Light in the Storm

Somewhere deep inside, I missed walking through the forest with Nick. That’s what we were doing now. The mustang couldn’t very well jump over logs. Everything seemed so different out here, but everything was also the same. The clouds were dark and overtaking the sky. The trees were bare, but the grass was soft and wet from all the rain. It looked as if it were about to pour down again.

Nick’s hand squeezed mine and he pulled me forward, the twigs and dry leaves crunching under our feet. I stared at the side of Nick’s face for a moment, his features completely unaware of everything around. It looked as if he were deep in thought, his chocolate eyes zoned out some. I slowly looked away, my eyes scanning the trees. It was empty out here.

“I actually don’t have too much stuff out here,” he muttered, rubbing the back of his neck. I licked my dry lips and nodded, thinking of something to say. I didn’t really know of anything.

I wanted to be able to tell Nick everything I was thinking, to share things with him. But I couldn’t. It was hard not knowing what he was thinking and it was hard to understand him, the way he worked.

He pushed open the door, earning a small squeak, and stepped inside. The air was cool, hardly any difference from outside, but the small space looked cleaner. I glanced around and took in my surroundings. I bit my lip nervously and let his hand drop, slowly moving forward as he shut the door. I knew he could sense the confusion I felt, but he didn’t speak. I could feel his eyes on me. Slowly turning around, I clasped my hands together and caught his eye, his look somewhat blank.

“Can… can I talk to you?” I whispered, swallowing the lump in my throat. He stood still, his arms limp by his sides, and he nodded. I backed up towards the bed and sat, waiting for him to take the spot next to me.

“About what?” he murmured, turning to face me. He pushed back his curls and rested his hands in his lap, but he looked a little fidgety.

“About us,” I cleared my throat, pushing a strand of hair behind my ear. He widened his eyes a little, not quite sure where I was going with this. “Umm….” I mumbled, looking down at my hands, my fingers now drawing random patterns on my jeans.

How was I to go about something I knew nothing of? How was I to talk things out with Nick if I didn’t know the words to start with? I did my best to breathe evenly, my eyes locking on the ring. Even in the dim light it seemed to shine--like his eyes, like my glow. And now I knew where to start.

“My birthday,” I whispered, breathing deeply. “On my birthday, you gave me this ring. You said that you’d be ready for me…” I glanced up to meet his gaze, his eyes staring at me intently. I rubbed my nose nervously, sighing. “Do you remember that?”

“I remember,” he answered almost instantly. His voice was sure, but he wasn’t. He remembered, he just didn’t know why I brought it up.

“You know, umm, the way you said it… it kind of got me thinking. Like, did-did you mean it? Because it kind of sounded like, like it was more of a… job than a want--proposing, I mean. And I know we talk about this over and over, but it’s hard for me…” I trailed off, not quite understanding why I was getting so emotional. I stared at him with blurry eyes, my breath shaky.

His eyes were soft, his lips in a smooth frown, and he looked at me in confusion and frustration.

“It’s hard for me… to understand why… why--why you’d f-feel the way you say you do. And I never understood, I guess I never really believed that you felt the same way… that I felt about you.” My voice was almost inaudible, a mere shaky whisper. I locked his gaze and I felt the tears start to fall. He shifted nervously, blinking in surprise, trying to figure out what to say.

“Why is this bugging you now? Why are you crying?” he asked almost frantically. I looked away and shrugged, hastily wiping away my tears.

“I just… I think a lot. And when I say that I love you, it’s harder than it looks because I don’t really know if you mean it when you say it back.”

I knew Nick was trying. I knew he felt something towards me and when he said he loved me, I believed it. But things were different; I was different. We were older now, even if it were only by a year, and I didn’t want to go on for years trying to convince myself that he loved me more than he used to. I wanted to know now. I wanted to know that he was going to love me as much as he said. I wasn’t making any sense, but that was me.

“Why would you say that?” he whispered. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, digging his fingers into his curls.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered back, settling my eyes on the floor.

I could hear the slight rumbling of thunder on the outside, but I didn’t really care that we were in the middle of a forest and a storm was about to happen. It didn’t bother me as much as this conversation. Was he trying to get away from answering or saying something to reassure me? Or was he truly curious as to why I had these sudden feelings. We were fine yesterday, fine this morning. But that was it. Things were getting to the point that, if I ever found out that there was even a chance left that he didn’t want me, I wouldn’t be able to take it. I was too attached, but I didn’t want to go back.

“Yeah, you’re sorry, but why would you think I don’t mean it? We have gone over this… too many times to count, and we argue about it consistently…” he breathed, opening his eyes to focus on me.

“I know. I know we do. And I hate arguing with you, but it’ll always be at the back of my mind. I keep thinking, “does he love me like he says he does? Am I just something he’s stuck with?” I don’t know what you want Nick. I just… I don’t know if you love me because you want to or if you love me because you have too… and it scares me. I don’t want to lose you.”

I let a few tears escape and roll down my burning cheeks. I sniffled and took a few deep breaths, clutching my arm. It felt like I’d lose myself if I let go. I felt alone in the silence. I didn’t like the feeling.

He let his head hang, his body still as he stared at his hands, contemplating. I didn’t know what he was thinking or what he was feeling, and I couldn’t see his face. I didn’t know what to say or do at this moment in time, but I did know that I was nervous. I was scared. I didn’t want it to be this way.

“What’s it going to take to get you to realize that I mean it? What’s it going to take to make you understand that I love you?” he murmured, slowly turning his head to look up at me. His eyes were heavy, his lips parted, and he stared at me with a tired look. He didn’t want to keep this up. It gave me a hope that he really did mean it, but that wasn’t it. I’d never fully understand it until he did one thing.

“I want you to show me.”

I didn’t think about the words I whispered until they left my mouth, my eyes already wide when his face turned pale. Did he know what I meant? Did I know what I meant?

“W-what?” he stuttered, swallowing hard. He sat up a little straighter, his face confused. I looked down and played with my shirt nervously, waiting for the louder roar of the thunder to pass. I opened my mouth to speak, but I didn’t know what to say. I spoke anyway.

“I want you to show me,” I gulped, shutting my eyes tight. “I wanna know that, every time you say you love me, you mean it. That’s all I’m asking for.”

“What do you mean “that’s all?” Lonnie, I don’t know how to show you.” His voice seemed a little frantic. He knew. He was just hoping he was wrong. I felt my heart putter slowly, like it was taunting me, and I looked to him with that nervous feeling.

“You know. I know you know. And if you think about it… if you really did love me… it wouldn’t be a problem.”

I had realized my mood swings with Nick were never expected. Instead of feeling nervous and crying, I was now upset and angry--and crying. I stood from the bed and walked forward slowly, turning around to begin a pace. I shook my head, ridding my mind of all my jumbled thoughts, and tried to focus on the situation instead of the deathly silence.

“When did you even start thinking about this?” he blurted out. I recognized his voice to be angry, his face matching. I was going to stand my ground.

“I don’t know,” I shrugged, biting my lip.

“Well you have to know. Are we talking about the same thing here? Are we really having this conversation?"

“Yes,” I blurted. “What do you think we’re talking about?”

“Sex,” he blurted back, immediately recoiling. I could see his cheeks heat up quite noticeably and he looked a little flustered, shifting again.

Oh man. He actually said it. Now I knew I couldn’t go back. I stayed silent, stopping in my tracks. He looked so confused with emotions; I was sure I mirrored him.

“Why?” was all he asked, his tone snappy.

“Why?” I repeated in disbelief, knowing this was going to be an argument I couldn’t stop. But I could win. I wanted to win. “What do you mean “why?” What’s so wrong with wanting to take that step? This is exactly what I’m talking about! You don’t love me enough to even go there.”

“Do you realize what you’re saying?” he asked angrily, jumping to his feet. “Do you realize that you’re sixteen and that I’m eighteen? You’re not ready for that yet.”

“How would you know? You’ve never even brought it up before!” I shouted, feeling those all too familiar tears come back. “You don’t know what I’m ready for because you never care to ask. All it is with you is rules and responsibilities and age. We’re teenagers Nick, but we’re also adults. If I can almost die than I know for a fact I can-”

“Don’t,” he warned, shutting his eyes. “Don’t even say it.” His breathing was now uneven and I knew he was trying to calm himself. I snorted.

“So… what? I’m too young to even say the word? You know, this is exactly what I’m talking about. I hate this!” I didn’t want to be so dramatic, but it felt as if he were blocking my right to feel the way I wanted to feel. “I know that I’m young and I realize that, to you, I’m nothing more than a kid. But so are you Nick. Instead of telling me what I’m ready and not ready for, why don’t you just tell the truth.”

“What are you talking about?” he shouted, grabbing his face. He groaned in frustration and shook his head, his eyes locked solely on me. “Why are you being this way? Out of no where… we were fine before. We were doing good, but it all has to change.”

“Am I supposed to not talk to you? Do you want me to keep everything inside, Nick? We’re soul mates. We’re supposed to be together, to share everything--to love each other. I get that you never really wanted this and I don’t blame you. It’s easier for me because you’re so perfect. Anyone can love you. But maybe I’m just a freak. Maybe the reason I got stuck with someone as perfect as you is because that’s the only way anyone could love me. Because they have to, because you have to.” My voice quieted down towards the end, when I began to cry again. Maybe that’s what this was. Maybe this was all some sick joke. I was confused, I didn’t even know what I was thinking.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe as I stared at him, my head spinning. My chest hurt, like someone had just stabbed me, and I couldn’t seem to clear my vision, my mind. I gulped and turned away, crossing my arms over my chest. I was surprised by how much softer his voice was, aching at the way it seemed to quiver when he whispered. His voice was so smooth but strained at the same time and I could feel him step closer, but not enough. Why was it that I still wanted, that I still ached for him to hold me even when I was angry with him? Because I loved him. And nothing could change that.

I didn’t know what to do.

“Don’t say that,” he whispered. “Don’t say it because it’s not true.”

“What’s not true, huh Nick? What’s not true?”

“Everything… everything you just said. It isn’t true Lonnie.”

I shook my head and stared down at my feet, the thunder roaring even louder, almost shaking the little house with it’s intensity. I could hear the rain begin to pour, clashing against the window and the door. I felt trapped, I felt alone. I sniffled but let out a sob anyway, trying to control the way my body shook. My glow was still bright and I guessed that it meant he still felt something towards me, but it wasn’t exactly what I wanted to know.

It was silent for another long moment, the words I wanted to speak unclear. I could hear my heart pounding. I tried to swallow, but my throat was dry. My eyes hurt. I hurt.

“You’re just… you’re so confusing,” he breathed, finally breaking the silence. But it was as if he hadn’t spoken. Those words didn’t mean anything to me.

And I had to make a decision. It seemed so horrible, so pushy to even think about being angry with him just because he didn’t want to do something like that, something I was now to embarrassed to think about. But, to me, it meant that he didn’t love me enough to show it. I knew I was probably wrong, but that’s the only way I could see it.

“I’m always so afraid of losing you,” I started shakily, slowly turning around to face him. He was closer than I expected. He was inches away and I could reach my hand out to brush my fingertips over his smooth skin, but it was hard. “But maybe losing you knowing you don’t feel the same way isn’t so bad. You deserve better, Nick. You deserve someone that’s old enough to realize that you’re always right, that the rules are never supposed to be broken, that responsibility is the key to a happy life. I know you can find someone who loves you, but you won’t ever find someone who loves you as much as I do…”

“What are you saying?” he asked nervously, his voice quick. He almost tumbled over his words.

I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes, shaking my head. “You treat me like I mean everything to you sometimes, and maybe I do… but-” I paused, trying to think of the exact words I wanted to say. I was so jumbled, so mixed up. I was insane and I couldn’t stop myself from crying again. The way he looked at me tore me up even worse. His chocolate eyes were wide and alert, his face almost blank. He looked… broken. I couldn’t take it. “But sometimes… it’s as if you don’t even love me at all. And maybe this is my time to just back off for a while.”

I took a few steps back, waiting for him to respond… he didn’t. Setting my hand on the doorknob, he still stayed silent. And even when I shuddered at the sound of the loud rain and thunder when I opened the door--not even the cold air could make him move. I took one last look at his still figure and quickly turned away, slamming the door behind me.

I rushed forward, the rain almost immediately soaking me with it’s large droplets, the sound of the thunder drowning out, not only my thoughts, but my cries. It was like a scene from those movies that made me cry, but it was real. The hurt was real and I couldn’t take it away. What was I really doing? Was I throwing this away--Nick away--just because he wouldn’t agree to what I wanted? Was I really that selfish?

Or was I right?

I kept forward quickly, trying my best to maneuver around the thick roots, but all they did was slow me down. My heart crashed at the sudden sound of his voice.

“Lonnie! Lonnie wait, please!” he called out, his voice sounding almost frantic and hurt. I could hear his feet rushing across the ground--he was lucky I hadn’t gotten far. I was a slow walker. “Please,” he breathed again, grabbing my arm tightly. He spun me around, his face dripping with water… and tears. I shook my head and tried to pull away, but he only tightened his grasp.

His curls were drenched already, his hair sticking to his forehead. My own hair stuck to mine, making it hard for me to see, and my clothes were already cold and heavy. His were too. I stared into his eyes, the burning light in them still there.

“Please,” he whispered again, seeming to repeat it over and over. I blinked repeatedly, trying to get rid of my tears and the splattering rain drops.

“What?” I breathed heavily, swallowing. I could feel my teeth begin to clatter as the wind whipped my cold body, the warmth from Nick slowly creeping up on me.

“Don’t,” he begged, shaking his head. “You can’t do that. You can’t leave me.” His voice sounded so weak, I couldn’t help but stand there and stare. “You have to stay with me. We’re soul mates.”

“Just because it’s a rule doesn’t mean I have to follow it!”

“You’re right!” he shouted after me, the rain drops slipping down his face, making it hard for him to talk. But he yelled anyway, his voice cracking. “You’re right, right about everything. I’m terrible. I’m a horrible person and I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say that!” I shook my head, trying to pull away again, but he wouldn’t allow it. He yanked me closer instead, roughly, his eyes burning intently into mine.

“Why? It’s what you want, isn’t it? I know I don’t deserve you and I know that I’m not the best at this, but you have to believe me when I say I’m trying.”

“I know you are,” I whispered. I knew he was. He was… amazing. I was selfish to think he wasn’t doing enough. “But I just…”

“I need you!” he yelled out, using his other hand to hold his head desperately. “I need you and I don’t have any logical explanation or some thought out reason. I need you because I just plain love you and I can’t do anything without you. Please.”

I could see it. I could believe him, but something told me that I couldn’t break yet. I stared at him, my face as stern as I could make it without crying. His lips quivered as he parted them, blinking repeatedly before he tried to speak.

“I-I love you. I love you and if you just give me a chance… if you really want to… I can show you. I can show you if you tell me you’re ready because I’m not willing to lose you over something I know we both want.”

I felt my breath catch, my eyes dancing around his still perfect face. His breathing was ragged as he stared right back at me, his eyes holding that same sincerity.

“Just…don’t go. Not now, not ever.” I watched him shake his head and lift his other hand, gently cupping my cheek. “You say you’re scared of losing me… so don’t make me lose you. I said I’d work on things; I don’t want to argue so much and I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk to me. I don’t want you to doubt that I love you with everything I have.

“I know the way I proposed wasn’t right. It wasn’t how I even wanted it to be. I wanted it to be special but I was always so nervous… I didn’t think you were ready. But all the while, I was the one who wasn’t ready. I was the one holding back because I was afraid. I still am. I’m afraid that I can’t be what you want. Sometimes I wonder if you ever think about my side. You’re always thinking about whether or not you’d be in my life if this wasn’t who were are… if we weren’t like this together. But I’m always left thinking about if I’d be in your life. Would you put up with me? Would you still love me the way you do?

“That’s when I tell myself that, no matter what, I have someone there. I lied before, when I said you’d be in my life. I don’t know if you would be. I don’t know if I would have ever even looked at you more than once if we even were to meet. But part of me says that I’d always be empty without you. If I never knew you existed, I would have never been able to feel what love is. I’d be alone like I always thought I’d be, like I never wanted to be. But it’s you. You’re the one that I’m here for. There is no me without you.”

I ignored the icy rain drops and the deafening thunder and the stinging wind for a moment, pulling all my focus on Nick. He was pouring himself out in front of me. He was shaking and I was shaking. His grip on me tightened and he didn’t know what else to say. He didn’t know whether or not to keep talking or to just shut up and wait. I found myself smiling. I reached out my shaky hand and touched his face for a moment, gripping his wet curls tightly soon after. He stared down at me with a look I had recognized a couple times before… a look he tried to get rid of quickly, but he left it this time.

His hands lifted after he realized I couldn’t speak and he gripped my face, his hot breath hitting my skin in the cold. And then he pulled me forward, smashing his lips onto mine. That same spark ignited and I realized that I couldn’t question his love for me. I could wonder why and I could doubt it sometimes, but I couldn’t question it. It was all there.

I kissed back immediately, flinging my arms around his neck. His hands slipped down my sides, pulling me tighter against him, lifting me off the ground some. Our lips moved in sync, our bodies sticking together as the rain continued to pour, the sound of the thunder drowned out by my quickening heart beat. I could feel his warm hands clutch me, afraid to let me go. I was afraid he’d disappear. I felt him stumble backwards suddenly, something clicking in him. He gripped my thigh, pulling my leg around his waist before doing the same to the other one, making sure I didn’t fall. He walked us backwards towards the door, his hand fumbling for the doorknob, both of us refusing to break away from the kiss.

I barely noticed when he pulled us inside the dry room, the door slamming when he kicked it shut. I clung to him, my lips breaking away for a moment just to breathe. But he was quick at getting his oxygen and quickly placed our lips back together. I could hear his shoes squeak over the floor, and then the sound was gone after a moment: he had slipped his shoes off. I managed to kick my own off with my legs wrapped around his back, the thud against the floor blending in with the noise from the outside--and our heavy breathing.

He dropped me to my feet and broke the kiss, my breath coming back once again. I took a split second to realize we were standing in the middle of the room before his eyes locked mine. Those butterflies returned, flapping their wings violently in my tummy. Just the way he looked at me was enough to drop me to the floor. My knees felt weak, but I stood strong.

He breathed deeply and reached his hands out suddenly, his fingers shakily grabbing the zipper on my jacket. He pulled it down in one quick movement and pushed it off my shoulders. I shuddered as the cold air hit my cold skin, but my eyes didn’t leave his face. He slid the soaking jacket off my arms and onto the floor, his fingers then curling around the bottom of my shirt. That’s when my stomach did another flop. He hastily peeled the shirt off my body, dropping it to the floor as if it were something that disinterested him. I blushed and grinned sheepishly, lifting my hands, but he was already working on my pants. When he undid the button and the zipper--after his fingers brushed my skin, creating goosebumps--he lifted me up with ease, our foreheads pressing together while I managed to kick off my wet pants. I knew he didn’t want to stare, but when he set me down, his eyes trailed over me; his face flushed.

I didn’t really know what to say. My voice was long gone, replaced by my frantic breaths. My hands gripped his jacket and pushed it off his muscled arms, peeling off his soaked white v-neck shirt next. His muscled chest was tight as my fingers ran across his smooth skin, his eyes locking mine with a mixture of emotions. I reached for his pants but he didn’t let me and grabbed my wrists instead, pushing me back some. When I almost tripped, he scooped me up and walked the short steps towards the bed, plopping me down. I squealed and pulled him down with me, our cold wet bodies sticking together. I didn’t have to shiver, as soon as his skin met mine my glow sparked and my body began to warm up, like it was my own personal fire.

His lips found their much needed spot on mine and his hands rested on my sides, his fingertips slowly grazing over my skin. I squirmed some, latching my hands onto the back of his neck, locking my fingers into his already drying curls. He pulled his lips off mine numerous times, only to place them back on roughly. He was thinking, I knew he was by the way his eyes dimmed when he raised up to look at me. When he pulled up again, I let out a shaky breath, ready when he ducked back down, but his lips met my neck this time. I gasped a little, moving my hand from his neck to his shoulder, my eyes closing when his kisses became soft against my skin. It was like velvet, the way his lips barely traced downward, but then they kissed quickly back up.

These actions were things I had never experienced, but I knew they were something I’d only want to share with Nick. It just felt right.

“You know,” he breathed, his lips still moving across my neck and down to my collarbone. I gripped his shoulder tighter, my fingers tugging at his hair. “This is against the rules.”

“What rules?” I gasped, biting my lip. His hands slid down to my hips, his lips leaving feathery kisses to the top of my chest.

“The council rules,” he muttered, his breath tickling my skin. He glanced up, his cheeks as red as mine probably were. But then he ducked his head back down, his dry curls tickling my skin, and his lips attacked my neck. I squeaked. He sucked on the skin there for the first time, my eyes closing. “Didn’t you listen?” he managed as he lifted, going back down quickly.

“N-no,” I spat out, not bothering to remember anything Eve had said while Nick raised himself up, his fingers gently tracing my skin.

He licked his dry lips and stared down at me, his mind battling his actions.

“The rules for us are that we get married and then we do this…” he trailed off, his eyes scanning down me again.

“So?” I snorted.

“So… we could get in big trouble for this. It’s a rule. If somebody found out…”

“What could they do, anyway? You say you want to pick your future, right? That you want to make your own decisions. Start with this; with us.”

“Us,” he murmured, nodding slowly. His eyes refocused on me and he leaned closer, his lips brushing mine. “You’re sure you want to do this? That you’re ready?”

He was truly concerned and I managed a nervous smile. I knew I was ready.

I slid my hands down his arms and up his back, down his chest. He shivered and let out a murmur, my hands connecting to the waist of his jeans. I could tell he wasn’t too sure but I smiled, knowing that he could see that sparkle in my eye.

I pulled them down and he decided to cooperate, kicking them off slowly. His eyes refused to leave mine though, prompting my senses. He wanted to get something off his mind.

“Nick,” I whispered, resting my hands on his chest. He sighed and looked down, moving forwards to rest his forehead against my shoulder. He muttered something into my skin. “What?” I whispered again, my voice almost inaudible--I had to admit, it sounded somewhat excited. I was embarrassed.

“I’m… I’m just nervous, that’s all. I mean, it’s new… for both of us. What if it's not what you think it is?”

That was one of the sweetest things I had ever heard.

I shook my head and leaned forward, connecting my lips to his softly. He kissed back slowly, his hand reaching up, his fingers twisting in my hair gently. He cocked his head and used his other hand to slide around my back. He pushed tighter against me.

I let out a quiet moan. Moving my hand to rest over his chest, I could feel his heart beat quicken and he brushed his lips over my ear. His lower half pressed harder against mine, his own soft and shaky moan following another one of mine.

“You know I love you,” he murmured quickly, his words tripping over each other. But I heard him clearly; my heart fluttered again.

“I love you,” I replied lightly, staring up at him through my bangs. He wiped them away from my face gently, his full, red lips twisting into a soft smile.

That was all I needed. This was right.