Queen of Hearts

Everything, everything that I had was almost torn away from me. The girl I had tried so hard to win over, the one I fell so madly in love with could leave me. My life, right there and then will have had no meaning. Without her, there is no point to me. Without her, I am a waste of a man, too afraid of the real world and commitment to be good for something or someone. Without her, I will go back to being the scum trying to pick up easy girls from a bar for a one night stand.

The stupidity overwhelmed me, and as my body molded into the bed beneath me, the palms of my hands pressed into my eyes, trying to erase the memory of last night out of my head. How I could forget about every feeling she gave me, and go after a girl like that stunned me. I had the perfect girl waiting at home, and the first road trip I take away from her, I almost fell back into my old ways.

I wouldn’t be surprised if when I get home, I’m back to living alone.

“Loui?” Mike’s voice broke through the silence of the room. A loud thud of the hotel door closing followed his voice, and after all the noises faded into the air, I sat up and looked at him with my huge sorry eyes. Without a single word, he had realized what I had done. “Do you think at all?” He simply asked me as he walked to the bed parallel to mine and sat down, staring at me with wide angry eyes.

Shaking my head, my palms pressed into my thighs as a long exhale left my lungs deflated in my chest and my heart beating slowly. “I realized what I was doing”, my hands went to my eyes, covering them in embarrassment, “I left and I felt so horrible, that I called her.”

“Let me get this straight”, Mike was married, he had children, he would understand my decision, “You made out with a girl, and then –thank god- you realized what you were doing and left her, and then you called Casey and told her that you almost cheated on her?” Coming from him, it sounded like the dumbest thing anyone could ever do, but at that moment, I couldn’t think of going home and facing her keeping my mistake under wraps. What would happen if she found out later on?

With a heavy sigh, a caring, understanding smile twisted on Mike’s lips. Shaking his head, he walked over to his suitcase and informed me that I wasn’t as stupid as he guessed. Although it wasn’t the words of wisdom to help me out of this ditch I pushed myself into, it gave me a little comfort to know that even on my stupidest days I could make a good decision.

My body pressed back into the worn mattress beneath me. Thoughts rushed through my head, and every now and again, I would turn my head, hoping that the little screen on my cell phone would light up and inform me that Casey was calling me, telling me that she still loved me after what I told her. But every time I turned my head, it only added to the screaming in my head, telling me that I had lost my one chance at happiness.

“She’s not going to call you”, Mike stated nonchalantly as he lay down on his bed and pulled his phone off of the night table next to him. After clicking a few buttons he slid the phone shut and rested it on his chest. “You just told her you made out with some random girl at a club in Phoenix while you were buzzed”, my heart ached as the words resonated in my head, “Just because you told her that you’re ‘player’ days are over, doesn’t mean anything to her right now”, his eyelids shielded his eyes from the ugly plaster ceiling above us.

Minutes later, the light sound of his breathing took place of his words, and even though some sleep would do me good, I couldn’t force my eyes shut for more than a minute. Every time I would get ready to loosen up and get comfortable, the thought of coming home from road trips without her rushed through my veins forcing my eyes back open. I wanted to forget what had happened, I wanted to forget everything about tonight, but for some reason it just wouldn’t let me go.

Earlier that Night.

“Hey man, we’re going out, you want to come?” Trevor asked as a few other guys from the team chimed in encouraging me to go and get the ‘bad loss’ out of my system with some drinks and girls. Without putting much thought into it, I jumped at the opportunity and quickly changed from my sweats and tee shirt to my button up dark green shirt and pants.

Once I was covered in cologne, I ran my fingers through my hair and with a huge smile, followed Trevor and the rest of the young guys out of the hotel and over to a rented Range Rover. “Hey Loui”, one of the guys called from the last row of seats; “You have a perfect girl back in Dallas, what are you doing here?” Turning I looked right at the boy speaking, Nicklas, and for a good minute I was turned around, speechless, I couldn’t think of one solid reason why I was here.

“That’s just the way he is”, Trevor chuckled from the driver’s seat in front of me, “He’s a ladies’ man, and he’s always going to be a ladies’ man. He’s the King of the Clubs around these parts”, chuckling I nodded and took a deep breath. Smile on my face, I turned to the window and watched the sidewalks move past the window. Girls walking, hips swaying, but as they moved I couldn’t find it in me to comment on them or even give them a second thought. The previous words were rattling my brain, and the only person I could think of was Casey, sitting home in our house, painting or doing some other little hobby she had with my Home Jersey on, waiting for me to get back.

The rest of the ride to the high-rise club, my stomach was in knots. Nicklas was absolutely correct, I shouldn’t be here when I know I have Casey at home, I should be out enjoying a nice dinner with the married guys on the team, talking about how when they get back home, they can see their wives or serious girlfriends, and not have to worry about as goddamned thing.

Just as I was about to scream ‘What am I doing here?’ and find a way back to the hotel, the car pulled into a parking spot and I was dragged along behind the guys, all of them talking and laughing about the possibilities of a few drinks and a dance floor. All of it to me seemed played out. It was all the same, there was nothing good about these things. You came, you left, and it played on infinite replay from there. There was no comfort, there was no love. There was lust and solitude.

Lights flashed, the sound of the bass pounded through the floorboards, and although the familiar sounds and smells were welcoming, they did not soothe the sickness swirling in my stomach. “I think I’m going to get a drink”, I mumbled. One drink, calm my nerves, and then just sit at the bar and wait for the guys to get done, and whoever was actually coming back to the hotel would drive me home. Correction, I would drive them home.

As the time ticked by on the bar stool, boredom got the best of me, and before I knew it, I was four vodka and limes in, and my common sense and reasoning was off in the dance floor. I had loosened up back to my old self, and even the name Casey that my mind was screaming at me failed to make any bells ring in my head.

“Glad to see you’re back to your old self”, a pat on the shoulder came from one of my team mates, but my reaction time was too off to agree with them, by the time the words thank you hit my tongue, I was layers of bodies away from him. My feet pulled my into the heart of the dance floor, where I was immediately greeted by a kiss on the cheek by a tall brunette girl, glimmering eye shadow making her dull brown eyes have some sort of attraction to them. By the look of determination in her eyes, it was evident she knew who I was.

“I’m Candy”, my eyes blinked and I looked at her again.

“Casey?” A small part of my heart sank down but the reason was unknown.

“No, no, baby”, she leaned in until her lips smothered in pink lip gloss were against my ear, “Candy”, she whispered seductively. Smiling, I pulled away from her and flashed a dazzling smile. My eyes freely traced over her, her tight tank top, her short shorts and long tan legs. All of it sucked me in, but it wasn’t as satisfying as usual. There was only one way to fix that.

We danced, and we danced, the smell of her cheap perfume filled my head, and the feeling of her hands running across my chest was about to drive me insane, and then it all stopped suddenly. Her sticky pink lips landed on mine. We kissed out of lust, and then I heard it. Someone scream her name. Casey! The two syllable name resonated throughout my body, through my blood stream it knocked every drop of alcohol out, in my head, it brought back my common sense, and as my eyes opened, my hands gently pushed the girl away, and without another word, I worked my way through the sea of people out to the back door in which we came in.

Cold air whipped me in the face. The small beads of sweat that rolled down my face multiplied as my heart rate doubled. Realizing what I had done, I allowed my body to drop down onto the sidewalk. Face in my hands, a heavy weight fell over my shoulders. Guilt started to tighten around my throat, and before I could stop myself, I was on my feet, forehead pressed against the brick wall, cell phone to my ear, waiting to hear my girlfriend’s soft voice answer.

The next five minutes happened so fast.

“Hey babe, I saw the game”, her voice was music to my ears, making it even harder to try to force these words out of my mouth. But I knew I had to, there was no way I could go back home and make believe everything was alright. If I didn’t tell her, the next road trip I would find myself making the same mistake. That’s just the way I was, unfortunately. “Is there something wrong, baby?”

My heart shattered as it hit the rigid lining of my stomach. “I went to a club, after the game”, my breathing became shallow, “I had four drinks, and I didn’t know what I was doing. The guys told me I should loosen up, so I did, but then-“, I paused for a moment, hoping I would hear her telling me it was fine, but all I received was cold silence, “There was this girl” That one single words burnt through my vocal cords and my throat. The pain running through my body was overwhelming. “I kissed her. We danced and we kissed, and that’s it. I stopped, I remembered what I had home, and I…”

Silence, all she gave me was the bitter silence, and as tears of frustration started to roll down my cheeks, I let out a scream and slammed my fist against the brick wall I had used as my crutch. “Jesus Christ Casey, just say something!” I begged but as soon as her small sound filled the phone, I wanted to take back everything I had said.

A whimper, like a small dog that had been kicked, echoed through my head. It rattled every bone in my body and sent me into complete nausea. The dark sky and lifeless parking lot around me started to spin. No matter how hard I shut my eyes, I couldn’t shake this feeling. This feeling of complete stupidity and regret.

“I love you, Casey”, her cry grew louder, “I love you more than anything in the world, and I realize that now. I know it’s not the best way to realize it, but I just…”

“I can’t talk to you now” and the line was silent, the call was ended. Pulling the phone away from my ear, my eyes connected onto the background of my phone, Casey and I kissing.

The next morning

The bags were packed, the beds were made, and the cell phone that had stayed next to me all through the night had still not lit up. When I awoke from my three hour long slumber, my hands went right for it, and upon seeing I had no missed texts or calls, Mike shared some words of advice. I shouldn’t call her too much. Call before I got on the plane. Call when I got back to the Airport in Dallas. If there are no answers after those two calls, I would have to go home and face whatever mess I had made myself.

Again, he was absolutely right.

It was another half hour until we were down stairs, getting onto the bus to drive us to the Phoenix airport. There, Mike had left me to go sit with the other men who had wives at home, leaving me to sit down in the one open seat on the bus, next to Nicklas.

As I sat down, his head turned to me, and without one word, I knew that he knew what had happened last night. The ‘I Warned You’ glint shimmered in his eyes, but instead of saying anything about that, he just turned his head back to the window and shook his head in disappointment.

It was a ten minute ride from the hotel to the airport. The whole ride I spent planning out what to say when I called her. If I had to leave a message, would I? If she answered would I just blurt out all of my feelings and scare her away more? All of these questions clouded my mind and before I could clear it up, I was taken from the bus, thrown into the airport, and ushered into an open room filled with plastic chairs.

I had no more time to think, I needed to call her. As I pulled my phone out of the pocket in my sweats, the unfamiliar glow of the screen met my eyes. Panic ran through my veins. Who else besides her could text me? Fingers trembling, I ran my finger across the screen and watched the words pop up onto my screen. ‘One Missed Call – Casey’.

Quickly pressing the send button, my hand brought the phone to my ear and I walked away to the huge window that showed the huge slabs of asphalt where planes were collecting speed and dispersing into the air from. Inhaling sharply, I listened as the phone started to ring.

Each ring heightened the level of anxiety rushing through me, and as it hit the fifth ring, it abruptly stopped and my whole world froze. “Casey?” Voice quiet, I placed my hand on my forehead, trying to cool down the rising temperature of my body.

There was a small sigh followed by a light inhale, “I’ve been thinking”, she paused, “All night long.” My heart started to thud loudly in my chest. These pauses she had been starting to drive me crazy. How I wanted to just scream, scream and beg her to not do what she was going to do. I didn’t want to be what I was back then. I was done with that part of my life. I wanted her, her and me, and that was it. “I think we need a-“

“No, Casey! Casey, please just hear me out. I love you, more than you could ever imagine. I-“

“We need to talk about this when you get home.”

“What is there-“

“Please?” Her beg was smothered in tears, and not wanting to cause her anymore pain, I caved.

“Okay, Love you”, I held my breath, hoping, waiting for her to return the words. Seconds passed that felt like hours before her small voice filled my head.

“I love you too”

We boarded the plane in a similar fashion to how we boarded the bus. Older guys in the back, recovering guys in the middle and front, and just like the plane, I was seated next to Nicklas. Even my light hearted, ‘are you stalking me’ joke couldn’t break the icy look over his eyes.

After the pilot and flight attendants had went through the normal seatbelt procedure, and the plane was just ready to take off, Nicklas turned to me. “How are things?” He was so calm, like nothing had happened, like he had not glared at me a snubbed me for a good portion of the day, but even with the small annoyance by his was on my shoulder, I gave him a weak smile and shrugged.

As he nodded, the engines on the sides of the plane roared and a few minutes later, we were high in the sky. Patches of land down below blended into one color. Roads were tiny lines drawn in a grid-like fashion, and huge bodies of water were as big as the nail on my thumb.

“How is Casey?”

“I’m not sure”, I blurted out keeping my eyes on the earth below. “She told me we were ‘talking’ when I got home”, my voice ended in a whisper.

“Are you done now?” Startled, I turned to him, eyebrows in the middle of my forehead. In the back of my mind, I knew exactly what he was talking about, but a good portion of my brain couldn’t comprehend how he could just ask it so nonchalantly. How calm can someone be when you ask someone if they’re done being a whore?

Smiling a little, I nodded and looked back out of the window. Our conversations ended there. It wasn’t a very official way to end my period as a player –a man whore to be simple- but for some reason, even nodding the answer to the question made me feel better. I had found someone, someone that I could hold onto, and now that I realized it, it was going to be hard to get me back into my old ways, even if things didn’t go my way when I got home.

Halfway through the flight I fell asleep, face pressed against the cold window overlooking the ground. My wake-up was the loud sound of screeching tired down the runway to stop the plane. Groaning from the new ring in my ears from the loud sound, I picked my head off of the window and huffed. Without even looking in a mirror I knew I had a huge red mark on my forehead, but there were other things occupying my mind.

The plane was finally stopped and after a few minutes of me trying to preoccupy my mind from thoughts about speeding home, they informed us we could exit into the airport. Our things would be loaded back into the bus that would take us back to the arena for our cars, but all of these words went right through my head. The only thing I could think about was getting back home and just begging Casey to understand.

Off of the plane, my footsteps echoed through my head as they slapped against the floor. Step by step, I felt my heart rate get faster. How I was going to make it home without going into cardiac arrest first, well, it was going to be a test of how fit I really was.

Down the walkway, through two security checks, and down a few other hallways, we finally made it to wide open waiting room. Plastic chairs were lined up in small packs, shops were stored away in the walls, and hundreds of people moved around like bodies on a huge dance floor. Children asked their parents for the shirts and toys in window fronts, couples chatted about their future vacations, and businessmen and women ranted on their cell phones about jet lag and flight delays.

With a heavy sigh, I followed the line of team mates through the rest of the airport, and as I reached the front doors, I listened as someone called my name. Turning, I felt every limb in my body turn cold, my heart started to race again, and my eyes grew to the size of saucers.

“Casey”, I whispered and then stopped in my tracks, letting the rest of my team mates walk around me and out of the door. Was I losing my mind, I had to be. My eyes traced over every person around me and there was no sight of her. Just as I was about to walk away, her bright hazel eyes connected to mine, and it felt as if the world around me froze. “Casey!” I ran up to her, putting my hands on her face directing her beautiful hazel eyes into mine. “Why are you-“

My sentence was cut short as her hand made contact with my face and left a stinging mark on my cheek. The few people surrounding us fell silent, and as I winced in pain as I shut my eyes, I put my hand up to my face and looked down at her, those hazel eyes covered in a layer of tears. “You, you are the stupidest, most inconsiderate man I have ever met, and I don’t know why I… I don’t even know why I’m here”, she intertwined her fingers together and shook her head as a few tears started to fall from her eyes. “You lied to me! You… You said you weren’t going to have to-“

Her words were starting to make the pain from the slap on the face seem like a small prick of needle compared to the sick feeling in my stomach. Right here, in the middle of the airport, she was going to leave me. I couldn’t let that happen, she was perfect, she was the one.

In a moment of complete panic, I put both of my hands on her cheeks and pulled her face up to mine and pressed my lips against hers. At first, she stayed motionless, but a few seconds later, her arms wrapped around my neck and she broke the kiss, pressing her forehead into my chest.

“Casey, I don’t care if you don’t believe me, but I absolutely love you. You are the only girl that could do this to me, and I won’t let my stupid mistake ruin everything. I’ll never step another floor into a club as long as you stay with me. I’ve never felt this way before Casey, I just can’t look at any other girl without comparing them to you-“

“Shut up a second”, she whispered placing her finger on my lips mid sentence. At first, I was skeptical, but after a few seconds, when her eyes shed the icy layer of water, I let my muscles loosen. “I never said I was going to leave you”, she whispered chuckling a little to herself. “I love you, Loui, and no matter how stupid you are”

“Very”, I mumbled.

“Yes, very stupid, but I still love you”

No words came from my mind or my throat, only actions. With one swift movement, I pressed my lips to hers, and pulled her small frame into me, enjoying the warmth.

These lips were the only lips that I want to kiss for the rest of my life.