The Coffee Girl

It was hard to believe that Christmas break had already arrived. Luckily both Rachel and I had a month off without the stress of exams looming over us to just slack off and be the lazy people we were. Even though days at Starbuck’s were inevitable, our nights were filled with sleepovers, horror movies, ice cream and anything we had to get off of our chests.

“It’s like he wants me to kill him!” Rachel exclaimed between a spoonful of Baskin Robins and a few potato chips. The lights in my apartment were dark, aiding in the creepy feel of the Jason movie we were watching. But, with Rachel’s never-ending complaining, it was kind of hard to enjoy the two teenagers being sliced in half while fondling each other in the dark cabin.

“Who?” I asked, confused. With Rachel, conversations were usually about death and violence involving a male.

“Malcolm!” I nodded slowly, trying to keep my eyes on the screen but also trying to show her that I was interested in her rant. I had grown used to it now, her bitching and moaning about our boss, but somehow he seemed to bother her more than me. Maybe all of the craziness going on in my life was enough to drown out Malcolm’s. “He’s such an annoying piece of shit!”

I snorted with laughter just as there was a knock on my door. I looked at her for a second and we stared at each other then at the screen. Knocks on the doors were never a good sign when two girls were watching a movie in the dead of night. I chuckled nervously and stood up, dusting off any crumbs on my pyjamas. I walked to the door and opened it to find Patrick leaning on the doorframe with a smile.

I let out a sigh. “You scared the crap out of me.” He chuckled softly as I moved out of the way to let him into the apartment. He and Rachel exchanged their hello’s before he turned to me. “What’s up?” He must have a good reason for showing up at my apartment.

“I came to invite you to a party,” he said.

I furrowed my brown. “Now?! I’m not ready to go to a party.”

He chuckled. “No, it’s in a week. A Christmas party.” He put his hands in his pockets and looked down at his feet for a moment. “I know it’s kind of early and I could have probably told you over the phone but...” he took a step towards me and placed his hand on my elbow. “I wanted to see you.” I smiled timidly and tried my best to ignore the wide-eyed look Rachel was throwing me. I still hadn’t told her about this sick, twisted relationship between Jonathan, Patrick and I. Knowing her, though, I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep it to myself for long.

“Uh—sure,” I said then followed him out of my apartment to the desolate hallway. I could hear Rachel whispering after me, saying that I never tell her anything juicy. As soon as Patrick and I were in the hallway and I had closed the door behind us, I leaned back against the wall and crossed my arms over my chest. I had to admit, I felt slightly awkward standing there in my pyjamas. Vulnerable almost, with the way that smile played on his lips. “So...a Christmas party...”

“Yeah,” he smiled. “There’s probably going to be a New Years one too.” I nodded and licked my lips.

“Well, thanks for coming all the way here to tell me.”

He chuckled and dropped his head for a moment. Once he looked back up he took a step towards me. My heart began to beat erratically, but I wasn’t sure what I was feeling exactly. Slowly, his arm snaked its way around my waist, pulling me closer towards him. Almost instantly his lips connected with mine. It was nice, to say the least. Patrick was a sweet, funny, good-looking guy. Why wouldn’t it be nice. His lips parted, moving mine along with them and that hockey player smell enveloped me. If he was such a nice, funny, awesome guy, why was it that this just didn’t feel the way I always thought a kiss should feel? Was it me? Was I broken in some way?

Cautiously, I placed my hands on his chest and pushed him away; our lips softly smacking once we parted. “Patrick...” I whispered.

“What’s wrong?” His eyes bore into me, searching my face for some sort of explanation. To be honest, I wasn’t sure myself why I stopped him.

I ran my tongue over my teeth as I pondered a question that had been bouncing back and forth in my mind since the first kiss after the game. He waited; his arm still around my waist and his body heat mingling with mine on this cold night.

“Why do you like me?” I asked. He stood still for a moment, his eyes still flittering across my face. “Why did you kiss me?”

“Well,” he began, “because you’re a cool girl. And you’ve dealt with me when I was at my most crazy. You’re exactly what I need.”

“Right,” I sighed and pushed him away farther so that his arm detached from my waist. His expression was dumbstruck as I moved away from him and resumed my previous stance with my arms over my chest. The universal sign for ‘I’m uncomfortable’. For ‘this is all wrong’. For ‘I shouldn’t have given into him so easily and let this happen’.

“What?” he begged, his arms falling to his sides hopelessly. “What’s wrong?”

“Don’t you get it, Pat?” I asked—surprisingly—with a laugh. “You don’t like me.”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Not in the way you want to.” He stared at me for a moment as that one sentenced registered in his mind. Did he get it now? I sighed and took a step towards him. “I was the first girl you got closed to after your girlfriend. When you were broken and vulnerable. It’s no surprise that you just pushed your feelings on to me, thinking that because I helped you and dealt with you I was the kind of person you should be with.” I ran a hand through my hair as it all began to click for him. “You settled. Which is exactly what I did with you. You showed me the attention every girl wanted and I thought that I should just take it because it might never happen again.”

Patrick let out a deep sigh and fell against the wall. I leaned next to him; both of us basking in our completely obliviousness to love. “You’re right,” he finally said. We’re friends. Really good friends for being able to figure this out together, now, and not 10 years down the road.”

I chuckled softly. A sick desperation lingering in my tone.

So, there I was. Back to square one with both Jonathan and Patrick.