The Life and Lies of Harry Potter

Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry

With a lack of information, and my hopes for a bestseller going downhill, I take a trip to Harry Potter’s Alma Mater, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,

It was my good fortune to arrive right before the sorting, and I took a seat at the Ravenclaw table, as I had done in my school days. As much as I enjoyed the food, and the rendition of “If You Were Gay” by the sorting hat, I was waiting for the feast to end, so that I could interview some of the teachers in person.

‘First years, welcome to Hogwarts. And for the rest of you, welcome back. It is my pleasure to see so many attractive faces staring up at me, and I’m sure we will get to know one another very well’ he says, moving his eyebrows in an astoundingly suggestive manner. Several mutters of “pedophile” move down the table.

‘Our caretaker, Mr. Filth, and some of the staff as well, has asked me to tell you that due to students spending too much time in the bathrooms, anything that vibrates is not allowed. He also promised me, er…something in return if I tell you all that the Forbidden Forest is out of bounds to all students, unless of course, you wish to have a private session with me.’

I take time off listening to the useless babbling of Professor Mumbles, and scan the staff table instead. The man whom I later found out was caretaker shifts ever so slightly in his seat ever few minutes. As the usual clattering and banging signal the dismissal of the students, I hurry forward and approach Professor Neville Longbottom, who admits to being platonic associates with the hero in question.

‘Oh, he’s a wonderful person. I remember him just as he was in Hogwarts, he did stuff the rest of us would never dream of.’

One of those “stuff” was the closing of the Chamber of Secrets during Harry’s second year. Formally known as a tale to scare the gullible, skeptics were put to the test when Muggle-borns in the school were petrified one by one. It seems that Harry Potter had single-handedly vanquished the ‘horror within’, although the details are unknown.