He Won't Be Coming Home

After Matt's return home, I knew that things were going to be hard. He would have to adjust to being at home again after near two years of being away from us, and as much as I knew he loved being back where he belonged, I knew it was going to be hard for him. How was he supposed to just... pick everything up where he'd left off?

He was very quiet and introverted most of the time. I wanted to know what was going through his head, but at the same time... I wondered if I'd be able to handle it. The war had to have made Matt a witness to many sights that no one in their right mine would wish to see, and after all that time, it would have had to screw with his mental state. He wasn't the same Matt that I had married, that had fathered my children, that I had fallen in love with. I was still very much in love with him, but it was hard for me as well because he had become so distant while he was home.

He never talked about his time over in Iraq, didn't tell of what had happened to him the entire time that we at home had all known him to be deceased. He didn't talk much at all, really. He had fallen into a deep state of depression - I could tell because he acted much like Sarah had the months following Zack's death. The only times he would appear normal was when he would put his happy face on for Alex. But when Alex wasn't around, and it was just him and I, he would close up, hiding himself away from me and the rest of the world.

I just wanted him to open up to me, wanted him to know that he could always come to me with anything that was bothering him. I just wanted my Matt back...

"How is he doing today?" Brian asked over the phone one day, about two weeks after Matt's return. I sighed deeply, looking into the living room to see Matt on the couch, lounging in front of the TV as he drank a beer. I turned away, walking further into the kitchen before coming to the stairs, sitting at the bottom of them.

"He's getting worse, Bri. He barely talks, he barely eats... He drinks a lot more than he ever used to. I'm worried. I want to help him, but I don't know what to do..." I mumbled, rubbing my forehead with one hand.

"Do you want me to come over? See if I can at least talk to him or something?" Brian asked, and I paused before answering, thinking to myself.

"I don't know... I mean, the added help trying to get through to him would be nice... But I feel like this is something I have to do myself, you know? I don't want him to be a burden on anyone else... And I mean, I'm his wife... if he won't open up to me, who will he open up to?" I asked, letting out a deep sigh.

"Maybe... I don't know. But if you do want me to come over, I'm just a call away, alright?"

I let a little smile slip past my lips, though I knew he couldn't see it, showing my appreciation for his kindness and concern. "Okay."

"Right. Well, Kate's just finished making dinner, so I have to go. I'll talk to you later though," Brian said.

"Okay. Love you."

"Love you too, Jay," he answered, and then we said our goodbyes. I just sat on the stairs, my elbows resting on my knees and my head hanging, wondering just how I was going to fix my broken husband and get him back to the man he was before, back when he loved life and lived it to the fullest; instead of letting it just pass him by as he remained an empty shell.

Suddenly I heard far-off crying from behind me, signaling Matty was awake and ready to be fed. I slowly got up and trudged my way up the stairs, passing Alex's room where he was busy playing video games, and into Matty's nursery. I picked him up from his crib and rested him on my hip, bouncing him slightly to at least calm his cries while I headed downstairs with him to get him some food.

I set him in his highchair at the dinner table, putting a bib around his neck before getting a bottle ready for him and cutting up pieces of a banana. He had a few teeth by now, so he was able to chew soft things like that.

Once he was all fed, I cleaned him up and carried him into the living room, where Matt was still relaxing. When I sat down on the space next to him, Matt glanced over at me and I saw the emptiness in his eyes, tearing my heart into pieces knowing he was feeling the way he was. I sent him a little smile as Matty Jr. crawled into his father's lap, and soon felt Matt's arm around my shoulders, a kiss being placed on my temple, showing his silent affection. I just leaned into him, feeling the heat radiate off his body, and focused on the television.

It was late, much past the time that the children were sent to bed, and I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth. I looked up into the mirror before heading to bed, my eyes sweeping over my face. I could see the wrinkles that were slowly starting to appear, showing the signs of aging. I was getting old. I never used to think that thirty-two was old, but now that I had reached that age, I could feel time slipping through my fingers, faster and faster with each passing day, leading me to the point where time would eventually run out. I felt old.

I sighed deeply, running my fingers through my hair once before turning away from the mirror and heading back to my room. The lights were dim and I could see Matt sitting at the edge of the bed, his back hunched and his body facing away from me. Slowly I crept to the bed, crawling onto it and coming up behind him. I reached a hand out and touched the warm, smooth skin of his back, running it up the curve of his muscles until I was pressed against him, my chin resting against his shoulder and my arms wrapped around him. I gently pressed my lips to his shoulder, tracing his collar bone with me fingers.

"Baby..." I whispered, but he didn't respond. I sighed before reaching a hand up to his cheek, gently turning his head to face me. His eyes were downcast and dull, the glow of life vacated from them.

"Matt, look at me," I persisted, and I lightly pressed a kiss to his lips, receiving barely a response. Upon my request, his eyes met mine. "Baby... Talk to me, please. Tell me what you want. Tell me what I can do to help you. Please," I begged him quietly. I watched as his eyes closed, slowly opening a moment later. He leaned into me and kissed me, a bit harder than I had just done to him, and then pulled away, staying quite close.

"Just love me... That's all I need you to do, Jay," he whispered, his breath puffing against my lips. I didn't think he would respond, and I felt tears prick my eyes when he did.

"Okay," I whispered back, kissing him once more. He turned his body to mine, slowly pushing me back until I was flat on my back, his body hovering over mine. His hands slid under my shirt, dragging it upward, and I sat up a bit to help him remove it. As he continued to undress me, his skin gliding against mine with every move I made, I knew that making love to Matt now would feel like making love to a whole new person. I couldn't help but have that thought hover in the back of my mind as Matt's hips pressed into mine, causing shivers to run down my spine as I pulled his body closer.

Matt's breathing was steady as he pressed a hard kiss to my lips, and I gasped as he slid into me, feeling the intrusion like it was a whole new feeling. My body was set on fire as he rocked his hips slowly into mine, and then I realized that even though the Matt I had once known had changed so drastically, his love for me had stayed the same. I could tell just in the way his body moved with mine, in the way his hands touched me, and in the way he kissed me.

And as he continued to make love to me, I looked up into Matt's eyes and saw that, for the first time since he had been home, he truly looked alive.

I laid awake late into the night, after even Matt had fallen asleep next to me, his arm wrapped around my middle. I usually slept easily after a night of Matt ravishing my body, but that night, I just couldn't sleep. I had gotten through to him, in at least one way. But there were still things on my mind, poking and prodding my brain every time I neared sleep, keeping me awake.

I wanted to know what had happened to him. I wanted to know the pain he had suffered. I wanted him to just pour his soul out to me, just hold me close and tell me everything that had changed him into the man he now was. I knew that I probably wouldn't like what I heard, but I needed it. I needed to help him, because he needed to let it out.

I sighed deeply as I closed my eyes briefly, turning onto my side before slowly getting up, trying not to disturb Matt in his sleep. I headed to the bathroom, quickly doing my business before returning to bed. Once I had laid back down I felt Matt stir beside me, and he yawned, his eyes opening to look at me tiredly.

"Baby, why are you awake? Go to sleep," he whispered, closing his eyes as he tried to go back to sleep himself.

"I can't..." I replied, and he opened his eyes again.

"What's wrong?"

Slowly I sat up, hugging my knees to my chest before looking over my shoulder at him. "Baby, what happened to you over there? What happened that caused them to think you died? I want to know..." I whispered, and Matt slowly sat up next to me, his eyes boring into mine until he looked down in his lap, leaning back on his hands.

"Alright... I'll tell you..."