Keep the Faith

Dear Hero,

I'm writing you a letter.

You see I like writing letters. I do. A lot. They are a rather enjoyable thing to do when you're alone. I write all kinds of letters. I'm writing a letter to my hero now. I once wrote a letter to my angel. She's golden, truly golden. I once wrote many letters to my lover, my beating heart who loves me no more. I've written letters to friends and enemies alike. Until I almost ran out of people to write letters to. And because my letters are so long and nonsensical, I didn't want to bother a stranger with reading them either. I did try to write a letter to the Ocean. I just didn't know what His address would be. There are many oceans on Earth you might tell me, and many of them have a precise address but none of them is my Ocean. I want to write a letter to the ocean I see at night in my dreams. An ocean so beautiful and blue it has no beginning and no ending. It is a beautiful ocean. I wish you could see it too. Actually if you close your eyes now I am sure you could. It's blue and immortal. But it is everywhere. And how could you write a letter and send it 'everywhere'? I could, but I don't think that the postal office will approve of it. What kind of stamp is required for such a letter?
Maybe I'll never know. Or maybe. Just maybe, maybe I was supposed to write you a letter. I've been meaning to for some while now I think. I never had the ... words to write it? Or the lack of them.
You see I don't like writing letters that hurt people, and I am very much afraid mine might have that effect on you. I am not skillful with words. I know no beautiful words. And my thoughts are ugly.

I am ugly.

You can see me now, I'm naked in front of you. I'm full of bruises and misplaced dreams. And darkness. Oh yes. You know my secret now Hero. I am Dark. I am full of Darkness. It grows in the house of my soul, just like light grows in yours. It spreads everywhere. Darkness is the absence of light the same way death is the absence of life.
Darkness is the closest to death you could get, darkness and dreams. Dark dreams. And when you are darkness and dreams the only thing to do is live in darkness and dreams. Then icy cold dreams and dark sunsets are the only things that feel like home. Then you want to leave, leave the light because the light is too bright. Because you're
afraid of the light just as much as you're afraid of the dark, maybe more. Because you're afraid that your darkness might leak into others... because you need to find home.
Have you ever seen a dark soul? They are easy to spot. Their darkness leaks out and stains the air. You just know. You just know when you're around someone who's Dark, someone who is unworthy and sinful. Hateful and fearful.
Unloved. Unloving.

Maybe I was afraid of you Hero then. Afraid of your reaction when you'll find out that a traitor dared to write you a letter. For a traitor I am.

I betray.
I betrayed you, and my friends, and the Music, and my other heroes and gods. I've betrayed life.

I lost it.
I lose many things. Weight was the hardest to lose but that works out eventually too. I lose keys, and phones, and phonecalls, books and words, sunsets and sunrises, I lose lovers and friends, lose breaths, meaning, love, life... I lose everything, or maybe life is just losing me.
I lost the faith.
You're always supposed to keep it. You're supposed to look after it. Because it's golden and priceless. But I lost it. Lost it again and again.

I don't know why. I have no idea where I've left it.
It just slipped... slipped through my fingers.
I suppose you don't just wake up one day and know that your faith has gone missing. You don't just wake up one day and think breathing is useless.
Maybe you do wake up one day and notice that dreams are better than reality.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know Hero.
I wish I could figure it out. I wish I could... take it back.
Make it better for you and me. I love you. I don't think I love myself but that's not even important.
I want to have faith in you.

But I don't. I don't have faith in living then, I suppose.
Dreams seem more appealing.
I ...

I've lost the words again. I didn't want my letter to turn out like this. I love you too much. I don't want you to be sad when you read this. It's not worth it. I'm not worth it. I just... I think I just wanted to explain.

Losing faith has nothing to do with the music or you.
It has to do with the heart.

I lost my heart. I lost its meaning... so the songs lost their voices too. They became lies and lies and lies to my ears. Painful beautiful lies. Gospels in which I no longer believe. Brilliant dreams I used to dream... when I was dreaming. The memory of what I used to be when I could still see light.
I don't believe anymore. I can't.

You wouldn't want to hear the ugly meaning I've given to your beautiful Famous Last Words.
You wouldn't. You shouldn't.

Are you scared at night Hero? Are you scared of the Dark?
Or are you scared of the Dreams?

I've betrayed you. I deserve no second chance, I deserve no Hero, you shouldn't read my letter. You should burn it. Throw the ashes in the wind.

Forget me Hero. I'm begging you.
Replace the memory of this ugly letter with the memory of others oh-so-kind.
You have so many people who believe in you. You have so many souls faithful and hopeful.
Maybe not happy, maybe not exactly okay, but beautiful and amazing. I see them almost everyday.
They are a pretty sight. Something to hope about. Something to wonder about.
Love them Hero. Love each one of them. Never let them go. They won't either.
Look away when traitors like me come near you, look away and smile. Losing faith has nothing to do with you or the music, it has to do with the heart.

Something's wrong with the heart.

a traitor.

p.s. You made it. They love.
♠ ♠ ♠
Make whatever you want out of it.
It's a letter and I wrote it as a letter. I never did send a letter to him. It's fiction as much as it's not fiction. It's both real and unreal.
Pick whatever suits you best.