Crying On A Saturday Night

She was changing. I've had my suspicions for awhile now, but tried to push them away. Charlotte wasn't herself, but then again I hadn't really seen the read her. I had to find out what was going on because if my suspicions were correct, it could be too late if I waited. She was dying, I could tell, and I knew I had to do something about it.

I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I had no other choice. Hell, I should've done this a lot sooner than I was. So, I waited until Charlotte left for school, and I snuck up to her room. I looked for anything unusual, but I didn't really have much luck. I looked under her mattress (who knows what kinds of things kids hide under there these days) but all I found was a journal. I hesitated. It was wrong. But I had justified reasoning, right? I felt that her life was at stake. I think that's a good enough excuse...

I picked up the journal and opened to a random page.

July 07

Nothing much happened today. My mo was a bitch. Like always. I got yelled at. Like always. I swear to God her fucking mood swings will be the death of me. I'm so desperate to get out of this house. I'll call Demetra to make plans just so I have something to do away from this house. I don't care that she's into all this hardcore drug shit. I'm surprised I haven't gotten that far yet, with the way things are around here. Tomorrow will -

I flipped a couple pages, trying to find something relevant that would be a bit more helpful to me.

September 15

I can't believe I'm finally away from Meredith. It'd be a good situation if I hadn't been carted off to live with a guy that I don't even know. He was fucking late tonight when I arrived and I had to sit outside for hours. Nice first impression, jackass. Didn't help much that his friend 'The Great Zacky Vengeance' was trying to get in my pants. Things around here are definitely going to be different, and I don't know if that's one of the best things for me right now. I'm just glad that he at least lives in the same town so I don't have to switch schools. I should've just gotten emancipated and moved out on my own.

I sighed as I finished that entry and kept flipping through.

September 16

So today was eventful. I had cocaine for the first time. I like it, and I'd quite like to do it again. And I met this gorgeous guy Aryn. He's the one with the drugs. We sort of hooked up today and things would've happened if we weren't interrupted. I think that as long as I've got a supply of drugs and a hot guy waiting at my feet, things won't be so bad living with Brian.

I refuse to call him 'dad' cuz as far as I'm concerned he's not a father to me at all. I don't have a fucking father. Just that bitch Meredith. I don't think I'm going to call her mom anymore either, now that she's out of my life.

Well that's a start. She'd gotten into cocaine. But I knew that what she'd gotten herself into thus far was bigger than just cocaine. I flipped the page. There must've been a time where she'd stopped writing cuz the next entry was dated to just the night before.

December 2

I don't know if I even know what I've gotten myself into. Sometimes life seems too much for me to handle but I don't want to be a coward and take the easy way out. I'm too chicken shit for that anyways. Sometimes it really seems that the only thing that keeps me going every day is the heroin pumping through my veins. Its sad that things have come to this. The truth is that I didn't even want to take this this far. But I have no choice but to continue on with them now because if I don't, I'll probably die.

I've practically isolated myself from everyone. My 'friends', my 'family'... actually it sometimes feels like I'm not wanted at home. I knew from the start that things were going to be awkward. There was just no way I could enter this house and have things turn out like a happy family. Sometimes I think things would be easier on everyone if I just ran away. But then I'd lose the slight chance I have at ever getting the one thing I realized I want more than I probably should. I just want a relationship with Brian. I want a dad. I want to be able to open myself up and let it happen, but now everything has gone too far. I'll never get to have that one thing I want and feel like I actually belong in this family. But nothing is going to be like that because I wouldn't let it from the start.

Today I almost got caught. I was shooting up when Brian showed up and knocked on my door. My heart sped up so fast I thought I might have a heart attack. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to hide this anymore. I wish I'd never gotten this way in the first place. Its only a matter of time until an overdose.

I finished reading the entry and didn't even realize that there were tears streaming down my cheeks. I set down the journal next to me on the bed and sighed deeply. I felt like this was my fault. She was sent here for me to keep an eye on here and I failed. If I had just accepted her a little bit more then things could probably be different right now.

I sniffled and wiped my cheeks of the tears that were still there.

"Brian? Honey, where are you?" I heard Michelle call for me. I couldn't find my voice to answer her, so I slammed my foot against the floor a couple times.

"Jesus Brian, this isn't a fucking barn..." I heard her mumble as she came up the stairs. She came down the hall to where I was after seeing I wasn't in our room. She looked at me as I stared down at my hands.

"Brian, what's wrong?" she asked quietly as she came over and kneeled in front of me.

"Its Charlotte. She's--She's doing heroin," I tried to get out.

"Baby, how do you know this?" she asked as she took my hands in hers.

"Her journal. I know I shouldn't have, but I read it. I knew something was wrong. I should have stopped this all while I still could. It was so obvious that something was up, and I didn't get it. Its my fault," I said, trying not to cry. I'm supposed to be a tough guy. Tough guys don't cry.

"Brian, it's not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to make her change what she did. If this is really going on then you need to get help for her," she said, and I nodded before I slowly stood up. I placed the journal back under the mattress and walked out of the room with Michelle. She was right. I needed to do something, and fast.

I used up all my heroin. I needed more, so I got it. Used that up too. Three days was how fast I used it up. Three days. I couldn't get my hands on enough of anything anymore. The drugs didn't even make me feel good now. Not much of anything made me happy. I was a sulking bag of empty emotions. I'd hit rock bottom.

My experiences with drugs reminded me of ecstasy. Did that one too. It makes you feel real good, but when you use it too much your system shuts down. You can't feel anything, and nothing makes you happy. And you don't even care about what's happening to you. That's how I felt. But, there was one thing that I found refuge and emotion in. And it was that piano down in the basement.

So that's what I did. I sat down there at that piano. No one else was home because ever since Brian found me playing the first night I was here, I'd made a point to never play when anyone was around.

My fingers rested lightly against the white ivory, and I just sat there. I couldn't play, and I didn't understand why. It was as if my conscience didn't think I deserved to play such a beautiful instrument. I sat there, trying to will myself to play, but soon became frustrated. I sighed and closed my eyes, and went to grab a spare guitar from across the room since I was too lazy to get my own. I strummed the first chord and a song I learned once started to come out.

"It's four a.m., I'm waking up to your perfume. Don't get up, I'll get through on my own. I don't know if I'm home or if I lost my way into your room. I'm spiraling into my doom. I'm feeling half alive but I know one day you and I will be free. To live and die by our own rules. Free, despite the fact that men are fools. I'm almost alive. And I need you to try and save me. Its okay that we're dying. But I need to survive tonight, tonight."

I sang quietly and when I paused I heard someone coming down the stairs. But I kept playing, needing to finish the song; needing to feel like I'd accomplished something for once.

It was Brian, and he stopped at the bottom of the stairs and took a seat.

"Well excuse me while I get killed softly. Heart slows down and I can hardly tell you I'm okay. At least til yesterday. You know you caught me off my highest guard. Believe me when I say its hard. We'll get through this tonight and I know one day you and I will be free. To live and die by our own rules. Free, despite the fact that men are fools.

"I'm almost alive. And I need you to try and save me. Its okay that we're dying. But I need to survive tonight, tonight."

I looked over at Brian who was looking at me. His eyes looked sad.

"And you touch my hand ever so slightly. We're not ready for this yet. And the deadly look you cast upon me. I won't regret, I won't regret. I won't regret, I won't regret. And I was trying to disappear. But you got me wrapped around you, I can hardly breathe without you. I was trying to disappear. But I got lost in your eyes now. You brought me down to size now.

"I'm almost alive. But I need you to try and save me. Its okay that we're dying. But I need to survive tonight, tonight. Tonight... I'm almost alive. And I need you to try and save me. Its okay that we're dying. But I need to survive tonight, tonight. I need to survive tonight, tonight."

I finished. I didn't say a word before running up to my room and shutting the door, sitting on my bed. I was trying not to cry. I was sick of it. Sick of everything. Sick of the drugs, sick of the alcohol, sick of my so-called friends that did me no good. It seems once you hit rock bottom, you finally realize how fucked up you really are. I was in deep. But I couldn't stop. It was dragging me in, just like I knew it would.

Soon I heard a light knocking on my door before Brian came in. He shut the door and slowly leaned his back against it.

"Look... Char... I know what's going on," he started to say. His voice sounded shaky. "I know about the drugs, the sex... everything. And I don't like seeing you unhappy like this. I don't want you to feel like this is all your life has to offer," he said, and he was quiet. He sighed. "So... I'm gonna help you."

I looked up hastily, my bloodshot eyes open wide. "No. Not rehab. Please don't send me to rehab. I'll do anything," I said shakily, the fear taking up residency in the pit of my stomach. Because 'rehab' to me was like a scary black shadow that would engulf me and destroy me. 'Rehab' was a place where they steal your identity and don't give a fuck about who you are or where you come from. Drugs will make you think like that.

"No. Not rehab. Rehab is shit. I'm gonna help you beat this addiction myself so I can keep a close watch on you. But there's things you need to know. Its not gonna be easy. It might be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. But I can't help you unless you're willing to let me help you. Because it won't work unless you try, okay?"

I sat there, letting all these things sink in, the tears leaking from my eyes. I didn't want to be this way forever...not that the time I would have left would be that long if I continued with this. But I didn't want to be like this ever again. I got up and hugged Brian for the first time in my life. He seemed taken aback, but held onto my shaking body nonetheless.

"I'll try. I promise. Just make me feel alive," I sobbed into his chest.