Tell Me That You Love Me...

I cried the first day I knew I loved him. How could I love John? I had known him my entire life... He was my best friend. We'd grown up together in ahwatukee Arizona, our parents were best friends so naturally we were too. John had always been there for me and he never once left my side. I couldn't believe I loved him as more than a friend, I loved him in a different way, not like a big brother, no, I loved him much much more than that, and it took me 17 years to figure that out.

We had been arguing none stop that day, about the play offs, I was telling John there was no way in hell the Suns would beat the Lakers, no way. He was really pissing me off with all the smart alec remarks he had about the Lakers... Really, really pissing me off. We were watching the game at his house, in his basement as always. And as his luck would have it...the Suns smoked the Lakers, 144-22. I was utterly pissed, while John on the other hand, was smiling uncontrollably.

"Ha ha ha... Looks like the gay Lakers lost to the Suns... Figures, those faggots," John smiled poking me in the ribs.

"Fuck you," I retorted crossing my arms.

He frowned, "You wishhh..." he sing songed, wrapping his arms around me.

"Get off faggot," I groaned trying to free my arms.

"Tell me that you love me..."

I threw my head back, squirming awkwardly on the black leather couch "No."

He only squeezed tighter, "...And it'll be alright...."

I moved my arms again... "Fuck off O'Callaghan..."

He kissed my forehead, " You know you love me," he said finally releasing me and ruffling my hair.

"Not really..."

He laughed, "Well I love you ya know, you Blake Alexandra Oshust, are my very best friend since ever, even if you do have terrible taste in sports teams."

I shrugged, "Not even..."

I got up and go my stuff together. I suddenly just could not stand to be there anymore.

"Where are you going bester?" John asked putting his feet up on the coffee table.

I sighed heavily, "Away my dear friend, away," I said jokingly.

I started walking towards the stairs, "Blake?"

I turned back, "Yeah?"

He smiled again. Looking at his feet, "Never mind."

I smiled back, "Right..."

I walked up the stairs quickly, and soon I was out of the O'Callaghan's house. I felt weird... Like my heart was beating too fast, it was weird, when John put his arms around me.. It didn't feel the same as it usually did... It felt important... It made me light headed... And when he kissed my forehead, something he's done hundreds of times, it gave me goose bumps when it shouldn't have.
I wasn't sure why I felt so... Uneasy, I couldn't like John Ohhh'... There was absolutely no way... Right?

"Shittt...." I groaned walking slowly towards my house, which is only a block or so from Johns. I wanted to cry right then and there as the realization slowly sunk in... I loved everything about John Cornelius O'Callaghan. His dazzlingly white, crooked smile, his amazing blue/gray eyes, his messy brown hair, his cheesy laugh, even his voice gave me chills... Since when? When did it cross the best friends line? And why did this have to happen? What if John didn't feel the same at all? What if the thought never even crossed his mind?

The second I got inside my house I bolted to my room. I didn't want to cry, that was the last thing I wanted to do, but as the tears fell and kept on falling there was nothing I could do to stop them. "John... I-I like John..." I said to myself silently. I fell onto my bed heavily... Unsure of everything. Falling in love with my best friend, how sickeningly cliché. "I love John." I said aloud this time, it was really true.

I was so unsure of everything... Should I tell him? How would he react? Would he hate me forever? Would he... Feel the same? I didn't know the answers. I felt my phone buzz, I looked at the screen, it was a text from John.

Bester... Are you okay? You left kinda... Weird?

I bit my bottom lip quickly writing back,

It's all good bester, I'm totally fine.

I hesitated hitting send, but I did it anyways. I closed my eyes, wiping the tears away from my them, hoping I'd stop crying soon. My phone buzzed again, the text said,

Talk?

I groaned, I couldn't tell John no, he never took no for an answer so I texted back,

Yupp.

And almost instantly he called me.

"Yeah?" I answered it trying to sound cheerful.

"How goes it Blakestur?"

I sighed, "Its whatevs... What's up with you? I just left like ten minutes ago, so why are we talking?"

He laughed nervously, "Cuz... I Uhm... Ok so Blake, you're my best friend ok?"

I frowned, "Uh yes?"

I heard him breathe heavily, "Do you, I mean like, have you ever thought..." he paused for a second, "There's millions of people in the world... So many people... Have you ever thought about that?"

I sighed, unsure of what he was getting at, "Yeah, sure John."

"So I mean, people expect everyone to like, fall in love... To find one special person to spend their entire life with, and like... Doesn't that seem... Impossible?"

I swallowed, "I don't know... I think it's possible... I believe you can find someone you love, no matter what... Someone who can be there for you...someone you've known your entire life... Someone who can make you laugh and scream at the same time, someone who never once left your side... " I stopped talking but he remained silent so I spoke again, "Or, you know maybe I'm just being a total girl here, I don't know..."

"Have you ever been in love?"

I was surprised at his question, and not sure of how I should answer it, but I decided to just be honest. "Yeah... I think I have."

I heard shuffling on the phone then he said, "What's it like?"

Ouch... Him loving me was outta the question obviously, it stung. A lot, but I spoke again anyway,

"Well... It's pretty... New? It feels like... Like... Like just thinking about the person makes you smile... Just hearing the persons voice gives you goose bumps... And just the thought of being with them makes you weak in the knees... And when you know you really love them, you just might cry at the realization..."

John laughed a little, "Why would you cry?"

I sighed, "Cuz... You might not wanna love them, but it's not really a choice."

"Hmmm... That's a good answer, in fact, it made me change my mind."

"Change your mind about...?"

"Everything.. Maybe there is a one true love out there... And I guess I have been in love before."

I felt my eyes well up with tears. John loved someone... And that someone wasn't me.

"Oh yeah, who?" luckily my voice didn't betray me and John responded, but unfortunately he didn't answer my question.

"I have to go Blake... I'll see you... Later," and with that he hung up, no answer.

I cried again, hard. It didn't make any sense... I loved John... It was so unreal and new... And he didn't love me back... It hurt. I felt silly and stupid and childish.. But I was just so confused.

After I thought about everything. For awhile... Every single thing. Why I liked him, what it was that made him special, how I could hide it, and why he didn't love me back... I thought about it all. I came to the conclusion I had to let this go. No matter what I couldn't let this... this, thing happen. I was willing to do anything to stop the possibility of me getting hurt, Including, icing John out.

I'll admit the thought of ignoring my best friend was really shitty, but I had too, for the sake of our friendship. At school on Monday, I didn't walk with him the bus stop, and when he sat down next to me waiting for an explanation of why I didn't respond to his texts or calls, I just turned up my iPod. He pulled the headphones out every time until I finally just laid my head against the bus window and focused on anything else but John the rest of the way to school. He was mad, I could tell but I didn't care.

We got off the bus separately and during the three classes we had together it pretty much went the same way. By the end of the day, John was pissed, royally. He sat next to me on the bus again at first, cussing at me for being such a bitch to him all day, but after 10 minutes of silence he switched seats. I was hurting him a lot, and it had only been one day. The worst part of this was there was only one week left of school. This week and three days next week, he wouldn't t get to sign my yearbook... Maybe he never would again. I looked up at the ceiling of the bus trying my hardest not to cry. Why am I doing this? I thought. I didn't have an answer, or at least not a good one.

When I got home I went to my room silently, sadly, lonely. I was practically mute all day, but what can you do? This was only day one. I had no clue how I could make this work for- how long? As long as it would take to stop loving me I guess. Great plan.

Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday- John repeated the same thing every day. Begging and pleading with me to speak to him, or at least acknowledge he was there.. But I just couldn't. Friday was by far the most frantic. On the bus ride home he went into a tangent about me ignoring him, as much as I tried to ignore him this time, I couldn't help but notice how he sounded on the verge of tears. It was killing me.

"Blake, please, please! You are my best friend! My very best friend! And you haven't even signed my yearbook! Why, why are you doing this to me? Can't you see I'm a fucking mess? I need you! I need you to speak to me! What did I do? Please just tell me what I did I'm pleading with you... Please Blake, please. I'm your best friend. We're best friends god damnit! So why the fuck are you ignoring me? Please tell me what I did, please I'm begging you Ill stop. I'm sorry, so so sorry for whatever it was bester, please!"

He put his hands on my shoulders and turned me towards him, I could see his eyes were glassy, but I practically looked right through him. He let me go and ran his hands through his hair, looking defeated. He crossed his arms and was silent the rest of the ride home.

As soon as we got off the bus I ran. I actually ran to my house. I had to go in my room and just breathe and forget about it all. That's what I needed, because I didn't know how much more hurting John could take before he decided he didn't want to keep trying to be my friend. And I didn't t know how long I was willing to push him.

I went in my room and laid down. I didn't cry, I was done with crying, I just laid there. I ended up falling asleep. And I slept for hours... I literally woke up to my phone ringing. At 2:30 AM. It was John.

"Fuck," I sighed heavily.

I wasn't going to answer it, but it was 2:30 in the morning. He could've been dying or something, I couldn't have just ignored it. So I answered it reluctantly.

"Hello?"

John sighed heavily, relieved I guess, "Tell me that you love me..."

I bit my bottom lip, "John I-"

"And it'll be alright..."

I rubbed my forehead, "Please just-"

"Are you thinking of me?" he questioned, ignoring the fact that I was trying to get him to stop talking.

"Please stop I can't-"

"Just come with me tonight...." he wasn't even listening to me, he just kept rambling.

"What John? No it s-"

He sighed again, "I know I need you..." he paused for a moment, "Just like you need me..."

"No John," I said quietly, so close to tears.

He sighed, "Come outside Blake."

I groaned, "Why? What do you mean?"

"Just come on."

He hung up and I was mad, I didn't want to go outside, it was late and I was still half asleep, but I got up out of bed slowly anyways, I still had my shoes on from earlier, how convenient. I crept out of my room down the hallway slowly, hoping I wouldn't wake up my mom. Luckily I didn't , I walked out of the front door as silently as I could, and I saw John standing in my front yard with his yearbook and a bouquet of yellow roses, my favorite.

"John what...?" I asked him, very confused.

He walked towards me, handing me the bouquet and holding up his yearbook to me, "You still have to sign this..."

I looked at him, dumb founded, "Uh...it's 2:30 in the morning is that all you had to say to me?"

He smiled softly, "No..."

He was inches away from me now, he hugged me gently, "I'm in love with my best friend," he whispered into my ear.

I frowned, "No... Stop."

He sighed, "I can't stop, and I won't stop..."

He hugged me tighter then, squishing the flowers between us, he tossed his yearbook on the ground and kissed me. Deeply, lovingly, amazingly, the only thing running through my head was, I must be dreaming...The thing that made me realize I really wasn't was when he whispered

"I Love You Blake"

Kissing me again. My best friend, John O'Callaghan, was in love with me...and I loved him back, with all my heart.