My Everything.

Ryan’s eyes had filled with tears as soon as Brendon had let the words out into the open. He wanted to cry out of anger and he wanted to shout at Brendon for something that was not his fault, for something they could not control. He wanted to cry out of sadness because this was not how it was supposed to happen; he was supposed to be Brendon, finally, after so much trouble and heartbreak. But the idea of them together, thought Ryan would be impossible.

“Sorry.” Brendon spoke with a low and saddened tone, tears rolling down his face.

Ryan couldn’t speak; even if he could he didn’t know what he could possibly say. Ryan shook his head, it was the only thing he could do. He couldn’t express anything he was feeling because even he didn’t know what he was feeling.

“I tried.” Brendon spoke desperately, trying to say something to make the situation better.

“I was going to tell her but-“

“Forget it.” Ryan finally spoke cutting Brendon off.

“Please Ry, don’t.” Brendon spoke as his voice broke and more tears began to form.

“You shouldn’t be here.” Ryan said turning around, he didn’t want to look vulnerable in front of him, not now.

“I can still tell her.” Brendon spoke softly.

Ryan shook his head once more, he just wanted Brendon to disappear, and he wanted all of this to disappear.

Brendon stood there crying quietly. He didn’t want to accept the fact that he was losing the person he loved the most in the world again. After everything they had gone through-

Brendon closed his eyes bringing his hands up to his face allowing his body to shake from the sobs that were taking control, he didn’t want anything- or anyone else but Ryan, he was his everything. His stars, his moon, his sun, his air, his water, he was everything and all that he needed in the world; just Ryan.

But then he remembered what had started all of this, Rachel. His sweet Rachel who he cared about, who only wanted the best for her and yet he was the worst thing for her. She had fallen in love with him, and only because he had allowed her to. He had opened himself to her, he had let her into his heart and she had done the same.

But Brendon didn’t love her the same way he and Ryan loved each other, he didn’t love her the same way she loved him and it was his fault. He shouldn’t have given her false hope; he shouldn't have pretended and lied by telling her all the things that were meant for Ryan.

For the first time in his life he felt like he had lost everything and that his whole life had fallen into pieces with no way of putting it back together. He remembered what Rachel had told him, and what he had told Ryan and he couldn’t bring himself to reality. He didn’t want to come back to reality. You’re going to be a daddy! He could hear Rachel repeat over and over again in his mind, he fell onto the floor and began pounding his fists against it; he didn’t want to be a father.

The pounding alarmed Ryan causing him to turn around; the sight broke his heart a little more if it was even possible. Ryan walked towards Brendon and dropped to his knees besides him, Brendon looked at Ryan through his eatery eyes, and Ryan wiped away Brendon’s tears and took him into his arms, whispering “I love you.”

Six months later Brendon stood holding on to Rachel’s hand as she screamed in pain, there was something wrong with the baby, she wasn’t due for another two months and yet she was begging to be born. Brendon looked at Rachel, her face filled with agony, he kept telling her everything was going to be okay, but even he didn’t believe himself.

“It hurts.” Rachel kept on whimpering wanting nothing more but for the pain to disappear.

She could feel herself growing weak and the doctors weren’t doing anything to help her, they just kept telling her to hold on a little longer, that there was something wrong with the baby and they were trying to figure out exactly what it was so they wouldn’t hurt her but there wasn’t anything wrong with the baby, there was something wrong with Rachel, and she knew it.

“Brendon.” She spoke in a low and fragile voice.

Brendon looked at her and nodded signaling her to go on.

“Name her Amelia after my mother.” She said letting go of Brendon’s hand.

“Don’t say that!” Brendon shouted, he knew she was saying her goodbyes, he knew she was getting ready to die.

“Promise me.” She whispered.

“Rachel, don’t.” He said turning her face towards his, so he could look straight into her green emerald eyes.

“Promise me.” She repeated.

Brendon shook his head, he wasn’t about to accept the reality that Rachel was going to die. He stepped away from her and ran out of the room shouting for help.

Ryan arrived a little later after Rachel had gone into labor, he spotted Brendon in the waiting room pacing up in down with his hand on his head, Ryan knew he was anxious, nervous, and scared all mixed together.

“It’s going to be alright.” Ryan spoke in a low voice causing Brendon to stop pacing.

Brendon looked at Ryan, looked at the man he loved and tried to believe the words he had spoken, but deep down he knew everything wasn’t going to be alright.

“They wouldn’t let me in.” Brendon whispered as he turned to look at the double doors were Rachel had been taken to, Brendon looked away quickly he didn’t want to think about anything. He wanted all this to be over.

What if Rachel had died? What was he going to do with the baby? He couldn’t do this by himself. He started pacing again unable to contain his emotions; there was so much he didn’t know. It was Rachel who had been reading the baby books, not him. It was Rachel who had wanted a baby, not him. It was Rachel who was excited to be a parent, not him.

“Mr. Urie.” Brendon lost his train of thought as he heard a familiar voice.

Brendon turned around and stared into the doctor that had taken Rachel into the delivery room.

“Your baby girl is perfectly healthy.” She spoke.

“What about Rachel?” He questioned.

The doctor’s smile turned into a frown, it wasn’t ever easy delivering bad news.

“She-She didn’t make it. I’m sorry.”

Ryan walked up to Brendon embracing him into hug allowing Brendon to cry into his shoulder, he tried to tell him things were going to be okay but Brendon couldn’t see how things were going to be okay, he had a daughter and he knew he wasn’t going to be able to take care of her the way she deserved to be taken care of.

He thought about running out right then and there leaving that poor innocent baby for somebody else to take the responsibility he didn’t want.

“Would you like to hold your daughter?” A different voice spoke.

Both Brendon and Ryan turned to see a nurse holding a small baby girl in a pink hospital blanket, Brendon stared into the baby’s innocent face and shook his head, that little girl didn’t deserve him as a father. It should have been him who should have died, not Rachel.

Even if he deserved her as a daughter, he didn’t want her.

Ryan looked at Brendon and he knew what he had to do, he took the baby from the nurse’s arm into his and rocked her slowly causing the little baby to coo and blink a couple of time. Ryan smiled feeling something- something so unusual but good inside his chest. He brought his index finger up to the baby’s face and felt her soft skin against his own and the baby felt what it was to be loved for the first time. Her small fingers intertwined with Ryan’s finger as if telling him to never abandon her, and he understood exactly that.

Ryan looked up to see Brendon, who had been staring at him the whole time.

“We can do this.” Ryan whispered kissing the baby’s forehead.

Brendon looked at Ryan and then down at her daughter, at her little Amelia and he smiled a sad smile, for Amelia deserved Ryan, just as Ryan deserved her, and he knew he would always be her father but Ryan would always be her dad.