Keep the Faith
Here I Stand
I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
I used to follow these words by heart, I still do because at several points in my life, they were all that I had. They got me through the hard periods of my life, but I'll never forget the night when My Chemical Romance was there with their music to stop me from doing anything stupid.
You see, I met this boy, and he was amazing, he loved me like on one else had ever done, he caressed and kissed me like his life depended on it. I know at a certain point that those kisses and the hugs were my life. Just the small things between us kept me going, even though I only saw him once a week, we managed to build a relationship where everyone looked up to. To them we were one of those couples that would end up getting married, and perhaps, after being a year and a half together, the hope that we would stay together was also present in my heart.
The only thing we had as a difference between us were our bands, he was more into the hard rock and metal kind of music, not really into the rock I was listening to at the moment. I chose not to make a big deal about it all and even tried to get into his music, knowing that there were several bands that we had in common. I can't say the same about him, all he did was berate my favourite bands and diss them. I never found out why, I'm not even sure if I really want to anyway.
Now this boy, never believed what My Chemical Romance had done for me when I first started to listen to them, I was trying to fit in and so, failing miserably but slowly destroyed who I was, My Chemical Romance was there to tell me that it was alright to be an outcast and to stop trying to fit in, if they didn't accept me for me, they shouldn't be accepting me at all. But to him, Gerard Way was just another gay ass emo bitch, you should know that those words hurt when I first read them, they brought up tears in my eyes and I didn't know why, like Gerard cares what other people think of him, but in a way, I felt like they were directed at me too while I knew pretty well that they weren't.
Our relationship began to fade away, no one noticed really, except us and we were both to afraid to talk about it. That's when I almost stopped listening to My Chemical Romance. I don't know why but all of the sudden I started to skip several of their songs whenever my Itunes played them, not feeling in the mood or just not feeling like hearing the songs.
The day he decided to have a talk with me about us is still fresh in my memory, 23d of February 2008, just 5 days before we would reach the status of a year and nine months in our relationship. Of all of our friends, we were probably the only couple standing out that long without a fight, without a disagreement.
He came in my room, just like every other time I met him, he told me we had to talk about us, I started to cry, knowing that was going to happen. He pulled me in a hug, letting me cry on his shoulder before we both sat down on my bed to talk things through. We both knew that it was for the best if we broke up, for him and me, now that I look back, it was probably better for him and only for him because I almost did something incredibly stupid that night.
Breaking up had never been easy on anyone, he had never been much of a person that cried and yet, he had to blink away several tears as we were sitting on my bed, facing each other and knowing that we had just ended our first relationship in our lives. It was hard on both of us but probably harder on me if I look at that day now. He told me not to hold back tears and cry if I wanted, which only made me burst out in them again. That was the last afternoon we spend together, both of our parents were still unaware to the fact that we were no longer together, they would have to find out later.
It wasn't as bad as I thought, at least not when he walked out of my life for the first time, not really planning on returning on the same notion. I had to go babysit that night so I didn't really have much time to go up my room to cry my eyes out. I got ready and was picked up before my mind could even registrate the fact that I was alone in the world for the first time, I was single and I no longer had a boyfriend.
When I came home around midnight, I couldn't handle it all anymore, I walked in the kitchen after putting my stuff away in my room, glad to see that my mother was still awake as always, I tried to act as normal but she saw something was wrong with me and I suddenly burst out in tears, telling her that we had broken up, of course, this is my mother and couldn't stop asking questions about the break up when all I wanted was not to talk about it.
The first night, I couldn't sleep, I had tears falling down my cheeks and my music in my ears. All of the sudden, I just realized, I had to hear this song. I had to hear it, I had to hear Gerard's voice right at that moment, I took the small Creative Zen in my shaking hands and searched for 'The Black Parade' and the perfect song before pressing play.
I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Those words ran through my head once again, I smiled through my tears, knowing that he was speaking the truth, the song probably saved me from myself, and it still does. Too bad the story doesn't end right here.
For the next couple of days, weeks, we barely talked to each other except the occasional chatter on MSN and asking each other how we were doing, clearly he was doing fine, not really bothered by the fact that he had just practically destroyed me. I couldn't bear seeing those display pictures he started to use of him with other girls, putting a name of another girl in his nickname with a kiss next to it, just like he had done with my name when we were still dating.
He started to act like nothing had ever happened to us, like we hadn't dated or that we had never broken up, acting all happy and cheerful around me while in reality, I wasn't. I couldn't even try to act happy around him through the computer, yet he never picked that up until one of my friends talked with him. This friend knew how unhappy I was, I told him about our current conversation and he just slapped me through MSN, not that I felt it but anyway, he told me to talk to him, telling me that I should tell him how I feel about all of this, I was such a coward that I didn't even do that. He did it for me, telling the boy how I was holding up without him knowing that my friend copied everything to me so I could read it too.
I started to feel used, the boy told my friend that he had been going crazy about me and my music and movies, that he broke up with me for his sake and mine before we started fighting. I don't know how I felt but used was one of those feelings, music and movies were my life, I strived to know smaller details than anyone else and I enjoyed finding out things no one else would want to find out, yet, he couldn't stand that but if he couldn't stand who I was, then what could he stand from me? Music and movies were my passion, they still are, and he clearly never accepted at.
Days passed again, I stopped talking to him, those words spoken by Gerard Way still ringing in my ears everytime I thought of doing anything stupid or whenever I felt low. But since it was my birthday almost a month later, his parents came by and so did he, celebrating and holding a small get together with my parent.
I don't know why, I don't know how, but all I knew at that evening was that I was slowly breaking down together with my heart and that it just didn't stop hurtin. It hurt, I realized that. He came over that night, still acting like nothing ever happened and I broke down just in front of everyone, just like that. A small part of me wished that I could've spared it for when we were alone but clearly it couldn't be helped. I don't know what had come over me, they arrived, I was already feeling pretty down for the fact that I realized I would have to watch him walk out of my life once again at the end of the evening but I managed to put up a facade and not let him see that I had a crop in my throat and I was biting back tears.
On some parts of the evening it was harder, watching him and seeing how he didn't even look at me or almost smile at me, it hurts, I love him so much yet he acted like nothing ever happened between us. I'm sure none of our parents caught on, being too busy in their own world of catching up while he was ignoring me and I was trying to hold back tears.
We went to walk the dog, nothing happened, his brother was with us anyway so I didn't have a really good change to talk to him. Now I think of it, I don't think we had a good talk after I broke down in tears in front of everyone and then ran upstairs after a few moments. Yeah, so the rest of the evening was pretty simple, he sat there, ignoring me the best he could and almost refused to look at me while I was biting back tears, it's that simple.
Then the goodbye's came, let me tell you, he has an amazing family, his mother was more of a mother than my own and she treated me like her own, just like his dad but, I just, I hugged his mother goodbye and suddenly kept holding on to her before I broke down in tears and went over to him to cry, burrying my head in his shoulder in a way to hide the tears from his parents and mine.
My mom just told us to get upstairs so we could have some private time so we did, I was sooner upstairs than him that's for sure, trying to stop the tears from falling while I knew pretty well that I couldn't. When he reached my room I was already on my bed, sobbing my heart out before he joined me and I started crying in his shoulder while he rubbed my back and comforted me.
The only advice he could give me was that I needed to get out more, make some new friends, meet new people and be back to my old self but even he knew that my old self was standing in front of him right at that moment. An insecure, easy to break person who locks herself up in her room, trying to escape the world out there. I'm a hermit, I've come to realize that, I probably spend too much time on this computer than I should but sitting here, pouring my heart out to you guys just...it makes me feel better, trust me on that one, I don't know, perhaps its because I'm not talking to you face to face or the little fact that you can't see my crying right now but this is helping me cope in some sort of way cause I talk more about my mental state here than I do to other friends.
And then I was left alone, once again. I saw him walk out of my life for the first time on the day we broke up and today was just worse than that day, I broke down in front of his family, I cried to him and I realized that he probably doesn't love me as much as I still love him. And right there, at that moment, when I was sobbing in my room and telling my mother to leave me alone and if I wanted to talk I would come to her, I just wanted to be alone. I told my friend to promise me to come and get me the next day, my birthday, and make me see that I still had people out there and that I should just have fun instead of wallowing in self-pity. I have to admit that telling her that and making her promise that was mainly inspired by Gerard, he wouldn't have wanted me to lock myself up even though he did the same when he was around my age.
I can't believe how just for a small moment, one boy made me stop having faith in My Chemical Romance, not because of the rumours around Gerard, just around the fact that they weren't there anyway, but they were! They've always been there in the back of my mind, telling me its okay not to be okay, telling me that it was okay to be an outcast, not to fit in and not to be cool because as long as you're yourself, that's all that matters. In the back of my mind, I knew this to be true, yet I didn't believe it anymore. Those two nights in my life were the most important ones in my faith for sure, because it was on those nights that My Chemical Romance came back to me and let me know that it was okay to be messed up because there are five other guys out there, and all of their fans, that are just as messed up as I am and I have to overcome that in order to do what I do.
Mikey, Frank, Bob, Ray and Gerard, even though you might be reading this, you might not be, in my heart, you'll always be those five boys from New Jersey that came to us and made all of your fans believe in you, even if some of them are turning their backs to you now, there is still a number of them keeping the faith in you and we intend to keep that faith, even though we can't always see it, the faith in you boys will always be in our hearts and sometimes we might forget about it, but we know that, if we desperately need it, you guys will be there to pick us up again with the lyrics, the music, the message and just by believing in us.
We'll carry on, We'll carry on
And though you're dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We'll carry on
Until my heart I can't contain it
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
I used to follow these words by heart, I still do because at several points in my life, they were all that I had. They got me through the hard periods of my life, but I'll never forget the night when My Chemical Romance was there with their music to stop me from doing anything stupid.
You see, I met this boy, and he was amazing, he loved me like on one else had ever done, he caressed and kissed me like his life depended on it. I know at a certain point that those kisses and the hugs were my life. Just the small things between us kept me going, even though I only saw him once a week, we managed to build a relationship where everyone looked up to. To them we were one of those couples that would end up getting married, and perhaps, after being a year and a half together, the hope that we would stay together was also present in my heart.
The only thing we had as a difference between us were our bands, he was more into the hard rock and metal kind of music, not really into the rock I was listening to at the moment. I chose not to make a big deal about it all and even tried to get into his music, knowing that there were several bands that we had in common. I can't say the same about him, all he did was berate my favourite bands and diss them. I never found out why, I'm not even sure if I really want to anyway.
Now this boy, never believed what My Chemical Romance had done for me when I first started to listen to them, I was trying to fit in and so, failing miserably but slowly destroyed who I was, My Chemical Romance was there to tell me that it was alright to be an outcast and to stop trying to fit in, if they didn't accept me for me, they shouldn't be accepting me at all. But to him, Gerard Way was just another gay ass emo bitch, you should know that those words hurt when I first read them, they brought up tears in my eyes and I didn't know why, like Gerard cares what other people think of him, but in a way, I felt like they were directed at me too while I knew pretty well that they weren't.
Our relationship began to fade away, no one noticed really, except us and we were both to afraid to talk about it. That's when I almost stopped listening to My Chemical Romance. I don't know why but all of the sudden I started to skip several of their songs whenever my Itunes played them, not feeling in the mood or just not feeling like hearing the songs.
The day he decided to have a talk with me about us is still fresh in my memory, 23d of February 2008, just 5 days before we would reach the status of a year and nine months in our relationship. Of all of our friends, we were probably the only couple standing out that long without a fight, without a disagreement.
He came in my room, just like every other time I met him, he told me we had to talk about us, I started to cry, knowing that was going to happen. He pulled me in a hug, letting me cry on his shoulder before we both sat down on my bed to talk things through. We both knew that it was for the best if we broke up, for him and me, now that I look back, it was probably better for him and only for him because I almost did something incredibly stupid that night.
Breaking up had never been easy on anyone, he had never been much of a person that cried and yet, he had to blink away several tears as we were sitting on my bed, facing each other and knowing that we had just ended our first relationship in our lives. It was hard on both of us but probably harder on me if I look at that day now. He told me not to hold back tears and cry if I wanted, which only made me burst out in them again. That was the last afternoon we spend together, both of our parents were still unaware to the fact that we were no longer together, they would have to find out later.
It wasn't as bad as I thought, at least not when he walked out of my life for the first time, not really planning on returning on the same notion. I had to go babysit that night so I didn't really have much time to go up my room to cry my eyes out. I got ready and was picked up before my mind could even registrate the fact that I was alone in the world for the first time, I was single and I no longer had a boyfriend.
When I came home around midnight, I couldn't handle it all anymore, I walked in the kitchen after putting my stuff away in my room, glad to see that my mother was still awake as always, I tried to act as normal but she saw something was wrong with me and I suddenly burst out in tears, telling her that we had broken up, of course, this is my mother and couldn't stop asking questions about the break up when all I wanted was not to talk about it.
The first night, I couldn't sleep, I had tears falling down my cheeks and my music in my ears. All of the sudden, I just realized, I had to hear this song. I had to hear it, I had to hear Gerard's voice right at that moment, I took the small Creative Zen in my shaking hands and searched for 'The Black Parade' and the perfect song before pressing play.
I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Those words ran through my head once again, I smiled through my tears, knowing that he was speaking the truth, the song probably saved me from myself, and it still does. Too bad the story doesn't end right here.
For the next couple of days, weeks, we barely talked to each other except the occasional chatter on MSN and asking each other how we were doing, clearly he was doing fine, not really bothered by the fact that he had just practically destroyed me. I couldn't bear seeing those display pictures he started to use of him with other girls, putting a name of another girl in his nickname with a kiss next to it, just like he had done with my name when we were still dating.
He started to act like nothing had ever happened to us, like we hadn't dated or that we had never broken up, acting all happy and cheerful around me while in reality, I wasn't. I couldn't even try to act happy around him through the computer, yet he never picked that up until one of my friends talked with him. This friend knew how unhappy I was, I told him about our current conversation and he just slapped me through MSN, not that I felt it but anyway, he told me to talk to him, telling me that I should tell him how I feel about all of this, I was such a coward that I didn't even do that. He did it for me, telling the boy how I was holding up without him knowing that my friend copied everything to me so I could read it too.
I started to feel used, the boy told my friend that he had been going crazy about me and my music and movies, that he broke up with me for his sake and mine before we started fighting. I don't know how I felt but used was one of those feelings, music and movies were my life, I strived to know smaller details than anyone else and I enjoyed finding out things no one else would want to find out, yet, he couldn't stand that but if he couldn't stand who I was, then what could he stand from me? Music and movies were my passion, they still are, and he clearly never accepted at.
Days passed again, I stopped talking to him, those words spoken by Gerard Way still ringing in my ears everytime I thought of doing anything stupid or whenever I felt low. But since it was my birthday almost a month later, his parents came by and so did he, celebrating and holding a small get together with my parent.
I don't know why, I don't know how, but all I knew at that evening was that I was slowly breaking down together with my heart and that it just didn't stop hurtin. It hurt, I realized that. He came over that night, still acting like nothing ever happened and I broke down just in front of everyone, just like that. A small part of me wished that I could've spared it for when we were alone but clearly it couldn't be helped. I don't know what had come over me, they arrived, I was already feeling pretty down for the fact that I realized I would have to watch him walk out of my life once again at the end of the evening but I managed to put up a facade and not let him see that I had a crop in my throat and I was biting back tears.
On some parts of the evening it was harder, watching him and seeing how he didn't even look at me or almost smile at me, it hurts, I love him so much yet he acted like nothing ever happened between us. I'm sure none of our parents caught on, being too busy in their own world of catching up while he was ignoring me and I was trying to hold back tears.
We went to walk the dog, nothing happened, his brother was with us anyway so I didn't have a really good change to talk to him. Now I think of it, I don't think we had a good talk after I broke down in tears in front of everyone and then ran upstairs after a few moments. Yeah, so the rest of the evening was pretty simple, he sat there, ignoring me the best he could and almost refused to look at me while I was biting back tears, it's that simple.
Then the goodbye's came, let me tell you, he has an amazing family, his mother was more of a mother than my own and she treated me like her own, just like his dad but, I just, I hugged his mother goodbye and suddenly kept holding on to her before I broke down in tears and went over to him to cry, burrying my head in his shoulder in a way to hide the tears from his parents and mine.
My mom just told us to get upstairs so we could have some private time so we did, I was sooner upstairs than him that's for sure, trying to stop the tears from falling while I knew pretty well that I couldn't. When he reached my room I was already on my bed, sobbing my heart out before he joined me and I started crying in his shoulder while he rubbed my back and comforted me.
The only advice he could give me was that I needed to get out more, make some new friends, meet new people and be back to my old self but even he knew that my old self was standing in front of him right at that moment. An insecure, easy to break person who locks herself up in her room, trying to escape the world out there. I'm a hermit, I've come to realize that, I probably spend too much time on this computer than I should but sitting here, pouring my heart out to you guys just...it makes me feel better, trust me on that one, I don't know, perhaps its because I'm not talking to you face to face or the little fact that you can't see my crying right now but this is helping me cope in some sort of way cause I talk more about my mental state here than I do to other friends.
And then I was left alone, once again. I saw him walk out of my life for the first time on the day we broke up and today was just worse than that day, I broke down in front of his family, I cried to him and I realized that he probably doesn't love me as much as I still love him. And right there, at that moment, when I was sobbing in my room and telling my mother to leave me alone and if I wanted to talk I would come to her, I just wanted to be alone. I told my friend to promise me to come and get me the next day, my birthday, and make me see that I still had people out there and that I should just have fun instead of wallowing in self-pity. I have to admit that telling her that and making her promise that was mainly inspired by Gerard, he wouldn't have wanted me to lock myself up even though he did the same when he was around my age.
I can't believe how just for a small moment, one boy made me stop having faith in My Chemical Romance, not because of the rumours around Gerard, just around the fact that they weren't there anyway, but they were! They've always been there in the back of my mind, telling me its okay not to be okay, telling me that it was okay to be an outcast, not to fit in and not to be cool because as long as you're yourself, that's all that matters. In the back of my mind, I knew this to be true, yet I didn't believe it anymore. Those two nights in my life were the most important ones in my faith for sure, because it was on those nights that My Chemical Romance came back to me and let me know that it was okay to be messed up because there are five other guys out there, and all of their fans, that are just as messed up as I am and I have to overcome that in order to do what I do.
Mikey, Frank, Bob, Ray and Gerard, even though you might be reading this, you might not be, in my heart, you'll always be those five boys from New Jersey that came to us and made all of your fans believe in you, even if some of them are turning their backs to you now, there is still a number of them keeping the faith in you and we intend to keep that faith, even though we can't always see it, the faith in you boys will always be in our hearts and sometimes we might forget about it, but we know that, if we desperately need it, you guys will be there to pick us up again with the lyrics, the music, the message and just by believing in us.
We'll carry on, We'll carry on
And though you're dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We'll carry on
Until my heart I can't contain it