The Coffee Girl

It was as though the tables had turned. A week ago, Rachel was the one dreading getting ready for a party and now, as I sat watching her hum a John Mayer song while fixing her hair, I couldn’t help but feel miserable. After the Christmas party then the ‘incident’ at Starbuck’s, I wasn’t looking forward to facing anyone at the New Year’s party – facing Jonathan.

“Can you hurry up?” I demanded in a sullen tone. Rachel finished applying her make-up and turned to me with a frown, as though I was going to be the blemish that would ruin her evening with Sharpie. She didn’t know about the Jonathan thing, and I wasn’t willing to tell her. It would only gain sympathetic sighs and supportive comments from her for the rest of the night. Nor would I tell Patrick. Nobody needed to know about what was going on. Sometimes, I wished I didn’t even know – didn’t have to go through the routine of waking up every morning and pretending that it didn’t hurt to have Jonathan say I wasn’t good enough to be with him.

Rachel ruffled her hair. “I’m almost done.”

With a grunt, I stood up from the couch; not bothering to smooth out any wrinkles in my dress or even check myself to make sure every strand of hair was in order. Tonight, I didn’t want to stand out and catch anyone’s attention. I wanted to be invisible. I wanted to blend in with the wallpaper at whatever fancy hotel the Blackhawks were holding this party.

☼☼☼☼☼☼

“I really don’t want to do this,” I mumbled as Rachel and I walked into the lobby of the hotel. The complaint was meant to assure myself that this was a bad idea, but even amongst the loud voices talking and music blaring, Rachel had heard.

“What’s up with you tonight?” she asked. She tried to hide it, but I could tell that her darting eyes were searching for Sharpie somewhere in the crowd. “Last week you were dragging me out of the apartment and now...now you don’t even want to leave your room.”

I sighed and folded my arms over my chest. “It’s nothing.” Avoid eye contact: the key in keeping Rachel in the dark about everything.

She let out a grunt, obviously frustrated with my stubbornness. “It’s New Year’s Eve. How could you be so miserable?” I shrugged. “You know, they say the way you spend New Year’s Eve is the way you’ll spend the rest of the New Year.” Great. I’d be a miserable wreck for the next twelve months. I wasn’t sure if her little speech was supposed to brighten my spirits, but it definitely didn’t work. “Which means you’ll be spending it in this perpetual state of self-loathing because of something I don’t even know about.”

I let my eyes meet hers. The worried friend only trying to do her part.

She placed her hand on my shoulder. “I know you don’t really like sharing everything that’s bothering you, Calli, but know that I’m your best friend for a reason. You can tell me anything and I won’t judge.” Damn her and her way with words! I sighed and moved over to a quiet spot in the lobby. She was right, Rachel was my best friend and I couldn’t keep anything from her. It would only cause me more stress than I needed. She was my confidant; the one person I could tell everything to. Once I stopped, what would happen to me?

I looked around, hoping no one was close enough to hear the conversation that was about to take place. She waited, anxiously. I finally fixed my eyes on her face in determination. “It’s about Jonathan...”

It took me twenty minutes to run over everything that had occurred from September until now. However, the last few minutes – the ones consisting of the kiss, the argument, and the confrontation at Starbuck’s – were the hardest to get through. Rachel stared at me with wide eyes and an open mouth. Watching her expression to what had been bothering me for the past week made it all even more real. Now, I wasn’t the only one who knew about this; it was no longer a secret.

“Cal...” she whispered, “I’m so sorry.” In a second her arms were around me in a hug. “I – I didn’t know,” she said into the crook of my neck.

I pulled away slowly. “I think there’s just something wrong with me.” Rachel frowned. “Why else would I fall for the guy that’s been treating me horribly from our first meeting?” Because he was sweet when he wanted to be, and caring when given the opportunity, and an overall amazing person who’s complexity made him...him. “I should have just run when I found Patrick drunk.”

“But you didn’t,” she said, “because you’re a good person. And you didn’t run from Jonathan because you actually care about him, despite how he might make you feel sometimes.” Wow, I should have come to Dr. Rachel a lot sooner about all of this.

“So what do I do?” I asked.

“Nothing. There isn’t anything you can do right now except wait and find out.”

I furrowed my brow. “Wait for Jonathan to make up his mind?” She nodded. “I’ll be waiting for a while.”

☼☼☼☼☼☼

The music wasn’t as loud as I had hoped it would be. I assumed it would be enough to drown out whatever annoying, repetitive thoughts decided to pop up in my head at the worst possible time. Unluckily for me, this party was a little more reserved, meaning no blaring music and no way to drink a lot without making a complete idiot of myself. Rachel had already found Sharpie and the two were talking by the bar, laughing about something. I was alone with a Champaign glass in my hand; my only friend at this particular moment.

And then I saw him. He walked in with his hands in the pockets of his black suit pants. His stance casual and his smile almost placid. If I hadn’t gotten to know Jonathan that well over the last couple of months, then I wouldn’t have noticed the small falter in the grin he gave to other team members. I could feel my heart beat faster now that he was in the room – in clear view. His eyes slowly drifted up to me and I quickly looked away.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were avoiding me.” I turned to see Patrick standing next to me with that youthful grin on his face. I couldn’t help but smile at his sparkling eyes. He always had that effect on me.

“Not just you,” I replied, “everyone. Parties just aren’t my thing. Especially when my best friend and wing-woman is off in a corner with Sharpie.” Patrick laughed and put his arm over my shoulders comfortingly.

“I’m not one for parties either, but they can be pretty decent if you have the right company.” I tilted my head up to look at him and he flashed another smile. How was it that everyone in my life was wiser than I was? “You wanna dance?” I bit my lip. Patrick had done nothing but be there for me from the beginning, and here I was pining away for Jonathan who – at some times – didn’t even seem to care about me. Every sign showed me that Patrick was the one – a better fit – and I refused to follow them.

I nodded. “Sure. I was getting kind of bored of this spot anyway.” Patrick chuckled then led me to the dance floor where he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close. I raised my arms to his neck and we swayed in tune to the rhythm of the song.

The entire time, I could feel his eyes on me. “I like you Calli,” he whispered.

I looked up, uneasily. “Yeah...” was all I could say to his declaration.

“But I’m not stupid.” I gulped, wondering if he had caught on to why I was ‘dating’ him before. Just a pathetic way to make myself feel wanted. “I know there’s someone else.” I felt my chest relax, but not really. He understood what the situation was, but the situation hadn’t exactly mended itself. He licked his lips, looked over my head, then diverted his gaze back down at me – his arms still around my waist. “Is it Tazer?”

I licked my lips. “W – What makes you think that?” A balloon detached from the ceiling, falling a few inches next to us. The room may have been decorated, but it didn’t feel like New Years.

Patrick shrugged. “He’s one of my best friends. I can read him a lot easier than he thinks.” I laughed airily. “And you...you’ve liked him from the beginning.” It sounded like more of a question, as though he was asking me to confirm his suspicions.

I nodded, guilt enveloping me. “I tried not to. I mean – it was crazy to even think that he and I could stand each other long enough to be something more, but...”

“But you fell for him,” Patrick said and I felt my heart strings being pulled on by the weight of the man that had been there for me and the man that had somehow captured my heart with his craziness. I looked down, not wanting to face him. “Calli, it’s okay. Seriously. I see the way you two are around each other. The way he looks at you. As much as I like you, Tazer is ten times more head over heels.”

I snorted, but couldn’t help realizing the small flip my stomach did once he said that. “Yeah right.”

Patrick laughed, as though understanding what I had been going through. “The guy is pretty intense,” he began, looking to his side at Jonathan who stood talking to one of the Hawk’s executives. He turned back to me. “But he may surprise you.”

I smiled up at him. He was trying to make me feel better, I had to give him that much. “Thanks, Pat.” He nodded as a way of saying ‘no problem’. I stopped moving to the beat of the music and he stopped along with me. Standing on my toes, I reached my face up to his and placed a soft kiss on his cheek. A kiss goodbye. Goodbye to everything we once were or what I forced us to be. Patrick was my friend; nothing more, nothing less. That’s just the way I wanted. The way I needed it. “I’m gonna go to the washroom,” I said once I pulled away. He stared at me for a moment, studying my face with that same smile on his lips.

“Okay,” he whispered, unwrapping his arms from my waist, “but be back soon. It’s almost mid night.” I nodded and gave him a hug before walking off of the dance floor and to the lobby. I took a moment in the washroom to stare at myself in the mirror. Who would have thought that Patrick would be the one making me feel better tonight? Patrick: the guy I’d found drunk all those months ago. As much as I hated to admit it, things were changing all around me.

I finally walked out of the bathroom with ten more minutes left until midnight. It wasn’t what I had wanted, but spending the rest of my year like this – surrounded by friends who cared about me – was good enough. Maybe even better. I strode through the empty lobby, hoping I could find Patrick or Rachel to at least stand with when the clock struck twelve and confetti was dropped. Everyone was already on the dance floor, leaving only the soft patter of my feet on the carpet.

“Calli,” I stopped dead in my tracks as soon as I heard the deep voice behind me. Slowly, I turned around to face him. His eyes looked even darker than I remembered, almost bottomless – something you could get lost in. His cheeks were flushed, tinged with pink on the prominent cheekbones. My breath seemed to catch in the back of my throat as I took in all of him.

I clenched my teeth. “What do you want?”

Jonathan took a step forward; his face sullen. “I just want to talk to you.” I stood motionless, waiting. “Wow, I didn’t actually think you’d listen. And now I don’t know what to say.”

I folded my arms over my chest. “Maybe you should have thought of that before you stopped me. It’s almost twelve.” I pointed to the clock overhead. “And time to decide what the rest of my year is going to be like. So far it doesn’t look good.” When had I turned into such an ice queen? Oh yeah – when I met Jonathan Toews.

He shoved his hands in his pockets. “So, are you and Kaner back together?” His tone was almost demanding, making me roll my eyes and scoff.

“That’s what you wanted to know?” I asked. Jonathan didn’t say anything, only continued looking at me with those chocolate eyes. It was as though I could feel him staring into me. “Why do you care anyway? Patrick’s fine being seen with me in public and you –”

“I was just doing what I had to,” he interjected. I froze. “For my team. For me.”

“And what about me, Jonathan?” I said, my voice increasing as tears began building in my eyes. “I can’t just stand around while you jump back and forth between liking me and hating me. Wanting to be with me then wanting nothing to do with me in public.”

5...

The speakers blared with the rapidly decreasing count to the New Year. I looked over my shoulder at the anticipating crowed as they waited. From here I could see Patrick looking for me, standing next to Rachel and Sharpie who were hand in hand by the bar.

“Look,” I said, turning back to Jonathan, “I have to go.” I spun around and began walking to the dance floor.

4...

“Calli, wait!” Jonathan’s voice followed me as I continued walking, almost past the threshold separating dining area and lobby.

3...

I cocked my head over my shoulder to look at him. “I’m sorry, Jonathan.” In a way, this felt like another goodbye. A goodbye that I wasn’t quite ready to deal with. I turned my head away so he wouldn’t notice my brow crinkle and tears fall from my eyes.

2...

Everyone around me was eagerly anticipating the final chime of the clock to hit midnight. This was what they were all looking forward to, after all. The beginning of an end. An old year full of pain, happiness, tears, and laughs transitioning to something unexpected. What waited in the New Year was a mystery; a mystery I was ready to discover. I pushed forward until I reached the center of the floor. I was ready to put everything from this year behind me and just...forget.

1!

I felt a hand on my wrist, spinning me around just as the clock struck twelve and everyone cheered with excitement. Without missing a beat, Jonathan wrapped his hand around the back of my neck and pulled me towards him; our lips meeting just as the confetti were released from above us. I could hear the guests cheering, not only for the New Year, but for Jonathan and I; the two star-crossed lovers standing in the center of the dance floor, locked in a warm, passionate kiss. This was what I had been waiting for. At this moment, as Jonathan pushed back any inhibitions and doubts about what others would think, I felt wanted.

He wanted me.