I Know It's Hurting You, But It's Killing Me

“What are you doing?” Wesley questioned the next day as he and Riley walked over to me.

“Unloading this shit,” I grumbled. “Why?” Riley asked with an amused look.

“Lex and I got into some trouble yesterday, and unfortunately this is our punishment.” I explained with a small sigh as I placed my hands on my hips. “Sucks to be you.” Wesley chuckled.

“Don't you guys have something better to do than mess with me right now?” I asked, with a small laugh. “Not really,” Riley shook his head. “But if you want us to leave you alone, then fine.” He added.

“It's not that,” I shook my head. “It's just I have to get this done and I'll be a lot quicker if I don't have any distractions.”

“Alright fine, I see how it is.” Wesley teased. “Come find us when you're done, we want to hang before the show.” Riley smiled.

“Okay, I'll find you guys in a few minutes.” I gave him a small smile before watching them walk off.

“Are you just forgetting about me now?” Lex questioned as he walked over to me. “No, of course not. Where would you even get an idea like that?”

“You're ignoring me, but you're talking to those punks.”

“One, I'm only ignoring you because you were a jerk to me yesterday, and two, Wesley and the guys aren't punks, especially Wesley. So don't even fucking go there, Lex.” I growled, wanting to punch him.

“Bitch,” He muttered before walking off. “Are you fucking kidding me?” I raised my voice at him.

“What, did I hurt Audrey's feelings? God knows I wouldn't want to do that considering you're already unstable from being raped, and you might actually really kill yourself this time.” He raised his voice louder than I did. Some of the roadies started staring at us, wondering what we were talking about.

I walked closer towards him and before he could move away I pulled back my fist and slammed it into his jaw causing him to stumble backwards. “Fuck you!” I spat before turning away and running off stage and past everyone including Dad and Wesley.

“Audrey, what's wrong?” Dad called after me. I just shook my head and continued to run, feeling as if I was about to burst. I ran into the nearest bathroom and locked the door shut, before sliding down to the floor and bursting out in tears.

“Audrey, are you in there?” Wesley's asked from the other side of the bathroom. I didn't answer; I just sniffled and wiped my eyes free of tears. “I can here you crying, Audrey. Come on, let me in.”

“Go away,” I murmured. “No, I don't think I will.” He sighed. “You can either let me in or I can sit out here on this nasty floor. It's your choice,” He laughed lightly as if he was kidding, but I knew he wasn't. Wesley would sit outside the door waiting to me forever if possible.

“I hate you,” I mumbled as scooted over and pulled the door open, allowing him to slip through. He chuckled aloud as he shut the door before sitting down next to me. “I think Zacky and Matt are giving Lex a beat down right about now.” He teased.

“They don't need too, I already got him.” I said, as I looked my throbbing hand, which happened to be the same one I smashed the mirror with.

“Jesus, you've really done some damage to your hand.” He said softly as he ran his thumb over the scabbed cuts. “Yeah,” I laughed dryly. “But, I'm okay.”

"Don't cry," He said as he wiped away a few tears. "He's not worth it."

"I know, but I can't help it." I sighed and tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. "God, I'm such a baby." I muttered as the tears just kept falling.

"You're not a baby," He chuckled and pulled me to his chest. "It's normal to cry, nothing to be ashamed of."

"What he said, is it true?" He questioned hesitantly. "Yeah, unfortunately." I said quietly with a small nod.

He left it at that and we didn't say anything else as we sat on the bathroom floor with him running his hands through my hair. I felt safe and content while lying in his arms just like I did when we were younger.

--

“Hey,” Dad said later that night as I lay on the small couch on the bus. “Hi,” I muttered.

“Want to talk about what happened earlier?”

“Nope,” I said popping the 'P'. “You sure?” He wondered, raising an eyebrow at me. “I'm pretty sure, dad.” I said before rolling over and burying my face into the couch cushion. I didn't want to talk about anything at the moment; I just wanted to disappear for a little while.

“Why don't we go for a walk and get some fresh air?” He suggested. I sighed and wondered why “No thanks,”

“Sorry, but I'm not taking no for an answer.” He said before scooping me up in his arms and carrying me outside. “What the hell, I was comfy.” I complained as he dropped me to my feet.

“Walk,” He demanded as he pointed in front of me.

“Where the fuck are we walking to?” I asked with an eye roll, before I listened and started walking. “No where really, we're just taking a walk.”

“I dislike you,” I muttered. “Liar,” He chuckled. “Maybe,” I shrugged and laughed a bit. He smiled down at me before looking straight ahead.

“Tell me what's going through your head.” It wasn't a demand but it wasn't a question either, I didn’t have to tell him anything if I didn't want to.

“Memories and that's about it.” I said truthfully. “Mostly about mom, though.”

He sighed and his gaze met mine. “I know you miss her Audrey, I miss her too, but you have to stop blaming yourself for what happened.”

I nodded, “I know, dad, and I've been working on that, it's just hard sometimes.”

“I know,” He nodded and placed his arm over my shoulder. “I love you, Audrey.” He said before kissing me on my forehead. I smiled and bit my lip. “I love you too, dad.”