One: September.


September. It starts the beginning of autumn for me. I remember childhoods in England; the crisp, orange leaves, the pale white sky, the cold, sharp air that never failed to make me shiver when I stepped outside in my Wellingtons and duffel coat.

I don’t see autumn the same way in America. Of course, it is; but I don’t get the same feeling, that bubble of excitement, winter is near.

But that might not be America.

That might just be me.

The 1st of September starts in a very ordinary way for me. I get up. I shower. I dry my hair, apply some make up and carefully choose out my clothes for the day – dark grey jeans, a black sweater, a white vest, a black studded belt, a black choker and my black boots. I dress while listening to an Evanescence album – Fallen. The song of my choice is Everybody’s Fool. I turn it off when I am finished and switch on the computer to check my email. I haven’t got any new emails so I switch the computer off, head downstairs, make myself some breakfast and eat it while listening to the radio. When I’ve finished eating, I feed my two cats, Jessica and Morphus.

I then go into my living room and ring my good friend and agent, Tina Marshall. I arrange to meet her in a café soon, and then hang up. The next person I call is my boyfriend, David Florrall. He’s a famous Hollywood actor, a very nice man. I ring to say good morning. We’ve been dating for about a month now. I can tell he’s getting impatient with me. I haven’t slept at his house yet and he hasn’t slept at mine. We only do things like, go to restaurants and see movies. It’s how I like it.

Once we’ve exchanged a few words, I hang up the phone again and lock Jessica and Morphus in the kitchen. I shrug on my coat, grab my keys and drive to the café where I’m meeting Tina.

She’s already there, smiling. I sit opposite her, order a coffee, and we talk about a photo shoot I have coming up. Arrangements are made – I’ll have to fly to California – and then we slip into idle chitchat. Tina quizzes me about David. I give her the most exciting replies I can before telling her I’m going to do a bit of shopping. She asks if she can come with me, so we wander around the shops nearby for about half an hour before heading back to our cars and exchanging goodbyes.

In my house, I try on the clothes I’ve bought. They look wrong on me, so I put them back in the bag and take them back to the shop. I tell the women in the shop they didn’t fit.

Back at the house, I get a phone call from Tina. She wants to have dinner with me tonight. She wants me to meet some people that would be interested in me doing a music video with them. I agree and hang up.

It is then that my day starts to slip into something less normal.

I head upstairs.

In my room, I put on my Evanescence album again and flick to track 10. I put it on repeat. I then undress slowly, putting everything neatly in my washing basket. I stand in front of the mirror in my underwear, and I feel tears pricking at my eyes. I slip into my white nightdress – it’s a very old-fashioned dress, but I love wearing it. I then take the pins out of my hair and take time brushing it. I wipe off my make up, remove my black nail varnish. I do all this curled up on the bed. Morphus and Jessica have come upstairs to sit with me.

Once I’ve done, I pick them both up and kiss them. I cry into their fur and take them out of the room, making them go downstairs. I then go into the bathroom and root around for a razor I bought a few weeks back and take it into my room.

“Hold onto me my love...You know I can’t stay long...All I wanted to say was I love you and I’m not afraid...Can you hear me? Can you feel me in your arms?...”

I pull the curtains and switch off the light. I lie back on my bed.

I’ve been putting this off all day. I have to do it soon before I loose my nerve.

I put the razor to my wrist.