Spirit

Chapter 10: Superior
“Hey, Jayant. Where’s mom?” I asked as I entered the kitchen. Jayant was putting together sandwiches.
“She went shopping. She told me to stay here to watch Nicol and Jon.” He didn’t look up at me while he was talking. He was too preoccupied with making the sandwiches perfect.
“She didn’t say anything about me?” I asked.
“Nope,” he said, popping the “P”.
“Oh. Really?” That was surpring. So it looked like my mom really did see me as mature.
“Yup.” He popped the “P” again. “Would you like a sandwich?” He asked.
“Sure.”
It was a nice day today and I really wanted to get some fresh air. It’s been four days since I’ve stepped foot outside of this house.
“Jayant, can I go outside and eat my sandwich there?” I asked. It felt weird how I had to ask to go outside.
He looked up at me like I spoke a foreign language. Then he froze and stiffened up. His eyes became distant and I was close enough to see his pupils dilate. “Sure. Why not,” he murmured, his voice distant as well.
“Uhm… okay,” I said, confused. I expected him to object,
He stood there, starring off into space.
I waved my hand in front of his face. “Jayant?”
Jayant raised one eyebrow and figuratively, he came back down to Earth. “Here’s your sandwich,” he said, handing me the plate.
“So can I go outside?” I asked again, making sure he was listening before.
“What? Of course not! Are you crazy?”
“But just a minute ago, you said I can!”
I looked at me just as confused as I was.
“Fine,” he sighed. “But only for less than ten minutes,” he added. “And I’m going to have to watch you from the doorway.”
I clapped my hands excitedly. He gave Nicol and Jon their sandwiches then mine and we walked outside to the backyard.
I faced the sun and closed my eyes and took in a deep breath of fresh air. I opened my eyes and sat on a bench facing the sun and took a bite of my sandwich. I looked at my brother who was standing across from me, leaning on the door frame.
I patted a spot next to me for him to sit down. I smiled, rolled his eyes, and walked toward me.
“Let’s talk,” I chirped.
“About what?” He sighed.
“Don’t be such a downer. I’ll think of a good topic…. How are you and Harlie?”
“We’re good,” he said and nodded his head.
“Can you please be more detailed? I tell you everything so now it’s your turn.”
He sighed. “She’s still in New York, but she’s visting her family and is going to stay there for a little while longer than expected.”
“Do you miss her?” I asked, digging deeper for details.
“Of course I do! When you love someone and they leave, tell me how it feels,” he chuckled.
I fell silent. All humor washed away. I shut my eyes tightly, hoping a tear wouldn’t escape. I put the sandwich down on the plate and cupped my hands over my face.
“Oh jeez…. I’m so sorry, Natalia. I shouldn’t have said that.” He put his arm around me and held me close to him. I wrapped my arms around him and cried into his shoulder. “How could I be so stupid?” He sighed.
“It’s not your fault,” I said between sobs. “It feels like so many things are coming together and at the same time falling apart. I’d do anything to have the relationship you have with Harlie,” I mumbled, still crying into his shoulder. “You guys have been together since junior high. People thought it wouldn’t last, people thought your love for each other was fickle, but you knew they were wrong. You know you two would last and that you’ve finally found someone you’d spend the rest of your life with. I want that so bad. I want that with Lawren. I envy you.”
“Natalia,” he sighed. “If he doesn’t see how great you are… then maybe he doesn’t deserve you. You shouldn’t wait around for someone who doesn’t see that. So maybe your future doesn’t have him in it. So what? Maybe that’s because theres someone better, someone meant for you out there and they want you as bad as you want them. You never know. Never rush love or anything else. Take your time.”
“I just wish I had what you and Harlie have. I wish I were you….”
“And I wish I were you.” I heard a smile in his voice.
I looked up at him and wiped the tears from my eyes. “What did you say?”
“I wish I were you,” he said slowly.
“Why?! Are you insane? Are you stupid?” I shrieked. “You wouldn’t be saying that if you were me,” I muttered.
“I’m saying that because it’s quite evident that you have a very important job you have to accomplish in your life. You don’t know what it is, but you do. Do you think God made you like this for no particular reason? No,” he said answering his own question. “He made you like this because you need to do something important. Something… life changing. You are like a super hero! You have something like an ability and at first, you think you’re a monster, but you later find out that you can use your ability for good and to help others in distress. Do you not see that the superiority you have? Your superior, Natalia. Remember that.”
I nodded my head and looked at him and smiled. “Your right. Maybe I’ll be the real life Wonder Women!” I said and laughed a weak laugh. Jayant laughed along with me.
“So…” I sighed. “Are you two anticipating on making me an aunt anytime soon?” I asked eagerly.
He chuckled. “Natalia, we’ll see what happens,” he said, still laughing.
“I’m taking that as ‘very soon’,” I said and smiled.
“I knew this conversation would be bad,” he sighed.
Jayant and I absent-mindedly stayed out longer than what was mean for. Luckily, my guard didn’t find me.
As I sat in my room, I thought about what Jayant said about me being a super hero, and me having a specific purpose in the world. But the thing that stuck with me the most was me being superior. Was that what I was supposed to be? Higher than everyone else? Of course not. God didn’t make me into this for me to be better than anyone.
Maybe what Jayant meant by “superior” was that I was just different and I was able to do stuff that other couldn’t.
I was my own definition of superior.