When It All Comes Down

Today was the very first day of Alex and I's "Couples Counseling". I wasn't too thrilled about it, because I had a gut feeling in my stomach that something was going to happen today. Something...not good. But, nonetheless, I was willing to try this out to attempt to save our relationship from going down the shitter.

"Alright, let's go to this counseling thing." I said as I walked out the door with Alex. I slipped my sunglasses on and we walked over to my car, Alex getting in the drivers seat and me getting in the passenger seat.

The drive was dead silent the entire time. Neither of us talked, the radio wasn't on, there was practically no noise. Until we pulled into a parking space, that is.

"Look, Vikki, before we go in there, I just want to tell you that I really appreciate that you...want to give me another try. And that although you may not believe it, I really do love you." I shot him a small smile and nodded before we both got out of the car and walking into the building. I talked to the receptionist at the desk and she lead us to a room. It looked somewhat like a living room, almost; light beige walls, a few pieces of artwork framed on them, a cream colored leather couch with a light wooden coffee table in front of it, and a chair, which I was assuming was for the counselor.

"Hello Viktoria and Alex. My name's Jane Clark." A woman in her early 50's with light brown hair pulled into a loose bun walked in, dressed in grey work pants and a white ruffled blouse. She smiled at us and we each shook her hand before sitting down.

"Okay, so, how about you two give me a bit of a background of yourselves and your relationship." She smiled, sitting down in the chair with a notepad and pen. Alex looked at me with a small smile, signaling that I could go first.

"Well, my name's Viktoria. I'm 25, and I co-own a hair salon named Live To Dye. I also do some part time modeling from time to time." She smiled and nodded, looking at Alex. "And you?"

"My name's Alex, I'm 22, and I sing and play guitar in a band called All Time Low...pretty simple." He chuckled slightly and she smiled brightly in return. "Okay, so Viktoria, tell me a bit about your guys' relationship. Like, how long you've been together, how the relationship has been, and what the problem is and why you're here today." I nodded and set my purse on the couch, getting a bit more comfortable before I told her.

"We've been together for a little over 3 years now, and he just proposed to me a couple months ago. I actually met him like, 6 months after my previous engagement to someone else ended.....badly." I frowned. She nodded, writing something down on the notebook she had. "So, in my opinion, he saved me from myself, because after I had left my ex-fiance, I was a complete wreck and was heartbroken. I went into a depression, but after I met Alex I came out of it."

"If you don't mind me asking, why did your previous relationship end?" She asked. "You don't have to tell me now if you don't want to, so don't feel like you have to." I shook my head.

"No, its fine. He...." I bit my lip and sighed. "He was a drug addict, big time. Heavily into painkillers and heroin. I left him because it got to a point where he loved the drugs more than me." She nodded, smiling sympathetically at me.

"So, 6 months after, Alex walks into your life and it's love at first sight?" She laughs, and I do too. "Pretty much, yeah. He was really what I needed..." I saw Alex smiling out of the corner of my eye.

"So, why're you two here today?" I looked at Alex and he sighed. "Well, um......I've been...kind of having a relationship with someone else for over a year now." I closed my eyes and fought back the tears, feeling the pain in my heart again.

"Viktoria, are you okay?" Jane asked gently. I shook my head.

"Not really." I whispered, putting my face in my hands. She handed me a few tissues and I quietly thanked her.

"Why have you been having an affair behind her back, Alex?" Jane asked.

"Yeah, why?" I sniffled, still keeping my face hidden in my hands. I heard Alex sigh before speaking. "I don't really have a good answer for that....I know that sounds stupid, but...." I looked at him and he frowned at me.

"Why did you feel the need to cheat on her, though?" I looked at Alex and he bit his lip, looking down at the floor.

"Well, it was my ex-girlfriend, whom I was dating in high school for 4 years, and I thought.....I might've had some feelings for her still, or that I still loved her."

"Do you?" He shook his head immediately. "No, not at all." Jane wrote down some more things on her notepad and then looked back up at Alex once again. "If you don't love her, why were you still going behind Viktoria's back and having a relationship with her?" Alex looked at me and I stared back, waiting for an answer.

"I......I loved the thrill of it. It was exciting for me...knowing I could get caught doing this, at any moment. Knowing it was wrong, but it somewhat felt right to me-"

"Oh my god." I groaned out loud, running my hands down my face. "What, you didn't get enough "thrill" and "excitement" with me?" I asked sarcastically. "Am I not fucking good enough or what? Because if I'm not than just tell me." He shook his head.

"No, you are! You know I love you, Vikki, but-" I laughed.

""You know I love you, BUT-" But what?! What did I do wrong, that made you want to cheat on me for a YEAR? Huh?" He put his head in his hands and mumbled to himself. "Answer!"

"I don't have a fucking answer!" He snapped.

"Okay, okay, lets just calm down." Jane said. "Look, I think as of right now we're just gonna leave it at that. But I have a little assignment for you, Alex, OK?" Alex looked at her and nodded, and I was curious to find out what she was going to say next. "When you two get home, I want you to write a letter to Viktoria, telling her everything that went on between you and your ex-girlfriend in the past year. That way you can come completely clean about it all, that's the first step. You have to tell her everything that's happened before you can make any progress." He nodded.

"Alright.....what if she tries to kill me after she reads the letter, though?" I snickered slightly and she smiled. "I don't think she will, Alex."

"Ohhh, I don't know about that one..." I said to myself.

*****

***Later, at night***

"Okay, letter's done." I looked at Alex as he walked into the living room, holding an envelope. I put my laptop to the side and sat up straighter on the couch, grabbing the envelope from his hand. He sat down next to me and I opened the letter up.

Vikki,

Lisa and I have been having a relationship for a little over a year, behind your back. It started when, a little over a year ago, she called me. We started talking again, and then we started meeting up. I told you I was going to hang out with the guys, but I was really meeting up with Lisa. For the first week all we did was talk. Nothing sexual at all, unless you consider a hug goodbye sexual.

But, one thing lead to another, and we had sex. And we continued to meet up for sex. For the first 5 months, all it was for was sex. Then she told me that she started developing feelings for me again, and I...told her the same. So we started to have an actual relationship.

I've told her I loved her, then I've come home and told you the same. I've had sex with her, then I would come home and kiss you, and sometimes, have sex with you in the same night. I've been lying for the past year, and though it may be hard to believe, it made me feel horrible each time I lied.

And if you ask me, "Why did you cheat on me? Why would you do this?", my answer is this:

I'm a player. You knew that when we first entered our relationship, but you took the risk. I'm stupid, I'm young, I'm horny. The nights you wouldn't have sex with me, I'd go to Lisa to fulfill my desires.

I also loved the thrill of it all, like I said today in counseling. It made me feel like an adrenaline junkie, because we almost had gotten caught a few times by the guys. I loved the feeling of it all, it was like adventure, it was my own little secret.

Everything I've said is the truth, and nothing but. I need to come clean to you about everything, in order for us to try and fix this mess I've made.

I really am sorry, and not because you finally know about this. You deserve better than me. You deserve someone who won't hurt you. I told you that I would be the guy that you could put all your trust in to, and I'd be the guy that would never do you wrong, but I failed that. I didn't stick to my promise, because I'm not mature enough.

I understand 100 percent if you hate me and want to leave me. I don't blame you. But I want to show you how much you really mean to me, and how I know how I just fucked up something so beautiful.

You're perfect for me, and I love you in every way possible. You are my world. Please give me another chance, I can prove to you that I can change my ways permanently and be the best fiance, and hopefully husband, to you.

Love,

Alex

By the time I was finished reading his letter, tears were pouring down my cheeks, Alex's hand gently rubbing my back when a small sob escaped my lips. A mixture of hurt, sadness, anger, and love were all mixed inside of me. I set the letter down on the coffee table in front of me and took my glasses off, rubbing my eyes.

"I can't.....I can't even look at you right now." My voice was barely above a whisper. "I need you to leave, Alex."

He frowned before getting up and walking out the door. With shaky hands and blurry vision, I picked up my cell phone and dialed Ronnie's number.