Keep the Faith
Regrets and Forgiveness
She had found out at school, from the person who she convinced herself was her best friend. Aimee had been laughing when she told her, her voice full of sadistic joy at the news.
"Have you heard about Geetard Gay?"
Katie remembered the time when that nickname was used as a term of affection - Just a silly pet name used by a group of fans, meant with love, not as an insult. But then, of course, things changed.
"No. What?" There were a thousand scenarios that ran through mind. Maybe he'd divorced that wife of his everyone seemed to hate so much. Or maybe he had made a complete fool if himself in some public situation - Yeah, that was probably it. It was the sort of thing Aimee would get amusement out of. In fact, the only thing that would please Aimee more would be if My Chemical Romance were over for good.
As much as she hated them, there was a part of Katie that hoped that wasn't true. Somehow the idea of My Chemical Romance not being around anymore made her feel strange.
It turned out what it was was far worse then she imagined.
*****
By the time she got home from school her head was spinning. It couldn't be true. Surely not. It was probably just a stupid rumour that somebody started to taunt the fans with, and it had spread and got out of hand. It would all be fine, she was sure.
The first thing she did was log into her computer and type in the address of the fansite that up until a few months ago she had loved so much. After things were different - when he changed, she had given up on My Chemical Romance altogether. She had left all the fansites and forums, sometimes returning when Aimee was with her to throw out more accusations and "evidence", but that was all. Apart from that, she had never looked back.
She knew that if anyone knew, they would.
She didn't even need to click onto the forums to discover whether it was true. It was right there on the homepage, along with all the news of tours and DVDs that seemed so insignificant now.
He was gone. The saviour of the broken, the hero - A sellout, maybe, but a hero none the less - was dead. And Katie felt as if she had killed him.
Suicide. Gerard Way had killed himself. The idea seemed so foreign and wrong that she wanted to scream. It didn't help that she had a haunting feeling that she was a direct part of the cause.
She had convinced herself for months that she was over that band - They were nothing more the sell-outs, money hungry idiots. And as more "fans" started to agree with her, it only made it harder to shake off the doubt and the loss of faith that she felt for the men she once called her heroes.
She stared at the one My Chemical Romance poster that remained on her wall. The rest she had taken down what seemed like an eternity ago - But for some reason, she couldn't bear to get rid of this one. By now it had been completely ruined - The word "SELL-OUTS" was sprawled across it in thick black pen - but still it stayed on her wall. She felt like it was the only thing that kept her connected to the part of her life when they had been everything.
She had lost the faith. She had moved on. She had never once, in these past months, felt a longing to return to that band. But now she did. Now that it was too late.
She began to sob, every bitter emotion she had felt since she abandoned them all of a sudden escaping her. She was disgusting, evil even, she never had any right to call herself a My Chemical Romance fan in the first place.
She had as good as killed him. She destroyed him, just by being a part of this sick and twisted movement that tried to rob Gerard Way of everything he was.
It seemed that they succeeded. But this, this was not what she wanted! This was wrong, this wasn't how it was supposed to be! All she had wanted was the old Gerard back, the man she had first been enchanted by.
Instead, she, along with an army of others, had created a life of grief and bitterness for everyone who knew him, for every fan who fought for their faith. She had killed him simply because she didn't have the willpower to fight for what she believed in.
"I'm sorry Gerard," she whimpered. "I'm so, so, sorry..."
She closed her eyes. Maybe, when she woke up, everything would be okay again. Maybe she would wake up and it would be the 22nd of October 2006 again, and every one would be excited at the idea of a new album, and this would just have all been a bad dream...
Oh, how she regretted everything she had done and said. She would give up everything, just to turn back time and start over...
When she fell asleep, she dreamed of him. He was there - For the first time, she saw his flaws. He didn't look like the angel she had always imagined - in person, he looked average. He looked human. Yet, somehow he still had an aura which screamed "Hero!".
He smiled at her, a look in his hazel eyes she couldn't place. He carefully lifted her hand and kissed it, before looking back at her and smiling.
"It's okay," he said. " Everythings going to be okay. I forgive you."
Tears filled her eyes again, tears of relief and pain at the same time, tears of longing for what she had lost. But it was okay. He had told her so. Everything was going to be okay.
And for the first time in months, at least for that moment, she believed it.
"Have you heard about Geetard Gay?"
Katie remembered the time when that nickname was used as a term of affection - Just a silly pet name used by a group of fans, meant with love, not as an insult. But then, of course, things changed.
"No. What?" There were a thousand scenarios that ran through mind. Maybe he'd divorced that wife of his everyone seemed to hate so much. Or maybe he had made a complete fool if himself in some public situation - Yeah, that was probably it. It was the sort of thing Aimee would get amusement out of. In fact, the only thing that would please Aimee more would be if My Chemical Romance were over for good.
As much as she hated them, there was a part of Katie that hoped that wasn't true. Somehow the idea of My Chemical Romance not being around anymore made her feel strange.
It turned out what it was was far worse then she imagined.
*****
By the time she got home from school her head was spinning. It couldn't be true. Surely not. It was probably just a stupid rumour that somebody started to taunt the fans with, and it had spread and got out of hand. It would all be fine, she was sure.
The first thing she did was log into her computer and type in the address of the fansite that up until a few months ago she had loved so much. After things were different - when he changed, she had given up on My Chemical Romance altogether. She had left all the fansites and forums, sometimes returning when Aimee was with her to throw out more accusations and "evidence", but that was all. Apart from that, she had never looked back.
She knew that if anyone knew, they would.
She didn't even need to click onto the forums to discover whether it was true. It was right there on the homepage, along with all the news of tours and DVDs that seemed so insignificant now.
He was gone. The saviour of the broken, the hero - A sellout, maybe, but a hero none the less - was dead. And Katie felt as if she had killed him.
Suicide. Gerard Way had killed himself. The idea seemed so foreign and wrong that she wanted to scream. It didn't help that she had a haunting feeling that she was a direct part of the cause.
She had convinced herself for months that she was over that band - They were nothing more the sell-outs, money hungry idiots. And as more "fans" started to agree with her, it only made it harder to shake off the doubt and the loss of faith that she felt for the men she once called her heroes.
She stared at the one My Chemical Romance poster that remained on her wall. The rest she had taken down what seemed like an eternity ago - But for some reason, she couldn't bear to get rid of this one. By now it had been completely ruined - The word "SELL-OUTS" was sprawled across it in thick black pen - but still it stayed on her wall. She felt like it was the only thing that kept her connected to the part of her life when they had been everything.
She had lost the faith. She had moved on. She had never once, in these past months, felt a longing to return to that band. But now she did. Now that it was too late.
She began to sob, every bitter emotion she had felt since she abandoned them all of a sudden escaping her. She was disgusting, evil even, she never had any right to call herself a My Chemical Romance fan in the first place.
She had as good as killed him. She destroyed him, just by being a part of this sick and twisted movement that tried to rob Gerard Way of everything he was.
It seemed that they succeeded. But this, this was not what she wanted! This was wrong, this wasn't how it was supposed to be! All she had wanted was the old Gerard back, the man she had first been enchanted by.
Instead, she, along with an army of others, had created a life of grief and bitterness for everyone who knew him, for every fan who fought for their faith. She had killed him simply because she didn't have the willpower to fight for what she believed in.
"I'm sorry Gerard," she whimpered. "I'm so, so, sorry..."
She closed her eyes. Maybe, when she woke up, everything would be okay again. Maybe she would wake up and it would be the 22nd of October 2006 again, and every one would be excited at the idea of a new album, and this would just have all been a bad dream...
Oh, how she regretted everything she had done and said. She would give up everything, just to turn back time and start over...
When she fell asleep, she dreamed of him. He was there - For the first time, she saw his flaws. He didn't look like the angel she had always imagined - in person, he looked average. He looked human. Yet, somehow he still had an aura which screamed "Hero!".
He smiled at her, a look in his hazel eyes she couldn't place. He carefully lifted her hand and kissed it, before looking back at her and smiling.
"It's okay," he said. " Everythings going to be okay. I forgive you."
Tears filled her eyes again, tears of relief and pain at the same time, tears of longing for what she had lost. But it was okay. He had told her so. Everything was going to be okay.
And for the first time in months, at least for that moment, she believed it.