Afterlife.

They say that a picture holds a thousand words. Mine only hold memories.

After the photo album scrapbook fiasco, I stopped. That is actually the only way I can describe the change in my behaviour. This is the only time I’ve had to. I stopped living.

Yes I was alive.

Yes I’m still alive – if you were wondering. Although I have thought about what it would be like. Quiet, I guess.

Peaceful.

I didn’t want to leave Daniel alone without either Anne or I to care for him. Sounds stupid I know. I can hear the questions in your minds already.

“Three months ago you couldn’t stand him, what’s changed?”

“Phillipa, why do you even bother when you know you’re only going to make things worse for yourself?”

I bother because he needs me. Over the past few months in our domestic hideaway we’d settled into a routine and become comfortable around each other. We needed each other to survive. I needed him for something to do apart from work, he needed me for an escape from reality. We were desperate.

And so we call forth the first photograph;

“Philly!” I jerked my hand out of my mother’s grip and raced down the street towards my new best friend.

“Hi Annie,” I smiled shyly as I drew to a halt next to her. She was wearing a pretty dark blue pinafore and a stripy jumper underneath. As usual I was dressed haphazardly, anything my mother could find that both fit me and I allowed her to put on my body was a bonus in her eyes. I felt the burning gaze of Anne’s mother’s scrutiny. Retreating into my warm cocoon of winter wool I smiled at Anne’s excitement.

“Where are you going, Mrs Veltine? Are you going into town, me and Mummy are going into town to buy me a new dress!” She addressed my mother and the older woman smiled.

“Will you talk Phillipa into wearing dresses? She never likes to, she says they get in the way. Do you think you could do that?”

“Are you coming shopping then as well?” Anne’s grin was as wide as I’d ever seen it. I smirked and dragged her along by the hand onto the bus.

“You know you really should wear dresses. Or at least a skirt. Mummy says it’s ladylike and a nice green dress would…what’s the phrase? Bring out your eyes.”

“My eyes are already here thank you very much.” I answered back and she rolled her eyes.

“I know that, silly! The colour makes them stand out more though. You’ll get all the boys chasing you when we go back to school!”

“Ew. Year 4 boys are gross,” I pulled a face, “none of them are any good anyway. It’ll be you who’s getting the kiss chase crown this year. I saw how you danced with Josh at the end of year dance!”

She blushed and smiled and said no more. And I had found my sister.

I look now at the photograph of us sitting side by side on the bus and smile.

Who knew, back then, how things would turn out? How successful we’d be, how clever Anne would grow up as?

How young she’d leave us all.

I shied away from the pain and my eyes flickered to the next picture; we were about thirteen in this one and preparing for my first date. Mum had snapped the shot just as Anne tied my hair back so I had a topknot and I was applying the only makeup I wore – mascara.

“Mum!” I shouted as I saw the flash strike across the room.

“What? What? I have no camera and if I did it would only be because I am so proud of you! My little girl. All grown up now.” I saw tears well up in her eyes and ushered her out of the room quickly.

“Let Anne finish my hair and I’ll get dressed and then you can take one picture. And one only. Then Ryan will be getting here and I don’t want you embarrassing me again!” I murmured as I let her out. She nodded and smirked and tucked the camera away.

I returned to my seat at the dressing table next to the outfit I’d picked out for our “date”. It wasn’t even a date, not really. Just pizza and the cinema, what we usually did on our nights out as friends anyway.
But it was different. In so many ways. By going on a date with him I’d be showing him that I was interested. What if he decided he didn’t like me and went on to someone else tomorrow? What if I mucked up and said something that he found really offensive? What if I got a stain on my teeth and never noticed?

I gulped.

“Phil. Shut up in there.” Anne giggled and I took a breath.

What did I do to deserve someone as purely brilliant as her?

My date with Ryan had gone without a hitch. Apart from the fact that there weren’t any more. But I was “cool” with that in front of my friends and family and cried myself to sleep for a while in private. Anne knew I was much more upset than I would let on but didn’t say a word. I learnt in that time that things left unsaid can go a long way to happiness.
Prom night. I remember shopping for the dresses. I remember getting our hair done. I remember buying lovely shoes.
But I had no date. Anne did, of course she did. She was Prom Queen as well. But only because she was so beautiful. So beautiful. I tear slide down my cheek as I picked up the photo frame holding our memories and held it to my chest. I looked up to my surroundings and was thankful for the fact that Weeping Willows shield their trunks. Why was I here? Because I didn’t want to look weak in front of anyone. Not even him.
The music was thudding as we got out of our car and made our way to where the photographer – I say that it was our Head of Year – was taking photos for the yearbook. James held onto Anne’s hand as they posed and smiled for the camera and waited for me on the other side. I sighed and swished my skirts towards the place where I needed to be. I smiled a fake smile as the camera flashed and I was photographed alone. It seemed I was the only one.
“Excuse me, you’re Phillipa right?” I turned around and saw Anne standing in her amazing prom dress, fully decked out- wearing a false moustache? I chuckled and played along.
“Why yes, yes I am. And you are?”
“Geraldo. Geraldo Right.”
“Ooh, well Mr Right, would you do me the honour of having a photograph taken?”

We posed side by side and I laughed until my sides hurt in my dress as Anne put her arm around me and grinned widely under her moustache.

That was when she taught me – It’s better to wait for Mr Right.