picked for this. It's not fair on anyone.

I'd let Alex write a message to you, but he's not here right now. I'll be sure to let him in on the next letter for you. There's something I've found out that I realize I've known all along but just haven't found before. There will never be any other man in the world that could ever compare to you. No one could ever take your place, should the worst happen. You're the only man I could ever feel this way about, and I had to tell you before I went crazy with joy after figuring it out. And I will always love you, no matter what.

Your wife who misses you,

Jayvee

When I received the response from Matt a few days later, I laughed. He had inserted an extra page right in front. And written on it in big letters were the words "Two Words", and then at the bottom he put "Just kidding... read on my love."