I Know It's Hurting You, But It's Killing Me

“Audrey, wake up.” I heard Lex whisper as he shook me gently. “What?” I mumbled and rubbed my eyes. “Come on, get up.” He laughed. I sat up and ran a hand through my curls.

“What Lex, what could you possibly want? It’s in the middle of the night for Christ sakes.”

“Lets take a walk,” He suggested. “Are you out of your fucking mind?” I questioned. “No, of course not! Now come on Audrey,” He said before yanking me off of the bed. “Okay, okay, I’m coming.”

I got up from the bed and slipped on my flip flops, before meeting him at the door. “I want to take a walk and I want you to come with me.” He smiled. “Well, it’s a good thing dad let me stay in here tonight.” I stated.

“He only let you because we’re going home tomorrow.” He informed me as we walked out the door and down the hallway towards the elevator. “You don’t think I know that?” I asked, and laughed a little. He rolled his eyes and changed the subject. “Are excited about tour?” He wondered.

“No, not at all.” I was blunt about it. “What about you?”

He shrugged, “I guess, but I heard that touring can be boring.” I shook my head and laughed. “It’s not believe me, especially with the guys. It can be fun, you just have to get use to it.”

“If it’s not that bad, then why do you hate it so much?” We stepped of the elevator as he asked that and I sighed. “It’s complicated,” Was the best response I could come up with.

“To complicated to talk about?”

“No, I just don’t really talk about it much. I never have, except with my dad.”
He shook his head and looked me directly in the eyes. I could clearly see that he wondered what I was talking about. “I hate tour,” I started, “Because my mom died while we we’re on tour when I was younger.”

“Oh, Audrey, I’m-”

“Sorry,” I cut him off by finishing the sentence. “I know, most people are when I tell them.”

“How did she die?” He asked slowly, as if he was afraid I would go off on him. “I was playing with a ball and it rolled into the street. So naturally I ran after it, and when a car came and almost hit me she pushed me out of the way. She died instantly from her head hitting the concrete.”

“Wow,” He mumbled. “You do know that it wasn’t your fault, right?”

“Some part of me does believe that it wasn’t my fault, it was just meant to be. But the other part of me disagrees.” I explained as we walked across the sand and sat down next to the shore. “Whether you believe it or not, it really isn’t your fault Audrey. It was a freak accident that could have happened to anyone.”

“Yeah, maybe, but it happened to me. But whatever, it’s in the past. I have other things to worry about now.” I shrugged.

“That’s true,” He agreed. “It’s hard losing a parent, but you learn to live with it because there’s nothing else to do.” I closed my eyes and sighed as I remembered that his dad has passed away three years ago. “I’m sorry Lex, I totally forgot about your dad.” I apologized, feeling absolutely horrible.

“It’s fine Audrey,” He assured me. “I still feel like shit now,” I muttered and pulled my knees to my chest. “Don’t, it’s okay.” I nodded and rested my chin on my knee as I focused on the waves crashing against the shore.

After a minute of silence he laid his hand on my shoulder which in return made me flinch visibly. “When did it happen, Audrey?”

“When did what happen?”

“When were you raped?” He just came out and said it as if the word meant absolutely nothing. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I lied.

“I’m not as stupid as you think I am Audrey. You have nightmares every night, you flinch when ever some one touches you, and you had that emotional break down earlier this week. It all just adds up, kind of like pieces to a puzzle.”

“You observe very well,” I noticed. “Don’t change the subject.” He shook his head.
“I don’t know what you want me to say. You obviously know that it has happened, isn’t that enough?” I asked.

“I was just asking, Audrey. Papa Gates and Uncle Zacky have told me a lot about you, and it seems to me that you are such a different person now. That’s why I’m curious to know if it happened recently.” He shrugged. “You don’t have to talk about it, I’m just wondering.”

“That’s because I was a different person. It’s weird and I don’t understand it, but I’m not the same person and I don’t I ever will be.” I spoke softly.

“It was Saturday and a friend talked me into going to a normal high school party like most kids do. Everyone was either drinking or getting high except for me, and I decided that I was going to leave because I didn’t feel comfortable. Things didn’t go like I planned though, instead of leaving immediately I went to the bathroom and he followed me. The music was so loud and he was so strong, there was just no chance of me getting away.” I stopped as I felt a tear fall from my eye.

“I’m sorry Audrey. That shouldn’t have happened to you, but it did and I know that you will get past all of this.” He said as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. It didn’t make me mad or make me feel uncomfortable from the small gesture, because we had been getting along and we were on our way to being friends.

--

“Have a drink Audrey,” Jen laughed obnoxiously as she tried to push a beer into my hand. “No,” I refused, “You know I don’t drink Jen.” She gave me an irritated look before walking off and muttering something to herself, but I couldn’t hear what she had said over the loud music.

“You want to dance?” Philip; a really cute guy from my math class asked. He didn’t seem drunk and he didn’t seem high, so I didn’t really see the harm.

“Sure,” I smiled and took his hand that he held out. “Audrey is with me,” Brandon stopped us. “No I’m not.” I protested. “Sorry dude, I didn’t know.” Philip apologized before dropping my hand and walking off.

“What the fuck was that?” I demanded to know. “I’m not yours, you don’t own me. I can dance with a guy if I want to.” I shouted at him. His facial expression went from pissed to amused in the matter of seconds.

“Your cute,” He chuckled as he pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. I slapped his hand away and took a step back. “I’m going home,” I snapped. “You’re not going anywhere.” He growled as he grabbed a hold of my arm forcefully.

My eyes shot open and I sat up trying to regain my breath. The sun was up and the digital clock read ten fifty six. “Are you okay?” Lex mumbled as he rubbed his eyes. “Yeah,” I nodded. “I’m good,” I added as I laid back down next to him.

“How long until you think they come to wake us up?” Lex asked quietly. Before I could answer there was a knock on the hotel door, indicating that one the guys were standing out there. “Never mind,” He muttered and covered his head with the blankets. I laughed to myself as I walked to the

door. “Morning kids,” Uncle Brian greeted as I opened the door and he walked in. “Morning,” Lex and I said at the same time.

“We’re leaving in an hour to drive back to Huntington. Everyone is going to go home for a few hours and then return to your house for the night. The bus picks us up in the morning at seven, alright?” He asked us both. “Yeah, cool.” We nodded together as Lex climbed out of bed and stood next to me.

“Everyone is to meet down stairs in the lobby at twelve.” He told us. “Okay, we’ll be there. Now please get out so we can get ready and shit.” I laughed. “I’m going,” He said before slipping out of the door.

“Honestly, I'm so glad you are coming on tour with us.” I sighed as I walked over to my suitcase. “Really?” He smirked. “Yeah, but don’t let it get to your head or anything.” I smiled. “Real funny Audrey,” He said as he threw a pillow at me.

“Oh it’s on!” I declared before grabbing the pillow he threw at me and attacking him with it. “Okay, okay, I surrender.” He shouted and laughed aloud as I sat on him and repeatedly hit him with the pillow.

“I win,” I smirked and stood up. He stood up quickly and threw me over his shoulder before racing to the bathroom.

“What are you doing?” I laughed. “Winning,” He said as if I should of already known that. He stepped into the shower and turn the ice cold water on which splashed my back immediately.

“Oh my God!” I shrieked. He laughed and sat me down on my feet. I grabbed the shower head off the wall and sprayed it all over him as he tried to step out of the shower.

“It’s cold,” He laughed. “Yeah, I know.” I laughed along with him before turning it off and collapsing onto the floor. He slipped and landed beside me which made me laugh even more. “You got me soaking wet,” He said as he looked down at his pajamas.

“You started it by throwing that pillow at me.” I stated as I crossed my arms over my chest. He smiled and rolled his eyes before standing up and offering his hand to me. I grabbed it and he me helped up.

“Here, dry off.” He said as he thoughtfully handed me a towel. “Thanks,” I murmured suddenly feeling shy as I pulled it over my shoulders and held it in place.

“I guess we better get ready and pack.” He spoke as we walked out of the bathroom. “Yeah, I guess so.” I agreed and chewed on my lip.