Torn Fragility

'...And my mistake is much too late
But your mistake was trusting
That out of grief, a goodness comes
And love comes out of lusting'

~Yoko Kanno~ Ghost in the Shell



“Max…” I whispered clutching the tiny car to my chest as I began to walk. “It seems you’re the key huh?”

I tucked the toy into my available pocket as I turned off into a dirt path that led into the public sports park. How will he find me? Or how will I find him? Will we meet in my dreams again or face to face on some obscure date?

Or will we never meet again and this game will crumble into useless slides of action?

Someone stepped out onto the path in front of me. “Or maybe…” I looked up. “We’ll meet now.”

“Rose,” Max said smiling. He looked so normal…and healthy. Gone was the ashen powdering to his skin, the rings underneath his eyes, and the trembling of his legs as he struggled to stand up straight. But the scar that ravished his beautiful face could never be erased, although it was less prominent now.
“Why did you come looking for me?” I asked, my question wavering in the air like a wisp of smoke.

“I’ve always been looking for you…” he whispered, scarcely loud enough for me to hear. He looked like a normal boy, dressed in a pair of jeans and a plain white T-shirt. But the ‘otherness’ emanated from him like a thick fog, shrouding him in mystery. “I think it’s time…we had a proper discussion.”

“I’ve been warned that we weren’t supposed to meet again,” I told him nonchalantly, though I longed to fling my arms around his now sun tanned neck and cry into his shoulder. The emotion frightened me and I took a step back while he took one forwards.

“So have I.” His voice was strong and well rounded, not the hesitant scratching I had first heard. He stepped closer to me and I noticed how tall he was and how his dark eyes seemed to penetrate through my feeble defences. I was about to step away when he suddenly held out his hand, the palm upwards, clearing expecting me to give him something. At first I was stunned. What could he possibly want from me? But as it slowly dawned on me, the little toy car seemed to burn against where it lay, close to my skin.

I fished it out and dropped it gently into his open hand. His expression lightened as he held it closer for inspection.

His mouth quirked upwards in a slight smile before he spoke again, “The first time I…met you I already knew you. For years I had seen glimpses of you in my dreams and once, when I was only a child, I finally had the chance to speak to you and after knowing each other for only a few minutes you had already made a promise to protect me.”

“Will you keep the nightmares away? There’s another lady in my other dreams and she’s not nice at all.”
“I’ll keep her away. You come tell me if she’s bothering you okay?”

I wanted to start crying. You talk about it as if it had happened years ago, but to me, it was only less than an hour ago.

“And then, before my parents died, you appeared again, though your presence was as fragile as a ghost’s. Hannah pretended that I had made you up, yet I clearly remember her telling you something before you disappeared. And then…” Max’s expression darkened. “When we finally met in person I was at my worst. Your arrival had shocked me and I hurt and frightened the one person I had always trusted and followed in my dreams.”

Why was he telling me this? Did he not hold me in contempt for not having been able to save him? For that picture Hannah had forged but which he thought was my doing? “But the picture…” I stuttered.

“Hannah told me what she had done and as soon I realised my mistake I began looking for you.” He gave an embittered laugh. “She tried to stop me but here I finally am.” I looked down at my feet, at the slow progress of a burdened ant making its way over my bare toes and I wondered what drove it, what gave its life meaning.

“Talia’s mark is on you,” he said suddenly and my head snapped up. “She’s serious about this then.”

I was as if someone had cleaned the dirty sheet of glass that was my mind and as it was still busy drying, rivulets of brown water running down its surface, I finally caught a glimpse of the horrifying view in front of me. “Taking over someone’s life is a very serious affair.”
My usual low blood pressure dropped even lower and I sat down heavily on the ground as my vision swam and blurred. I felt the blood drain from my head and I shivered, suddenly cold.

Arms supported me and distantly I heard someone call my name but nothing mattered except the horrible feeling all over my body.

Talia knelt down in front of me, wearing a gauzy affair. She pouted childishly. “Guess the game’s up.” I breathed heavily as I watched her, too worn out to respond or even to think about it for more than a few moments. “And now the fun begins,” she told me, smearing something wet and warm onto my cheeks.

As her grinning face faded and slowly faded Max’s imploring voice became stronger and stronger the chill seeped from my limbs. I opened my eyes up properly, only to look up into his concerned dark eyes. I bolted upright only to have my vision dance again. I had been carried to a shady spot beneath a tree and had been lying with my head on his lap. As my breathing slowed down I smiled wanly at him.

“Sorry…for, passing…out on you like that.”

Max tried to help me sit up but I gently pushed his hands away and edging a bit further away from him I crossed my legs and tried to regain total control of my senses.

Max leaned back against the tree trunk and regarded me out of impassive eyes. “You went sheet white and it looked as if your soul had fled. So…I guess you finally figured it out.”

I chuckled “A bit late now, don’t you think?”

“It’s never too late. You’ve scarcely begun to fight back.”

“And how should I go about doing that, pray tell?” I muttered mockingly. “What do my concerns have to do with you anyway? Why were you following me when you had enough to worry about? Isn’t she after you as well?”

“I was the bait, though very weak bait; you never liked me though that is no surprise seeing as how I treated you. And now I’ve found you only to ask you another favour after you’ve healed me.”

I tilted my head back, looking at the leaves quivering in the wind above me. “Healed you? Are you mocking me? It’s as clear as daylight what’s still lurking behind those haunted eyes of yours.”

“You have no idea what you saved me from…”

In a burst of insight that surprised us both I said, “Although you’ve locked him up tightly he’s still a part of you and if you learn to trust him, heal him, then he’ll become a powerful ally.”

Out of the corner of my eye I saw him look down at his trembling fists on his lap and I wanted to brush his dark locks from his forehead and force him to look into my eyes. But I held back, unsure and afraid of what his reaction might be.

“I’ve tried...But he's…That’s why…That’s why I’m asking you to do it for me!” he half shouted, his eyes still downcast.

I thought back to my promise to a young boy, looking at me as if I was his knight in shining armour while I took his hand and told him truthfully that I would protect him. The first person who ever depended on me and here I was, considering his request. I smiled grimly. I’ve become heartless.

Before I knew what I was doing, I had leaned over towards Max, my face a hands breadth from his, his startled eyes widening as I turned the full force of mine on him.

He blushed and tried to edge away only to bump his head against the tree trunk behind him. “What…Now?” he asked shakily as I leaned in even closer.

The memory of Talia’s triumphant and grinning face swam to the surface of my thoughts. I will not let her win and destroy us.

“Now,” I said forcefully before plunging into his mind.