Oh Baby, I Deserve Better.

A couple months had passed since the death of our baby and nothing around the house had really changed. I was as miserable as ever and Alex was gone more and more, always working with the band. They were supposed to be putting out a new album soon. Laney was around a lot more seeing as how she had quit her job to take care of the newest member to the Barakat family, Lindsey. She was adorable although I wouldn't admit it. No baby would ever be as cute as my baby would have been, he would have been so adorable. Josey was home a lot more now because Laney would look after her while I stayed in bed. I didn't really see the point in faking my happiness for her even though everyone kept telling me it was the right thing to do. It's not like she understood anyways, she had no real concept of death only being four years old. She had been more confused than sad when Alex first told her, he even bought her one of those books that explains things like that to little kids, the books will all the pretty pictures that make heaven sound so lovely and make it seem like her little brother was having the best time ever there. I knew he'd be having a better time if he would have just been born. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why God punished our family so.

It was late one night when I finally heard the downstairs door slam, I figured it was Alex seeing as how he had gone out earlier in the evening telling me he had band practice before their upcoming tour. Heavy footsteps made their way upstairs until our bedroom door was thrown open. He stumbled in before not so lightly closing the door. He was drunk, I could tell from the way he was moving and the smell of strong alcohol that drifted in with him. I was about to say something when I figured it'd be better if i just pretended to be asleep. He stumbled towards the bed, stripping off his clothes as he went, until he was just in his boxers standing on his side. I kept my eyes shut tight as he fell on the bed, immediately curling himself around me and falling into a deep alcohol fueled slumber. Alex hadn't been drunk since high school, since before he had been in rehab. He had promised me when he got out that he would stay clean and I promised him I would bring our child into the world healthy. I guess I broke that promise though with our second child, even though I knew I shouldn't...I let it go.