Keep the Faith
Through Flames and Ashes
Sometimes it feels like I was the last one to see it – to see the army crumble before my very eyes. I guess I knew, deep down inside, but I tried to smile and hide behind that grin pretending everything was still okay. I tried to shield myself. And probably construct armour of isolation for myself.
When I couldn’t close my eyes anymore.
The disappointed, angry faces lurked behind my eyelids. I mages playing over and over in my mind.
When I couldn’t cover my ears.
Words of loathing echoes in my head. It’s in my head now and I can’t get it out.
Then rage lashed out from the depth of my soul. A fury that had settled a few years ago infested every aspect of my being and threatened to tear me apart. It burned like a wildfire. Brightly. Untameable. I feared it would never fade and all I could think of was: “How dare they? How funkin’ dare they! After all that’s been done for them they turn around and decide to slaughter their ‘hero’.”
It did die down however and my wrath was slowly replaced by desperation. Like the cold months of winter it crept into my heart, making me tremble. I wanted to give anything and everything to make the fans that had turned their backs realize the error of there ways. Just as long as I didn’t have to feel so cold, so cold. So numbed.
Begging.
Barging.
Nothing worked.
And I sank into despair.
How much longer would I be able to take it? I didn’t know. At times I felt I couldn’t bear what was going on. Then I would go through times feeling nothing. Emptiness would seep from somewhere in the mess of dark, tangled thoughts, memories and emotions inside of me. It would find its way through every cell in my body and slither across my mind like shadows stretch out at dusk.
It took a lot of willpower, it took a lot of everything, to struggle my way out of that deep well of hopelessness. But I managed. Somehow I managed.
There really is no reason to struggle, I’ve realized that now. After all it is inevitable. It’s the only thing that is absolutely for certain. But this time it wasn’t goodbye. Because it’s possible, after all, to go down in flames and then rise from the ashes in all your glory like a brilliant phoenix shining brighter than ever before.
When I couldn’t close my eyes anymore.
The disappointed, angry faces lurked behind my eyelids. I mages playing over and over in my mind.
When I couldn’t cover my ears.
Words of loathing echoes in my head. It’s in my head now and I can’t get it out.
Then rage lashed out from the depth of my soul. A fury that had settled a few years ago infested every aspect of my being and threatened to tear me apart. It burned like a wildfire. Brightly. Untameable. I feared it would never fade and all I could think of was: “How dare they? How funkin’ dare they! After all that’s been done for them they turn around and decide to slaughter their ‘hero’.”
It did die down however and my wrath was slowly replaced by desperation. Like the cold months of winter it crept into my heart, making me tremble. I wanted to give anything and everything to make the fans that had turned their backs realize the error of there ways. Just as long as I didn’t have to feel so cold, so cold. So numbed.
Begging.
Barging.
Nothing worked.
And I sank into despair.
How much longer would I be able to take it? I didn’t know. At times I felt I couldn’t bear what was going on. Then I would go through times feeling nothing. Emptiness would seep from somewhere in the mess of dark, tangled thoughts, memories and emotions inside of me. It would find its way through every cell in my body and slither across my mind like shadows stretch out at dusk.
It took a lot of willpower, it took a lot of everything, to struggle my way out of that deep well of hopelessness. But I managed. Somehow I managed.
There really is no reason to struggle, I’ve realized that now. After all it is inevitable. It’s the only thing that is absolutely for certain. But this time it wasn’t goodbye. Because it’s possible, after all, to go down in flames and then rise from the ashes in all your glory like a brilliant phoenix shining brighter than ever before.
♠ ♠ ♠
"Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens." – J. R. R. Tolkien"Our heroes are people and people are flawed. Don't let that taint the thing you love." – Randy K. Milholland