Revolution

He still looked the same. His hair was still short. He was still stick thin and wore the same clothes. His skinny jeans still sat low on his hips. His eyes were still blue, his teeth were still white. A beer was still in his hand. People were still flocked around him, all of them still smiling at him. All of them listening to the crazy story he was sharing. He was still the same John.

Yet somehow, when she saw him, he was different. Something inside him wasn’t quite right. And maybe she wasn’t right at identifying it but she knew John.

Bags were prominent under his eyes. His shoulders seemed to droop. His back slouched more than normal. He seemed faded, he seemed to not care as much. Even though he was smiling, it was like the gesture was painted on so no one would know. Sure, he was still there, telling the story to the crowd but he was different.

John didn’t notice her at first, his attention occupied by the group of sitting around him. They all laughed at the story, Max’s voice chiming in a few times throughout it. Grace heard most of it and laughed quietly at the ending, knowing only John and Max would do such a thing.

The crowd at the party was small compared to what she was use to it seemed quaint. Max’s house became party central when he moved into it. She came her almost every evening back in the day. They’d come after they ate dinner, John’d grab a couple cold beers from the fridge and the two would socialize with the crowd like they had no worries of the following day.

She remembered the holidays here. They would go to John’s family first, eating dinner and talking to his parents before heading to Max’s for a smaller get-together where wine would replace the beer and decent food would be served. They’d stay half the night even after everyone left and would just end up absorbed in the other’s presence. John would hold her while she talked to him. They’d fall asleep on the couch, him holding her.

Now though, the scene was different. She stood in the corner, no drink in hand. He was in the middle of the pack still, looking miserable and tired. They weren’t together, they hadn’t been months. The pack knew, all the friends of the band and the individuals found out through word of mouth that they split 4 months ago. It was a little awkward for the few who noticed her. They’d smile and glance at John, unsure of the reaction he would have.

And she was suppose to be in Tucson with her sister. She was suppose to have made a new life for herself. New friends and guys were suppose to fill the void of this crowd. The goal was to move down there and immediately meet the perfect group of people to make up for them being in Phoenix. If only it happened like that. She moved there and it was nothing but more loneliness. It was worse than being miserable with John.

The only thing that kept her afloat was Garrett. He called her daily since the break up, being the necessary support that kept her eating and sleeping. He was also the reason she was here. Garrett talked her into a visit; one that ended up bringing her right back to a place that was so full of memories that they were impossible to block out.

“He’s been like that since you left.”

She jumped, hearing a familiar voice behind her. Someone she knew, someone who was closer to John than her.

Tim stood beside her, holding his own bottle of the beer from the fridge. “He’s a different person.”

She never thought about Tim when she left. She never thought about the rest of the crew. Max never crossed her mind. Even though they were more involved in his life. “I’m sorry.” She whispered, feeling guilty. It was all too much. Not only was John here and not only were the memories here but all the friends were here. Everyone who was affected by the break up sat around this house.

“You don’t look like you’re in much better shape.” He observed.

She wasn’t. Actually she probably felt worse than him. Finding a comfortable spot to sleep in and tasty food to eat became a challenge. Every spot on her bed in Tucson was cold and hard, there were no arms to curl into or a body to lay against. Everything she ate tasted bland and empty, even the spiciest Mexican food left her feeling gross.

She worked up a small smile, keeping her eyes on John.

“I never thought someone breaking up with him would affect him so much.” Tim still spoke, the words traveling straight to her stomach, making her feel nauseous. “I mean he’s still the same John for the fans but once they clear out he just mops around.”

They hurt. The words Tim used weren’t kind, he wasn’t saying them softly or avoiding the conversation completely like Garrett. He was stand beside her, giving up the hiding spot she had and telling him things that hurt. She knew when she left it would hurt John at first but she assumed he’d move on. But it had been 4 months now and Tim was telling her how much he hadn’t.

“Why are you saying this Tim?” She asked him, pushing the tears away.

He shrugged, his eyes now settling on John. “I just wanted you to realize you weren’t just some girl to him.”

She bit against her lip hard, trying desperately to not cry. Hearing John hurt was more painful than just her hurting. Knowing John missed her made her own longing seem pitiful. John wasn’t an emotional guy, he wasn’t the type to really hold onto something for long. Hearing all that was like punching her in the gut.

“You should talk to him.” Tim spoke again, his voice softening. “I know you both could probably use that.”

Tim left by the time she was ready to deny it. She knew talking to John was the last thing she needed. It took so much to leave him the first time, her distress now would only make her fold. John’s pleading that morning still hurt, she still heard it when she tried to relax. It was like an echo, his voice never leaving.

Garrett left her side the second they got inside. He told her she needed to talk to John and he’d be around if she needed him. It wasn’t that Garrett was being cruel and insensitive like she wanted to believe. Garrett simply hoped both of them to get some peace and his only solution was to get them together.

“Gracie?” The name came from behind her again, another familiar voice. One that was not quite as stern as Tim’s. One that didn’t hit her gut.

Kennedy came up from behind her, just like Tim. He had a similar bottle in his hand, only he didn’t look as scary. He didn’t intimidate her in the same way Tim did. She forced another small smile, whispering a timid hello before finding another location in the room to look at.

“How have you been?” Kennedy asked.

She shrugged, “Ok.” Her voice was raspy and her throat hurt. She held back the tears too much today. “You?”

“Good.” He shrugged too, sipping on the beer in his hand. “It’s nice to see you back.”

Kennedy was always nice. He was a guy who, had she not been with John, she would have definitely fallen for. He had a sweet smile, his words were always kind, and he seemed to know just what to say to make you feel better. But she met John first and her heart was his, Kennedy could never breach that. “You too.”

“Garrett said you were coming back. Have you had a nice time?”

Of course she had. Garrett took her out for lunch and they went to all her favorite stores and shops. All the places she didn’t have in Tucson. Garrett let her have the entire afternoon, telling her he got the pick for the evening. She didn’t know that included an appearance at Max’s. She would have never agreed had it been. “It’s been fun. Nice to be back.” She said to Kennedy.

“That’s good.” He was trying to make her feel more comfortable, Grace knew that.

Kennedy stood beside her, not speaking or looking at her but simply stood, staring into the same mass of people as she was, sipping on the bottle of beer in his hand.

“Has he been with anyone else?” She turned her head, watching him swallow the mouthful of beer. The tears were welled up again. They were the same tears from that morning, the ones that made the 3 hour ride to Tucson take a lot longer than that.

He stood silently still, his fingers tapping against the glass of the bottle. “Yeah.” He spoke cautiously. “But she didn’t last long when he realized she wasn’t you.”

Grace wasn’t sure if John dating would be a good thing for her. Him dating would probably help her move on and see other people too but him dating also meant he really would be done with her. And that made her sacred because she knew she may never be over him.

“She was a bitch anyways.” Kennedy mumbled, interrupting her thoughts and bringing her back to the reality. “He had no idea what he lost until he met her.”

Of course a smile rose inside of her. She chose to force it back and not respond to Kennedy’s comment.

“I don’t think any of us realized what John fucked up until she came along.” Kennedy kept sharing this and Grace didn’t know why. When she would ask Garrett these questions he’d simply tell her that it wasn’t important. Kennedy seemed to feel otherwise. “She was out with him and she refused to let him go to band practice. None of us really got that. He broke up with her a day later.”

John stood from his position in the center of the circle, nodding his head at a few of the members before attempting to climb out and over the crowd. She tuned Kennedy out at that moment, he was still rambling about the relationship he had kindled while she was in Tucson. It sent her into a slight panic, her heart beat growing faster, the butterflies coming alive. They hadn’t been active since the two met.

Those days seem to haunt her the most. Back when she was so much younger and naive. It was when John thought we would rule the world someday with his confidence. They were introduced at a party, both were still in school at that point. John was drunk and attempted to flirt with her. She ended up leaving because his stench and slurring was enough to piss her off.

It took the boy two months of kindness and sweet talking to get her to go out on a sober date with him. He ended up being perfection for her, everything he said made her fall harder for him. They were both dreamers with their eyes on the east coast and playing in the financial field there. He studied economics and she studied business. Things were so easy when they were on-campus then, they ate together, they studied together, they socialized together.

He moved closer to her, sending her heart to her stomach and making her fingers jitter from the nerves. John was here and he wasn’t going to get any further away, she was realizing that right now.

It felt like that morning. His footsteps became the only thing she noticed. The memories of his voice filling itself into the cracks. It was something that really stuck with her. That morning when he said those things when he confessed things to him that she had wanted to hear so badly. They really stuck with her. They like to play on repeat before she feel asleep or when she needed to focus.

“Grace?” Kennedy was talking again, saying something she hadn’t heard. Her mind was too caught up in John. Everything John was rushing back to her. His smell, his taste, his everything suddenly hit her, making her eyes tear up more.

John’s eyes finally met her’s and the party froze. Everything and everyone became smeared into the walls of Max’s house. It was like nothing mattered again, like being John’s again would cure everything wrong in the world.

She saw him say her name. He wasn’t far now, maybe a couple feet, maybe a couple inches. Her judge of distance was tainted now by him. The smell of him flooded her nostrils, she could taste him on her lips, she felt his hand on her skin. But he wasn’t there yet, they were all the feelings that rushed back being so close to him.

A small smile spread across his lips afterwards, causing her knees to feel weak and her heart to skip. It was the John she knew, the John she missed. The one who she met so long ago at that party.

“Hi.” He spoke quietly, filling the gap between them.

She didn’t want to kiss him, or touch him, or sleep beside him at that moment. All she wanted was his embrace. She wanted him to wrap his long arms around her and tell her this whole thing wasn’t real. The last 4 months never happened. She would cry against him and tell him about this nightmare she just woke up from.

She smiled at him, pushing away the hopes of that.

“How are you?” John asked.

That would be he question he’d ask. Grace felt certain the boy already knew. You could practically read it on her face. The bags were worse than John’s, her unattachment to humans made a difference. She was spacey and gone. “Fine.” She whispered.

Voices still filled the room but it seemed like every pair of eyes were on her. All the people around them seemed to be attracted to new scene the two were making. Kennedy even stared, making both of them feel that much more awkward.

“Do you… uh, do you want to go outside and talk or something?” John asked, noticing the attention the two were getting.

She watched him, the small smile sliding across his face, the blue in his eyes coming alive. It was like a fire was coming back into him. “Yeah.” She spoke. “Of course.”

He combed his fingers through the short hair, an immediate sign that he was nervous. John developed that habit on the road in the early days. Before every show when he would get jittery, he’d comb his hands through the then long locks of brown hair and shift them from his face. He still did it now, it just was a little more awkward after the hair cut.

Grace followed him out, watching his lanky figure in front of here. He didn’t talk to anyone or stop to get another bottle of beer from the fridge like he use to but he also didn’t get hold her hand or wrap his arm around her shoulders. This was such a different party for her.

The backyard was quiet compared to most time. It was the popular spot in Max’s house for the parties; people would gather around the fire pit or sit on the benches and chairs left out there. Nights in Arizona were cool, making it that much more appealing to be able to use the backyard space. Tonight however, the large deck and green backyard were free of the typically drunk crowd.

Grace took a seat on the bench, her back resting resting against the stuccoed exterior of the house. John leaned against the railing a few feet away, facing away from her and out into the backyard. His bottle of Corona rested on the railing, most of the golden liquid untouched by John.

It was awkward. Even more awkward than it was inside. They were both silent, both waiting for the other one to speak or to break the barrier between them. She stared at his back while he stared into the backyard, neither one really knowing exactly what to do.

“Max looks good.” She observed, unable to handle the lack of conversation between them.

He nodded, “He is.”

This wasn’t them. They were never silent like this before; their evenings were usually filled with cheerful chatter and loud voices. “I didn’t see Abby around—”

“They broke up a week after us.” John interrupted.

Max and Abby were another staple for the band. They met much like Grace and John had, simply stumbling into each other’s life and becoming something the other couldn’t live without. They use to double date with John and her, going to see old horror movies that Abby loved and picking up ice cream on the way home. Abby became a friend of Grace’s, her cell phone number was in Grace’s phone and when the guys would leave, they would unite for coffee once a week to keep each other company. She hadn’t heard from the girl since she left for Tucson though, assuming she, like most of John’s crowd, had probably been angry at her.

“We didn’t—uh… we’ll I didn’t—what happen?” She didn’t want to even suggest the idea if it had never come up. She was worried though, that maybe her leaving would have had something to do it. Maybe it inspired her to break up with her own long-term boyfriend because of the reasoning behind Grace’s own break up.

“No.” He chuckled lightly. “He found she was cheating on him while we were on the last tour.”

“Really?” Grace’s mouth dropped a little, shocked by the response. “I would have never guess.”

“Me either.” John agreed.

“I mean they were perfect.”

John shifted a little, switching his body weight from one shoulder to the other. “I know.” He whispered. “But it takes a rare girl to deal with a touring boyfriend.”

The silence resettled, causing the awkward rift between the two to grow. She hated it, the lack of conversation annoying her and causing her to worry. He was never like this when they were together, especially not at parties. John would talk to her like he had nothing else to do in the world. And she would sit close beside him, practically on his lap, and listen to him. She’d giggle at his stupid joke and snuggle against him when he would tell her something important.

“Do you still have the apartment?” Grace asked, taking a second stab at killing the rift between them.

“Yup.” He mumbled. “I don’t really stay there very often.”

“You should give up the lease then. Maybe move back here or something.”

He shrugged. “Maybe.” He shifted again, this time switching the weight on his hips, one knee popping out and the other slidding back. “I like having it sometimes. I get a lot of writing done there.”

“And how’s the writing going?”

“Slow. And it’s hard to focus and everything. The guys have been really supportive though. So we’re getting there.”

He was so mellow about it. John loved music, he was so passionate that even his voice would changed when he talked about. The idea of writing a new album excited him back then, even the words would send him into a frenzy. It seemed sucked out today, like it meant nothing to him again. To hear the words carry so little passion caused her emotions to break through again.

“H-how’s Tucson?” John asked, assuming the pause in her questions meant she was done.

Grace wanted to ask him more about the music and about him. That was his thing, the thing that changed his life forever. “Sucks.” She mumbled, “Lonely.”

“And your sister?”

“The same bitch she was before all this”

All this. It was a funny choice of words. She could never really call it a break up and she hated referring to it as leaving him. Her lips would never utter those words, they hurt too much now. It meant that she caused this, she brought this pain to both of them. Grace couldn’t even say it to Garrett, who knew the most about it.

He turned around, looking down at her on the bench. His eyes staring into her figure, his hands still resting against the railing and the slouch still in take. John smiled some, trying to make the moments less awkward. “So how have you been?” He asked.

Grace was surprised by his sudden surge of confidence, especially after the last few questions. She assumed he’d leave her outside soon, heading back into the crowd of friends and not looking back. His question wasn’t anything brilliant or hard to answer but somehow the words were stuck in her throat, the tears that she was still pushing back clogging their passage.

“Pretty awful.” Her own voice was soft and meek this time, almost to the point of him not being able to hear her.

“Yeah.” He mumbled, his eyes leaving her and relocating to the floor. “I understand that.”

Another round of silence, except this time it was filled with guilt and hurt. She caused this boy to be like this. She caused the man she wanted to marry, wanted to settle with, and wanted to die beside to become so hurt. The guilt never really affected her before, the longing to see him seem to overpower it but now, it hurt to breath and think because she caused this. She made John this way.

John walked back across the deck, leaving the drink resting in the same spot. He lowered himself onto the bench, his knees four inches away from hers. The distance seemed close after the two spent 4 mouths being 112 miles apart. But for her, those few inches were worse than being in Tucson. Those inches meant way more than what these last few months meant. John couldn’t come down and see her, he was on the road. But now, he had the chance to come close and embrace her, yet he didn’t.

“I’m sorry John.” She whispered. “I didn’t know this would have hurt you so much.”

He shrugged, looking away from her. “It’s okay.” He spoke just as quietly with just as much pain in his voice. “I understand why you did it.”

Why did she do it? She could barely remember now. The way John looked, so hurt and lost, it made her forget all of it. Everything seem to melt away when she saw him in the party, she couldn’t remember any of it. “I’m still sorry John.”

“Look Grace.” He spoke, now turning and looking at her. “Don’t regret this okay? You had all the right reasons to leave.”

“No I didn’t.” The tears welled, the cracks in her voice becoming easier for him to notice. “I was being picky and stupid and—”

“No.” He interrupted. “You were right Grace. I wasn’t taking care of her and I did change. Everyone agreed with you too. Even my parents told me you should have left me a long time ago.” John still didn’t touch her, he still didn’t wrap his arms around her and hug her to make her feel better. He knew what she needed, yet he refused. “And I realized how wrong I was then and fighting with you because of that...well that was enough of a reason to leave.”

She needed him then, she really needed him. He was suppose to be the fighter still, be the stubborn one who wouldn’t listen to her. He would just simply insist that things were perfect as long as they had each other. Back when the relationship was intact, John was like that. But now, it was like he didn’t know what she needed to hear.

“I missed you, John.” She confessed.

“I missed you too, Grace.”

‘God, I’ve missed you more than I ever thought I would. Everything is harder now. Even the simple stuff: eating, sleeping, driving, read. None of it’s the same without you around.” She shared, rambling as the tears came to her eyes again.

“Grace—” He tried.

“Sleeping’s the worst though.” She continued over him. “It’s worse than you being on tour too. At least then I could call you and you would talk to me until I feel asleep and your smell was still on your pillow and there was your clothes in the closet for me to look at.”

“I know Grace.” He mumbled. “It’s hard.”

“It’s lonely in Tucson too. People aren’t like they are here and they are not near as friendly.”

He nodded, “I know Grace. I wish you’d come back.”

It was the first time since the conversation began that she actually saw him the way he use to be. That same sweet John she knew and cherished. John lifted his arm and she assumed he was about to do what he always did, wrap her tight and kiss her on top of the head. It didn’t happen. John rested his arm on the back of the bench, no part of his arm touching her. It reminded her of something her father or brother would do. Something platonic done for his personal comfort--not hers.

He was quiet again, like the gesture caused his vocal cords to stop working. Grace was really starting to hate these pauses now, they were getting really long and awkward and made her feel nervous. He would just stare out into the yard, acting like she wasn’t even there.

“I was surprised you never called John.” She tried to break it again, using her confession to get his attention.

“I wanted to.” He admitted. “But Garrett told me if I did he’d kick my ass.”

Garrett was her best friend now, the one she confided in for everything now. He could probably recite every exciting thing that happened over the last four months. Grace trusted him a lot, not only with her thoughts and feelings on the break up but also to keep her best interests at heart. “Why would he do that?” She questioned, confused.

“You know how Garrett is.” John explained. “He’s just got the ‘big brother’ gene in him. When you called him it really turned it on and helping me wasn’t his priority. It was and has been taking care of you.”

“But he knew I was hoping you would call.”

“And he knew it would end badly if I did.”

“No it wouldn’t of.” She chuckled in disbelief, looking at John. “Then we could have talked and patched things up and we both wouldn’t have been so fucked up like we are now.”

“No Grace.”

“What do you mean ‘no Grace’?” She couldn’t believe he was saying it so bluntly, so matter-of-factly that she had trouble even comprehending his words. “We’d be perfect again and I’d be happy and you’d be happy.”

“Grace…”

She was hurting now. “You don’t want it anymore?”

“No, I do.” He was trying a hard as he could to keep he calm and relaxed, his words were still soft and gently. “I just think that this hurting is good for me.”

“What?” She snapped, startled by the comment.

“Missing you and needing you is making me better.”

“Better at what John?” Grace’s rationality was gone now, her own fears now truly taking over. “Song writing? Meeting girls? Getting people to feel sorry for you?”

“No Grace. Of course not.” He was trying; he was really, really trying to keep her calm. “It’s making me better for you.”

“For me?” Her tone was elevating, her body perking up. “How is both of us being alone and wanting each other but not getting back together’ making you better for me? I don’t get this John.”

“Well, if you would calm down I’ll explain it.”

Grace looked at him, closing her mouth and waiting for him to speak.

“Right now, me dealing with this loneliness, it’s making me better for you Grace. Because I want you back so fucking bad but I know, if you come back now things will just go back to the way they were. But if I have to sit with this feeling in my gut for longer, I know it’ll make me better for you babe.” He spoke. “And I know you’re going to hate this idea because you’re Grace and you like things fixed immediately but I need you to trust me.”

She looked at him, baffled. He was saying things she never imagined him saying. John was the passionate, overly dramatic one. This wasn’t him, so calm and rational. He wasn’t suppose to be like this, he was suppose either swoop her back up in his arms like she never left or he was suppose to blow up and get angry. Neither of these scenarios were happen and it made Grace panic some.

“What am I suppose to do then? Just sit and wait for you to be ready again? I’m tired of waiting John. I’m tired of missing you and wanting you to kiss me and talk to me and touch me again.” She spoke. “I want you back John. I want this whole thing to be over and for me to have you back.”

“No. You’re suppose to go live your life and be happy.” He smiled, trying to be optimistic. “Only without me. Go be single and go to the clubs and hook up with random guys that I would hate.”

“But I don’t want that John.” Hearing him even suggest that caused a tear to fall. Having him even talk about the idea of her not being with her caused her own heart to ache.

“Well baby, be rational.”

“But that’s not rational John.” She defended, her mind wandering back to the memories. “I want to be back with you here in Phoenix. I want to move back into the apartment and call you when you’re at band practice and tell you I miss you too much. And I want you to tell me 10 more minutes even though I know it’s going to be hours. And then I want you to come home and tell me sorry and I’ll just be so happy you’re back that I don’t care.”

“I want that too, Grace.” He clarified. “But we can’t now.”

She cried a little more, the tears falling as she tried to get this. John was right and she knew it, with his lifestyle it would take him another six months for this feeling to really sink in and for it to be effective. Yet, she still didn’t like it, no matter how true and right it was. Grace wanted John; Grace didn’t want to be alone.

Grace knew the truth in this, she knew that no matter what she want, it wouldn’t matter. John was set, even to the point that he was calm about it. And even if it wasn’t a break up and if anything, the boy was still promising himself to her, it hurt. Grace wanted to be back here, doing the party routine with him, having him wrap his arms around her waist and kiss her neck while she inhaled his cologne and alcohol blended musk.

John watched her as she wiped the few tear trails away. ‘So what now?” She whispered. “I mean how long am I going to have to wait for you to be ready again?”

He forced a small smile still watching her cautiously, “I don’t know Gracie. A couple months maybe? Possibly a year.”

Another year away from here. Even the idea of two more days in Tucson disgusted her. And having to wait, that would be the worst part. Knowing John would be ready at any point would make any activity harder and she’d have to fight to function. She got up from the bench, forcing a small smile and letting more tears. “Ok John.” She murmured looking at him.

“Don’t cry Grace.” He spoke softly. “Just please don’t cry.”

“How can I not?” She sniffled, turning to him one last time in one last desperate plea. “I want to be back with you and you’re not ready. It hurts okay?”

She knew what was coming. John would stand and come closer, this time it would be a littler closer than last time and he’d explain it again. He’d tell her about how they really were destined to be together and how their relationship was just on a brief hiatus. He’d smile and try with his whole being to explain to her way this was right. John would dump it all in and make sure she left feeling perfect.

Grace didn’t leave him enough to try. She turned around and went for the screen door, rushing through the actions as everything around her blurred together through the tears. People saw her, jaws dropping as she rushed by them, trying her absolute hardest to not just collapse there in emotional exhaustion.

Garrett caught her mid-step, his fingers wrapped around her upper arm. “Grace?”

“I’m going home Garrett.” She gasped. “Please just let me go home.”

He studied her for a few seconds, watching her in that same loving gaze that John had. “Okay.” He whispered. “Just promise me you will call me if you need anything on the ride home and then you must text me when you get home and I want a phone call in the morning.”

She chuckled through the tears and nodded, agreeing to his request. He really did have that ‘big brother’ thing John was talking about, it was very obvious now, and Grace loved it in him.

She’d be driving the same car, traveling on the road, and seeing the same landmarks as last time. And oh boy, it was going to be a long, quiet drive home. She didn’t even waste the time to wipe the tears away as she lowered herself in the vehicle.