Revolution

“Grace.” His voice was soft and meek, something rather unusual for him. “Please, don’t do this.”

The apartment was dark, the only light seeping through the opening in the curtain, the bright beam cutting the room in two. The tiled floor under their feet was littered with clothing and garbage, belongings that neither one planned on cleaning up.

John’s eyes shot daggers at her, the blueness glowing in the darkness. His short hair stood up on both sides of his head, his eyes were heavy with bags, both immediate signs of his lack of sleep. The door frame was being used as his support, both his hands on opposite sides of it, holding his weight.

She stood in the corner opposing him, her back leaning against the white counter top, the mug of bitter coffee warmed her hands as she stared at the doorway behind him, avoiding his gaze. She could not look at him; the hurt covering his face would only make her feel worse about the entire situation.

She made it her mission to not wake him yet somehow he had. She tiptoed back and forth from the bedroom to the kitchen, silently grabbing her belongings and stuffing them into her oversized suitcase. Somehow, John woke up while she was brewing the pot of coffee. He called out to her, curious as to why she was awake at such an early hour. She stood frozen, his voice echoing through the dark space and down her spine.

“Grace.” He continued. ”I’ll change, I promise.”

Last night had not ended the way either one wanted it to. After a thousand promises that he would come home and keep her company, John stayed out with the guys, swearing to Grace that it was just an intense band practice. She wasn’t happy and eventually a fight broke out, ending with Grace slamming the bedroom door in John’s face, screaming she was done with this whole thing. John was left in the living room, forced to make a bed from the available blankets on the sofa. He fell asleep immediately, while it did not come so quickly for her.

Grace’s mind just kept spiraling through the fight, through all the cruel words the two exchanged, and through the tears. This was not the first time the two fought this battle, it became a routine the two grew annoyingly use to. John began getting less and less sympathetic with Grace being upset and towards these fights. Grace was even more hurt by the battles, they began to wear down her kindness and caused all the things she loved about John to turn negative.

She was awake all night, a good portion of which she spent tossing in their bed. Her tears stained the pillows, the feeling of hurt sinking in. She wished John had not given up as easily as he did. John did as little as he could to get her back last night, as soon as that door was closed, he gave up. She spent all those hours in the empty silence, wanting him to come back in the room and wisp her up in his arms, promising her that this was all some cruel nightmare. If only he had. She watched the clock above the door, the second hand climb around the face alone. After everything, she realize that this wasn’t working. That the life she had in this apartment, in Phoenix, Arizona, was not working.

“Look, I know I’ve been a jerk but I’ll change, I promise.” He continued to her.

She tried not to listen to the endless promises he was spitting out. She knew him too well to believe any of it. John was a good guy, he always treated Grace with kindness and affection, but he acted different since he came from the last tour. He changed so much, becoming something she did not know anymore. John stopped communicating with her, the few words he did share were empty and vague, he put little emotion or feeling into them. She could deal with all the touring, it became easy after so many times she had been through it. This John however, it was something she couldn’t handle. He completely changed on her, making her feel unloved and neglected.

“Just please stay Gracie.” He thought he was getting through to her. The way she stood there, her head cocked to the side so her ear was towards him, he thought she was listening to him beg. John assumed his girlfriend would fold soon, her eyes filling with tears as she reached for him and began apologizing for her rashness. If only she had been listening. She really couldn’t though, it would just lead her to do exactly what he was begging for. Grace wanted to stay with him, she wanted to believe the promises he was dishing out but she knew nothing in this relationship was working. The promises were just words, he only used them to get her attention. She knew this too well because he did it before, making promises that he had no intention of even trying to keep.

His face sank a little as she shrugged, a gesture that she didn’t mean to make. “Look, Gracie, I know I haven’t been the greatest but please just stay and let us work this out. I’ll get better, I swear.”

She could feel herself falling for it. The way his words rolled off his tongue, the way his eyes pierced into her, she loves his intensity when they talked. That was something that old John did, he listened and talked with her and really cared about everything she had to say. This John though, he was just using these words to get her back, not to actually change his ways.

“Why do you keep making these promises?” She snapped, the venom of her voice obvious.

John’s small smirk now completely gone. “What do you mean?”

“This is you John, this is all you’ve been for the last two months. You say one thing to me and then it’s like you never said it.” She didn’t want to speak but she knew he deserved to at least know why she was leaving. “You make me promises and then you don’t keep them. You don’t talk to me about anything. I feel like we’ve just stopped being a functioning couple.”

“Look Gracie, I know. I’ve just been under—”

“Bullshit John!” Her lips quivered, her eyes filled with tears. “Nothing you do is hard. You’re not on the road, you’re not recording, you’re not even writing. All you do is hang around with friends. There is no stress.”

She was afraid of this. It was turning into exactly what happened last night. Another unbearable argument where she would just get mad and stomp off into the bedroom. That wasn’t where she wanted to be, staying here another day seemed impossible. Listening to John whine about how much she couldn’t do this seemed like a new form of torture. She couldn’t take it. Being in this small apartment with him was getting harder and harder.

“I know. I know, okay?!” He was getting frustrated, his voice losing that pitiful, soft tone and picking up a few decibels. “I know I’m not perfect and I know I can’t make you happy all the time but you’re really just going to give up on us after 3 years?”

“John, don’t start—”

“No, Grace. You can’t fucking do this. I won’t let you. This is my life too and you are in it, okay? And you are important and I don’t know how to live here without you. You can’t just do this. You can’t. I need you here with me.” He pleaded, gaining her full attention.

The light was just starting to appear from behind the horizon, the dark sky quickly changing from black to blue to pink. The world was starting to come alive again. The neighbor’s dog barked, headlights from morning commuters were now starting to become more frequent. Yet, it was still so early for the two, it was rare that either would one would wake up before the midday’s sun was heating the desert city.

“You’ll be fine.” She scoffed, brushing off his comment like a fly on her shoulder.

“No.” He mumbled, establishing real eye contact for the first time since he woke up. “I won’t. I need you here with me.”

He would be fine, she knew that for a fact. He acted like it was going to kill him, like being without her would end his world, but it wouldn’t. That was just not John. He would be sad for a few days. He’d mop around, telling anyone he talked to that his heart was broken and he couldn’t function without her. After the few days however, he would grow bored of being lonely and heartbroken and he would go out with the guys, picking up his life. That was just how he was, even after spending 3 years with Grace. He wouldn’t dwell on the negativity, he would just move onwards, focusing all his energy on something new.

He took a step towards her, breaking her comfort. He wasn’t suppose move. His bare feet were never suppose to leave the spot in the door frame. He kept moving towards her, that small smirk coming back. “Grace.” He spoke, a only a few inches away from her now. “Would you listen to how ridiculous you’re being? Leaving isn’t the solution because we still love each and you’ll just come back in a week and we’ll be right back here. Okay? Leaving won’t fix this.”

“Stop belittling it.” The venom was still there, her words still trying to get John to stop smiling and tell him to give up. “I’m going to leave John and you might as well just learn to accept that.”

“I’m not going to accept anything. I love you Gracie. I love you so much and you wouldn’t leave me like this because I know how much you love me.” Another step forward, his hands on either side of her, his fingers wrapped over the white tile. “Say it. Say you love me.”

“It won’t matter John. Love won’t fix how miserable I am with you.” She was trembling inside, her heart just wanted his hands to touch her, to comfort her in all the ways he knew how. “I love you more than anything but it’s not going to change this awful relationship.”

“So leaving’s the solution?”

She nodded, watching him.

“You’re not even going to try and fix this?”

A small frown grew on her, seeing him upset wasn’t helping her leave. If anything it was keeping her close to him, it was helping his cause. “There’s nothing to fix anymore because this is over John.”

He retracted his arms, taking a step backwards. “What about our lives? And our friends? What am I suppose to tell them? And the guys? They all love you too. Am I just suppose to tell you left?”

She thought of Garrett. John walking up him and trying to explain why she left. He’d get upset, he’d actually have a reaction that she’d wanted John to have. He’d blame John, telling him that he fucked up a perfect relationship. Garrett became one of her closest friends to her, his advice always helped, his jokes always made her laugh. “John, I’m not breaking up with them. I’m breaking up with you.” She thought of Jared trying to help John understand that this was for the best. He and John were so close and he’d help John the most through the first few days after she left. “They know I love them and I need to do this.” She thought of Kennedy and Pat, the frowns on their faces, disappointed at her for leaving. But every guy would understand why. They’d all get it.

“But they’ll be upset.”

“Everyone will John, that’s how break ups work.” The mug of coffee was now cold, its contains losing its appeal to Grace. She set the mug on the counter top behind her. “I know you think I’m being irrational John, but you’ll understand in a few days that this is right for us. You’ll be free of commitment and can live how you want. Okay?”

“I don’t want to be free of commitment, Grace. I want you forever.”

It was obvious he’d never get it with her here. It was time to leave and she knew it. It wasn’t going to be easy with her own heart screaming and John’s begging, it would be near impossible. She had to though, it was for the best both of them. She was miserable and so was John. He just didn’t want to realize it.

She took the first step towards the doors, eyeing her bags stack beside it. John followed her, his hand reaching out and touching her shoulder. “Please Grace. Dammit. Just think about this!”

She shrugged his hand off, keeping her attention on the bags waiting for her. “I’ve thought about this.”

The door felt like miles away. Each small step she took got a reaction from John. His hands still reaching for her and his fingers touching her gently. He continued to plead, he seemed to really think he would get to her. His words were still so sweet, everything she wanted to hear over the past few months were all concentrated in that moment. Every “I love you” and “You’re amazing”. She wished that he hadn’t used them. Grace knew they were just being used to get her back and not to communicate anything to her.

Only two more steps in front of her and she stopped, the feeling of John’s hand on her shoulder again. The tears welling up again. She wouldn’t allow them to fall, it would just give John an excuse to touch her more. “Do you love me John?”

“Of course.”

Her back was still to him, her head dropping a little as she tried to process everything. It felt like nothing was right at that moment. Every solution was either no good or too hard. Staying meant more miserable hours of dealing with the new him and leaving would mean sitting with this sinking feeling.

She turned to him. Her eyes staring at him just as intensely as his were to her. “Then listen to me John, I need this. I’m not happy anymore and as much as I love you I need to do what makes me happy.”

“But Grace—”

“No, John.” She reached up to him, cupping his jaw in her hand. His day old stubble scratched her fingers. “No more ok? I know it doesn’t seem right at this second but you will get it later. We aren’t happy and this isn’t right anymore. Love can’t keep us together forever especially when both of us aren’t happy anymore.”

He watched her and she saw it. His heart breaking. Damn it, it hurt her. John was a great guy, he was someone who made her happy for a long time. When they first met he went out of his way to make her feel adored and special. He always invited to everything he did whether it was visiting his family or band practice. He would spent entire nights on the phone with her, letting her complain about her life, her friends, and her family. When John finally got the courage to really ask her out he was beyond amazing. He’d take her to the most obscure places, telling her to order anything she wanted. He’d hold her hand and promise to make her happy forever.

The more serious they got, the more serious the band got. He started touring, leaving her for long chunks of time. It made her miss him more than ever, made her crave his presence and voice, being without John could get so unbearable. When he’d come back though, it would always go right back to the day they met. They’d act like children again, running around the town together going to all their favorite places, being that sickening couple that sits in the corner with their hands linked.

People told them they were perfect for each other. They gave hope to John’s friends who went through tough relationships. Friends went to them for the relationship advice, explaining that John and Grace were the experts on making it through anything. Even their parents thought they’d get married someday and bring some grandchildren to the mix.

If only it had stayed like that. If only John hadn’t changed. It only Grace hadn’t grown miserable with his changes. If only they learned to communicate better. John didn’t talk, Grace didn’t listen. John wanted to do more with the band as it grew, Grace missed one-on-one time with him. It just fell apart and neither one really knew how to keep it together. Maybe it was inexperience, maybe it was just dumb love. Who knows.

She watched him, he watched her, both full of hurt and remorse, both wanting this but knowing it wasn’t right anymore. John’s smile gone, Grace’s eyes filled with tears, none of them falling. He leaned down first, his lips touching hers. It wasn’t really a kiss, it was more just close contact, the last bit John knew he’d have with her. But she let it, her lips pushing against his.

It wasn’t long, just few quick seconds, but to them it was centuries. It was a goodbye that was impossible for anyone to understand, they didn’t even get it. She pulled away from him, her hand was still cupping his cheek.

She stepped backwards from him, her hand dropping for him. Leaving was all that was left. The last step of the plan she devised this morning. One that didn’t including seeing John. She was glad she did though. She was glad she told him why and didn’t just leave him to wake up alone. That would have been bad.

Her hand now cupped the door knob, the brass cold in her hand. Her bags were wrapped around her, all those important things in them. Everything else she just left to John, he’d need them more than her. She was going home, back to Tucson, back to her sister’s house where her bedroom was set up. John would probably stay here or go to a friend’s house until the pain went away.

Grace pulled the door open. One step left, through the threshold and out into the heat of Arizona. Everyone would know now, it was official the minute she left. She turned her head, sending John a small smile, watching him stand in the same spot he was in when she told him to stop. The hurt still covered his face.

It was becoming another gorgeous day in Arizona. At only 6 in the morning, it was already 77 degrees outside. The temperature was far from cool. She walked down the steps, holding her tears in as she approached the car. Every second still felt like hours, thinking of John’s hurt face, thinking of the guys hearing about it. It all was too much to think about, all the pain and hurt, all caused by her.

This wasn’t easy for her. John probably thought it was. No, it was the most difficult thing for her. She loved John beyond his own understanding. Had they of not fought last night, she was pretty sure she’d still be up in that apartment, laying beside John, holding him close. So it wasn’t much surprise when she got in her car and the tears came. Her body unable to keep it in her anymore.

Her fingers curled around the wheel, her knuckles white. Tears poured from her eyes but for the first time, she was happy John didn’t come and try again. Unlike last night, she didn’t want him here to make her feel better. She felt like solitude was right and at that moment it was what she had. Even though it hurt, the feeling of being alone was better at that moment than being trapped in that dead relationship.

She wiped the last few tear trails away, reminding herself again that this was right. What she did would hurt him but help him later. John and she were a sinking ship and she was right to jump off now rather than have it hurt more later.

The sun was now visible, it’s top just above the horizon. The light spreading quickly.