He Won't Be Coming Home

I was sprawled out on my bed, the phone held up to my ear as I chatted away with Sarah. "I really thing you should come move in with me," I said, pressing the matter. "It's not a good idea for you to be so pregnant and alone in your house. That way if something happens to you, I'll be here to help out."

"It is pretty lonely here without Zacky. I can't believe they've been gone almost a month now," Sarah replied.

"I know... It seems it's been forever since I've seen them. Has Zacky written to you yet?"

"Yeah, just once. It wasn't too long, but he said that they're so busy that they rarely get the time to sit down and write a letter. He also said that their troop keeps getting moved around a lot, so that makes it hard," Sarah replied. It was quiet for a couple minutes after that, neither of us knowing what ought to be said.

"I miss them so much," I whispered.

"So do I... I'm totally bummed that Zacky won't even be there for the birth of his first daughter," Sarah said, her tone filling with sadness.

"You're having a girl!? When did you find out?" I asked, getting excited.

"I found out a couple days ago when I went for an ultrasound. It took them forever to figure out before if it was a boy or girl. Quite stupid, really. I mean, how hard is it to spot a penis on that screen to figure it out?"

I chuckled. "I dunno... But I'm glad they finally figured it out for you. Which reminds me... There's something I've got to tell you," I said hesitantly.

"Okay, what is it?" she asked.

"... I'm pregnant."

"Are you really!?" Sarah asked, getting excited.

"Yes. The next time I send a letter back to Matt, I'm going to tell him. He might not be there for the birth of his second child. We're gonna have to be there for each other. So... are you gonna move in or not?" I asked, the offer still standing.

"Yeah. I don't like the idea of living alone either. Too much idle time on my hands to think about unnecessary things. And besides, who else would I rather have holding my hand during labor while I broke their bones?" Sarah answered, letting out a little laugh.

"Okay, I'll come by whenever you want me to so I can help you pack up some stuff you want to bring."

"You can come by tomorrow then. I won't have to bring much, I assume. I mean, it's not permanent or anything. Just some clothes and things like that," Sarah mumbled on. She must've been thinking about Zacky.

"Okay, good. That'll give me time to set up the spare bedroom and bathroom for you," I said as I drummed my fingers on the table.

"Alright, well I gotta go make some dinner so I'll see you tomorrow. Come whenever you want to."

"Well do," I said and then we exchanged our goodbyes and hung up the phones.

"Sweetie, we're gonna go over to Auntie Sarah's house today so she can come stay with us a little while," I said to Alex as he ate his breakfast. "Okay?" Alex just nodded his head and kept shoveling away at his cereal. I ruffled his hair and bent down to place a kiss on his cheek, glancing at the clock. It was a little after nine. "I'll be right back, I'm going to go check the mail," I said, and then went out the front door, checking inside the mailbox on the wall right next to the door. A white envelope. I smiled as I picked it up in my hands. From Matt. Finally. I carried the letter back inside the house, sitting down next to Alex at the table. I tore it open, letting the sheets of paper inside slide out.

My dearest Jay,

I am sorry I could not send word out sooner. None of us have had any time at all to keep up with writing home, what with being sent off to a different temporary base every couple of days. Zacky was able to squeeze out a quick letter, which I'm sure you knew of through Sarah. How is she doing by the way? She's got to be about ready to pop any day now.

How are you? How are Alex and the rest of the guys? I miss you all so much. I don't think I've ever experienced homesickness this bad in my entire life. I think about all of you every day. There's nothing I can do to get my mind off you.

Every night I wake up in a cold sweat, my breathing shallow. I've been here just about a month, and already it's bad enough to make me have nightmares. Once this is over I pray to God no one ever has to see the things I have seen ever again. It's horrible. I can't even bother to make friends anymore with other guys because some of them end up dead a few days later.

It's hard to think about anything other than death when it's looking you square in the face. We've gone into the city a few times, and I've already killed at least fifteen people. Fifteen people, in just under a month. One of them was a woman; I almost didn't shoot her because my mind was running too much. I kept thinking, 'What if she had children at home, with no one but her to care for them?' It made me think too much of you. But as soon as she pointed that gun at me, my mind shut down and my reflexes kicked in and I shot her three times. I almost got shot myself in my hesitation, and that was the end of letting my brain think too much. They've pretty much turned us into robots, as queer as that sounds; they say jump, we jump. They say shoot any enemy with a weapon, we do it, and we do it well, no questions asked. That's how it goes, every day.

But there's one good thing that has come from all this death that surrounds me. It really gets me thinking about how fragile all our lives really are. We don't know what could happen to us; we could be fine one day and end up dead the next for no reason at all. So I've made myself a promise that when I come back home to you, I'm not taking anything for granted. Even the smallest things. I'm not going to look them over, and I'm going to make every moment count in some way or another.

Zacky has really been getting much better with the guns; he hasn't shot himself so that's always good. His spirits have dropped considerably. So have mine. We both talk about all the things we want to do when we get home. Zacky said the first thing on his list was to hold his new baby. He's really excited to find out what it is; so am I. It makes me think about when we can have our next baby. You best believe when I get home, that's one of the first things on my list. I'm warning you right now. I probably won't be able to keep my hands off you when I get there. It's already been a month and it's incredible how much need I have for you right now. Just wait a couple months with me here, I'll be going insane. But anyways, the number one thing on my list would be holding you and Alex in my arms and never letting you go.

How is Alex taking my absence? It's gotta be weird for him. I've never been gone for long periods of time since he was born; a few weeks at most, maybe a month or two. Once I'm here for half a year, which is what the minimum is looking at right now, we're gonna have some problems. You'll have to get Brian or one of the guys to come over and be a temporary father figure for him. You know... teach him about boy stuff and growing up and all that. It'd at least be better than nothing if I can't be there for it myself.

Well it's just about lights out for us so I'm going to have to end this here. I hope to be hearing from you soon; catch up on all the things I've been missing out on. I love you, which I'm sure you know, but I'm letting you hear it anyways. Tell Alex I love him and miss him too.

My love always,

Matt

I wiped away the few tears as they made their way down my cheeks and set the letter down on the table. I spent a good half an hour to forty-five minutes writing a reply. I wrote the return address Matt had written on the front of his envelope as the sending address, hoping they hadn't been shipped off to another base. Matt's letter had, after all, been dated about a week prior to today. Hopefully he'd get my letter in a week or less.

I added in the little bit Alex had written, licked and closed the envelope, and put it in the mailbox, allowing Alex to put the little red flag up.

"Alright, you ready to go see Auntie Sarah?" I asked Alex. He nodded his head, and just as we were about to leave a knock came on the door. I went and answered it, bringing Alex with me, and it was Kate. "Hey! What're you doing here?" I asked, smiling. "Where's Brian?"

"He's at home... asleep... So I figured I'd come chill out... see what you were up to," she shrugged.

"Oh, well we were just about to go to Sarah's house to help her move some stuff here. She'll be staying here instead of being alone since she's pregnant."

"Ooooh, if you want, I can help."

"That would be awesome, thanks," I smiled, so the three of us got into the car and headed down to Sarah and Zacky's house. When we walked in, her pregnant self was moving boxes around. "Hey!" I said to her. "You're not supposed to be lifting heavy things! You could hurt yourself," I said. Sarah rolled her eyes.

"I've been lifting things for all my pregnancy. Zacky would get pissed, let me tell you. He learned after awhile that I was always going to be stubborn and that he wouldn't get his way, so he just gave up," she shrugged. Kate let out a small laugh from beside me.

"Well, I don't care what you say. You know I'm every bit as stubborn as you are, so we'll just keep arguing back and forth. But since I just wanna get you moved in, in not a lot of time, you get your way. For now. After this, I'm making you rest," I scolded.

"Yesmother," Sarah huffed, and the three of us spent the next two hours packing some things she wanted, driving them to my house, and then setting up.