Light in the Storm

I pushed myself down the long hallway as fast as I could, my chest heaving with uneven breaths and jolting sobs. The page from Lucas’ journal was held tightly in my hand while I moved, my head whipping around, trying to find anything in the darkness behind me. My glow was dimming with each step I took, but my mind wasn’t working fast enough to allow me to pull the lighter from my pocket. I ran in the darkness instead. I couldn’t hear anything but myself; my breathing, my wild thoughts. I couldn’t see anything but Nick’s face, full of bruises, full of pain.

Tomorrow.

I almost ran into the sturdy wall after entering the room, my hands clawing at the ledge above. I screamed. I screamed in anger, in pain, in refusal to believe that all of this was happening when I wasn’t even ready. Just for once I wished that someone could tell me life was fair, and that I could believe them.

“Lonnie?” The sound of a voice that didn’t belong to Nick made everything worse. “Lonnie, are you okay?” it sounded again, and I knew it was Ryan. I could see the shadow of his head, and then a moment later his hand shot down to grab mine.

I jumped up when he began to pull and squirmed, tightening my fingers around the paper until my fist began to shake. I ducked my head down before my upper body was out of the hole, my shaking body dragging over the gravel only moments after. And they stood in front of me in the darkness, their wide eyes filled with nothing but worry as I cried, my body lying flat on the earth beneath me.

“Please,” Russell tried. He was uncomfortable and out of place in this situation, but I couldn’t make it better; I couldn’t make anything better. “Please tell us what happened.”

“He-he,” I tried, sucking in breaths sporadically. I couldn’t lift my head enough to look at them so I shut my eyes, releasing my grip on the paper. My head began to spin, my heart rate picking up in a familiar beat. My breathing almost halted and, for a moment, I could see nothing but blurred white; blurred white swirling with gray, turning to black. It was almost comical, in a dark sort of way, that now was the time for me to have my panic attack. That now was the time that something in me was telling me to stop breathing, or to breathe so heavily that I could pass out, and that now was the time to see something. But I wasn’t seeing anything right now, and it was almost like someone was messing with me…

“Lonnie?” Russell shouted, and I could feel his thick hands on me, but I couldn’t react. I felt so sick and disoriented, and all I wanted was to just lie down and never wake up. Or to see Nick. “Lonnie, what’s going on?”

“I…I can’t… I can’t,” I struggled in between gasps of air. I could be mistaken as asthmatic, or as having an anxiety attack. Was that it? Was I having problems because I wasn’t with Nick? No, that didn’t make sense. I was panicking… panicking because of everything, and not having Nick here to make it better was worse.

“She can’t breathe!” Ryan shouted suddenly. I darted my eyes over to him, meeting his frantic ones. It almost looked like he was about to pass out.

“What are we supposed to do?” Russell tried, his tone defensive, but he was on the verge of panic just like his brother. “Give her CPR?”

“Not when she’s awake!” Ryan snapped. He dug his fingers into his tousled hair, his teeth scraping over his lip.

“Well… should I knock her out?”

“You idiot!”

I couldn’t focus on their arguing. Instead my mind drifted over to Nick and what had apparently been our first kiss… even though I wasn’t really conscience. And, almost like a miracle, I felt a little better. I could breathe, I could focus; I just didn’t know how long that would last.

“Guys,” I breathed, my whole body slouching onto the ground in relief. They kept arguing, completely unaware of me now. “GUYS!” Their bodies froze and their eyes darted in my direction, relief written all over their features. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out, so I raised my hand instead, the paper swaying lightly in the wind. It took Ryan a moment to settle his eyes on it, but when he did he reached his hand out slowly, questioningly meeting his eyes with mine. I waited for him to grab it.

Russell proceeded to reach his hand out too, but this one was for me, and he said in a low tone, “So… what happened in there?” I let a breath escape my lips before I allowed Russell to pull me to my feet, and then I waited another moment before even trying to answer him. I didn’t want to think about having to leave Nick in there like that.

“I saw Nick.” I managed to squeak the words out, watching as both Ryan and Russell froze to look at me, but before either of them could speak I continued. “I don’t want to talk about it.” I could tell by the way they looked at me that they didn’t know what to think; was he okay? Was he hurt? Were we fighting? And what the heck was Nick doing in there? Those were probably the questions they were dying to ask but didn’t dare, and I was glad. I spoke again instead. “Lucas and Jeremy hide down there, like it’s some sort of… lair.” It felt weird saying that, like I was talking about some evil villain in a cartoon. I wish. “I saw everything that Lucas wrote down, everything. Stuff about my mother, about what he’s trying to do…” I trailed off and Ryan went back to reading the paper, leaving Russell to fidget with nerves. None of us knew what was really going, or even what to do. Was it my call? Was it my turn to make the decisions? I couldn’t do that without Nick.

“Uh, what exactly does tomorrow mean?” Ryan said slowly, breaking my thoughts. I glanced at him through the dark, waiting. But I knew he knew what it meant and, glancing over at Russell, who was now reading the page, he knew what it meant, too. And I think, for once, we were all speechless.

[&&lights]

We didn’t know exactly what we were supposed to do now, where we were supposed to go. We couldn’t go all the way back to the village or even Eve’s in the dark, though even if we could I doubted that she’d be there. I wanted so badly to just close my eyes and fall asleep just so I could wake up from this dream, this huge nightmare that held everything in it. Or maybe I wanted to just fall asleep and dream about everything working out because I hadn’t the slightest clue if it would or not.

And what if it didn’t? What would happen? What would happen to Dad, to Eve, to Paul and Denise and Joe and Kevin and Frankie, and Ryan and Russell, and me.. And Nick? Why couldn’t I be as strong as my mother?

I opened my eyes with a slow sigh, tilting my head up so my eyes could meet the dim stars through the thick trees. The sky was clouded and the air around us held a cool fog, but for once I wasn’t scared. I was more worried than anything because now I was on my own; because now I knew I had a power that could make or break everything, and I was sort of peeved at the fact that I still didn’t know how to use it fully. And with the way my mind was going, jumping from thought to thought, I doubted my focus more than ever. But it made me want to fight… for Nick, for everything. It made me want to prove myself; I wasn’t just Lonnie, the girl dependent on her soul mate. I wanted to be Lonnie, the one who fought -- and won -- for her soul mate. I could feel my lips wanting to tug up into a smile.

“What do you think’s gonna’ happen?” Ryan asked meekly as he laid beside me, his eyes focused on the stars above, just like mine were.

“I sorta had the same question,” Russell mumbled in response. I bit my lip.

“Do you… I mean, why is this happening to me?” It was a general question, but there were so many things tied to it. Why was all of this my responsibility? Why did I have to be the great witch? Why did I have to be a witch at all? And why did I always have to have the thing -- the person -- I love in danger? It’s like I was a magnet for this.

Ryan and Russell exchanged a look full of meaning, the number one thing probably being worry that I might break down; I was fine though, for now. Then they both turned to me with a sigh, and Russell spoke. “Lonnie,” he started slowly, “why does this happen to anybody? Why are we involved?”

“It’s kind of like asking why Nick is Nick, you know?” Ryan continued. They were both sitting up now, their heads turned to face me as they sat on my left and right. I stared straight up at the stars when he added quietly, “Would you love him if he were anything less?”

“Yes,” I answered immediately, reflexively, and without even looking I could tell they were both smiling.

“What I mean is,” he cleared his throat, “would you love him if he pretended to be something he’s not.” I hesitated this time. I would still love him, yes; Nick would always be Nick. But at the same time I wouldn’t know what to think. If Nick wasn’t… Nick, if he wasn’t exactly like he was now, stubborn and all, then maybe things would be different. Maybe everything would be different.

“I think we’re all like this for a reason,” Russell piped in, and then he sighed. “That’s why everything seems so planned, why Nick is your set soul mate. And it’s why you’re the great witch now. It’s just… who you are.” His words were wise and they sunk into me, but deep in my mind made me unsure of whether or not to believe that.

“Maybe who I am isn’t strong enough. Anyone ever thought of that?” My voice was a mere whisper, barely steady enough to be normal instead of weak.

“Yeah, actually,” Russell said with a breathy laugh. I managed a weak smile before Ryan reached across me to smack his brother, but my gaze was always focused on the stars, their dim glow in the dark sky. “But it’s not a case of being strong. It’s a case of whether or not you believe, Lonnie.” It went silent again and I took that moment to just breathe; the silence didn’t last long. “Wow,” Russell laughed, this time a real one, “that really sounded cheesy.”

“I think you’re going soft, bro,” Ryan said in agreement, his own faint laugh sounding. I ignored the worry that flew with it and focused on the positive energy in hopes that maybe some of it would rub off on me, and then maybe I could get to sleep.

“Thanks guys,” I mumbled, and then I yawned. They both muttered something in response, their laughter dying down, but I decided to ignore it and just lay back. The ground was uncomfortable but it wasn’t like I hadn’t endured it before, and I wasn’t even scared that Coimbra might come back and try to suck out my blood. Well, maybe a little.

I shut my eyes and let the breeze tickle my skin before dozing off. It felt strange though, like I was still awake somehow. And when I was only surrounded my a darkness that just kept seeming to move… I knew something was up; even in my sleep, I knew. I could hear a voice talking, one that sounded so familiar, so distant. I couldn’t make out the words, and I tried so hard because it felt like I was supposed to know… but nothing. Then more voices were added, all of them familiar. It felt like I was in a crowded room and my focus just kept leaping around, unable to find one thing. It made my head hurt. I was almost sure that I was tossing and turning on the dry grass beneath me, and it felt like branches were scratching at my face. And the time… it seemed to whirl. If someone were to examine my dreams they would mistakenly think I was on drugs or something.

I could feel everything sort of slow down within a few seconds, and I got a sudden urge, like I was falling. But when I looked up into the still blackness of my mind I saw something else, a bright twinkling light, like a beautiful star. And as it got closer and closer clouds seemed to appear, and the star started to fall out of what was now a sky, fast. It was enough to take my breath away. I could see far up suddenly and my eyes were locked on that star, only it wasn’t a star anymore, but a body -- a lifeless body. There was a big hole in the ground too, and when I looked down at it I could see a reflection, like there was a sheet of glass covering the way through; through that piece of glass stood Nick, his curls precise, his chocolate eyes alert and shining, and there was an odd sense of relief deep inside me even as I watched the body fall. The faster it fell the more I couldn’t breathe though, and when I saw the hair… I knew. It was my mother. It was my mother falling just like I had dreamt of her so long ago, being thrown lifelessly across the field. But as she continued to fall and get closer to the hole in the ground I could see that it wasn’t her, but me. And suddenly I fell… straight through the hole.

I banged my head and my eyes jolted open in a mixture of fear and pain. I heard a gasping sound but didn’t realize that it was coming from me until I felt a hand on my shoulder. It wasn’t naturally warm or comforting, but I thought that maybe I was just ignoring that in the state I was in. So I turned and wrapped my arms tightly around Nick, allowing the tears to flow so freely. It was all just a dream. I wasn’t falling. I was okay, we were okay, and as I clung to Nick I inhaled his scent just like I always did, except this time it wasn’t the same. I halted my tears and let the urge to say his name fall back down my throat, and I pulled back only to meet two big, blue eyes. Those eyes belonged to Ryan. I stared at him in shock with my mouth agape and my eyes wide, and I let my arms fall to my sides without another sound. Just searching his eyes told me that Nick wasn’t here, and that seeing him was just a dream. And I suddenly wished that I really was falling.

He didn’t say anything; he knew I didn’t want to hear it. Today was the day.

We sat there in silence, Ryan and I, and we waited for the sun to rise. I hugged my knees to my chest and glanced down at Russell, who was still sound asleep, envying him in a way. I wanted that simplicity. But everything was complicated with me, and nothing was ever normal anymore. Who was to say that I was ever normal though? And maybe I was crazy now because I was pretty much talking to myself, but it was all I could do to keep from hyperventilating. I just wanted this to be done and over with. I didn’t want to fight. I didn’t want to lose. I didn’t want to get tangled up in this, but I already was.

“Lonnie,” Ryan said softly, practically whispering. I glanced over at him slowly, only able to see part of him as the sky began to lighten. “What drew you to Nick?” I furrowed my eyes in confusion for a moment before I sighed, turning my head back toward the sky.

“I’m not really sure. There was just something about him, I think,” I said softly, almost smiling at how cold he had been towards me. “And I guess it was because I thought he was cute.” Now I was blushing.

“Put that in your wedding vows,” Russell yawned, and I immediately turned to face him. The wedding. Out of all the bad things I knew I had to have something to look forward to. I felt sort of stupid though, especially considering that Nick had mentioned that, had told me dream about it. Thinking about it would do.

I remembered seeing some kind of red cottage, and it felt like it was on some sort of beach; I couldn’t quite remember. But what I did know was that it was beautiful, and I knew it was going to happen. I took a good look at that ring on my finger and I knew. My eye caught that folded piece of paper again, and I read it in the light that managed to peek through the clouds. The words told me one thing: Nick had been right about love, and if I were strong enough to get through whatever Lucas had planned for the beginning of this battle then I knew I could give what my mind had registered a try.

Just a few hours left.