He Won't Be Coming Home

The sun beat down on our little gathering of friends one hot summer's day. Mattie was four, and he and Amy, who was only half a year older than him, were very good friends. They always had play dates and at that time were over in the yard, playing with toys that had been brought. Alex, who had just turned thirteen, was farther away in Kate and Brian's backyard as he kicked a soccer ball around with Johnny and Jimmy. He was determined to make the modified team at his school, so he spent a lot of time with that ball, kicking it around the yard at home. Johnny had even helped him with some techniques he had learned when he played on a team in high school.

The rest of us, Diane and Angela, Kate and Brian, Matt and I, and Sarah, were sitting around on the deck, talking, laughing, and enjoying a cold drink just like old times. All that was missing was Zacky...

I looked over at Kate as she discussed something with Angela, the sun shining through her hair as she sat perched on Brian's lap. I smiled to myself at how radiant she looked, her entire being practically glowing. I could see Brian's hand placed delicately on her stomach where her baby bump was. They had finally gotten pregnant after a few years of trying, and I was more than happy for them. Kate was about four months along now.

I felt Matt's hand squeeze mine lightly, our fingers laced together as we sat side by side on the patio chairs. I looked over at him with a smile to see him sending one back my way, his aviators covering his beautiful hazel eyes. A cool breeze slowly blew past, sending tingles down my spine in the heat, and Matt leaned in to place a gentle kiss on my temple, pulling away again, concentrating on the conversation.

"Hey babe, get up," Brian said to Kate, pinching her sides playfully to get her off his lap. "I gotta go check on the burgers." With that, Kate giggled and stood momentarily until Brian was out from under her, and then sat back down.

"So Kate, have you set up a date for the baby shower yet?" I asked, and she turned her attention to me, sipping on an iced tea before answering.

"I was thinking maybe sometime in late September? That way I won't be a fat whale, and it won't be too close to the due date," she answered. "What are you getting me, huh?" she queried, wriggling her eyebrows coyly.

"Absolutely nothing cuz you're a brat," I remarked, sticking my tongue out playfully. She just smirked and pretended to bite my tongue even though she was too far away.

I quieted down after tht and just took in all our friends gathering together. It was a ritual type thing that we had always done, but lately it just didn't seem right. We all knew why, but none of us would openly talk about it much. We didn't want to tear open old scars and feel that pain again. Though I knew for Sarah, that scar would never fully heal, because she would always be without her beloved Zack, and so would the rest of us. I just wondered what things would have been like if Zack had never died. I know he and Sarah would probably have another rug rat running around the house. He'd always wanted to have a big family; it was something he had expressed to me when we were in our early twenties, none of us really knowing what our futures held for us.

I wondered if Zack would have lived his life differently if he had known the fate that was waiting for him. He probably would have cherished every moment he was alive, would have stopped putting things off, and would have done things that really mattered to him.

As for Matt and I, we had our own wounds that needed healing. The time we were apart was horrible, but I think it only brought us closer upon his return. I knew that the road to our healing and, more specifically Matt's, would probably never come to an end. Some of the wounds, the emotional ones, like losing a dear, close friend, would never heal' the physical ones would over time, but the scars would always be a reminder of the lives we had lived and the hardships we had faced.

Matt and I had thought of having another child, perhaps a girl, but we were both getting older, and Alex and Matt Jr. were handfuls of work themselves. We were just happy with what we had, and it was enough for us. Maybe we would adopt, maybe we wouldn't. It all depended on how things worked out.

The afternoon was coming to it's closure, the sun heading farther across the sky toward the horizon, and Matt and I decided that it was time to go. I could've stayed longer, but Matt had whispered to me that there were things he needed to get done and he didn't want to stay too long. So we said our goodbyes, giving out hugs and kisses to our close friends and wishing them well before collecting our children and getting to the car.

The drive was relatively silent as I sat beside Matt in the front, one of his hands on the wheel and the other holding mine over the center console. The only noises were coming from the boys in the backseat, and I turned around to watch them.

Alex was such a good older brother to Matt, showing him how to do new things and always looking out for him. It didn't bother either of them that there was a nine year age gap between them; they loved each other. I could hardly imagine what it would be like in five years' time when Alex would be going off to college, leaving his little brother behind. They were both going to make Matt and I so proud.

Facing the front, I watched the road as Matt took us all home. My mind was beginning to drift elsewhere when suddenly Matt took a turn down a road, taking us farther from home.

"Matt?" I questioned, but he just looked at me with a pained smile.

"I gotta stop somewhere real fast... See an old friend."

I didn't question him further, but watched as he made his way down familiar streets. I looked to my right out the side window once Matt had pulled up alongside the cemetery, and then looked at him once more. I nodded, understanding.

"Do you want me to stay here?" I asked as he unbuckled himself, shutting the car off.

"No," he answered quietly. "I want you all to come with me."

We got the boys out of the car, and I held onto Mattie's hand as we trekked across the lush green grass, passing various headstones along the way. This was a big step for Matt; the entire time he had been home in the past three years, not once did he stop by Zack's grave. I didn't blame him, because I knew what kind of painful memories would be dug up from the past.

Slowly I led Matt to the black marble headstone, marking the grave of our friend who had been laid to rest near five years ago. We came to a stop, and I held the boys to me as Matt stepped closer to the stone, getting slowly onto his knees, not but a foot from the headstone.

I watched as Matt stayed silent, reaching out to the small American flag that was dug into the grass with the headstone, his fingers softly touching the flag as it gently blew in the breeze. I heard him take a deep breath, slowly letting it out as he placed his hands in his lap.

"Hey Zack," he said quietly, almost in a whisper. "I can't believe it's already been five years... Seems like just yesterday we were all kids again, sitting around in my parents' garage and fooling around... God, I wish you could be here. We all miss you so much," he continued, and then got really quietl.

"Mom," I heard Alex whisper, tugging on my shirt, but I shushed him.

"Be quiet for your father," I whispered back, and he nodded as I ran my fingers through his hair.

Mat didn't say anything for a long time, and I watched as his body began to lightly shake. I heard him sniffle and he reached a hand up to his eyes, and then completely broke down. I watched as his back shook with every sob that came out of his throat, and could feel my own tears coming on as well because of this little meeting. I just wanted to reach out and place a hand on his shoulder, but I knew that he just wanted to do this on his own.

It took him awhile to finally calm down and get everything out of his system, but the children and I just stood there waiting, watching as the sky began to grow darker. With one last sigh, the sobs finally died down.

"I uh... I brought something that I would have wanted you to have... I don't feel like I'm worthy of having the honor of keeping it. But you... Zack, you had so much courage. You were brave many times in your life, even in times where you were the only one standing tall and no one had your back. You deserve this more than I do."

I watched as Matt reached into his pocket and pulled out his medal, the Purple Heart of Courage, and held it in his hand, looking down at it and running his thumb over the front. He reached out to the flag on the little metal pole and pulled it from the ground, using it to cut a square about four inches on each side in the grass and dirt in front of the black headstone. It wasn't very deep when Matt pulled at the cut piece, pulling it from the ground, but it would work. He set the flag back in its place before putting the medal down in the square, placing the chunk of grass and dirt back over it, pressing it hard into the ground.

Slowly getting back on his feet, Matt reached out and placed his hand on the top edge of the headstone, running his thumb over it gently before letting go and wiping his cheeks of the dampness. He turned back around and joined the boys and I.

"Let's go home," he said quietly, and we all headed silently back to the car. The rest of the ride home was kept in silence as well, and I looked out the window, watching all the people and the houses we passed by.

It's always been said that everything happens for a reason, no matter how horrible the matter is. It doesn't always seem true, but after time, you realize what the reason was, and why it was meant to happen. We hadn't figured out our reason yet for why our lives had been turned completely upside down, but I knew that it was only a matter of time. We may never find out what the reason for changing our lives so drastically was. But I did know one thing that I had finally learned through all of this. I was never going to take one single second of my life for granted ever again. I had learned that life can be taken away from anyone at any moment, no matter what the situation.

And no way was I ever going to give up my life.