Cerulean

Blue eyes. His cerulean blue eyes were the first thing I remember when I woke from the haze of red hot pain. I had been slipping out of being human, to wolf, to half-thing. The bone cracking experience less than pleasant for my brutally mutilated body. I had been a normal girl before, with normal grades, normal relationships, normal family, normal day to day rituals. Hell, I had been boring, but at least it had all been normal. However, I knew, looking into his strangely blue eyes, nothing would be normal anymore. Everything was going to be different. I was going to be different. My friends, my family, my relationships, my life, all of it-- all of it would be different. All of it would be strange. As I stared into his striking eyes, I started crying, mourning the life I had left behind me and that was how I began my life as a werewolf and said goodbye to my life as a human.

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I watched as each of them fell onto their knees around me, giving themselves over to the change and for the fourth time in two weeks, I looked into his hopeful eyes and turned away. I wasn't ready for the change, I wasn't ready to give myself over to instinct. Those two weeks of pain, two weeks where I hung between life and death, between mortal and wolf; they had been enough. I couldn't take the uncertainty of my wolf form, the feeling of letting instinct take over was, admittedly electrifying, but also absolutely terrifying at the same time. As a human, I had to have complete control of everything, otherwise panic attacks would ensue.

I walked away from the sound of cracking and popping sounds of bones shifting, breaking, and reforming. The sound brought on images I didn't care to remember. Memories of only two weeks prior, feelings of mind boggling pain, pain so great I almost felt on fire. Albeit I no longer became sick at the thought, the wounds were still too fresh. The memories still too real for me to handle. So to go through the very thing I was so afraid of, well, it wasn't going to happening willingly. Of course, Sam could very easily bring on the change, as Alpha he could make me do whatever he wanted. I was young, my fur was still fresh and compared to him; I was a mere pup. Yet, he didn't, he would just give me a look, one that was disappointment etched with worry. He would just watch me. I glanced back to see if he still did, but I had wandered too far from them and his eyes, no matter how bright, could pierce through the suffocating darkness of the woods.

I walked trying to concentrate on something other than the memories that seemed to fill me whenever I did not consume myself with something else. Something that didn't have to do with the pack, something to remind me I was still human, even if it was only half of me now. Now there was another voice, another me. It was disturbing, yet still strangely natural. I felt as if I had been split in two, each side fighting for their voice. Right now, the human side of me was winning and the wolf was pacing; Waiting for it's turn. I sighed, I didn't know if I would ever be comfortable with the thought of the change. I knew that it would happen sometime, it had to. I had to please both sides of myself. The wolf side of me was patient, but still a little anxious, it was a wild animal and wild animals needed to run and nothing was like running in wolf form, nothing was like hunting. It was just you, focused upon that thing, the scent of it fear filling your lungs, leaving such a pleasant taste on your tongue, a taste of the hot flesh that was to come. Then you would chase and you would move so fast, each force of your stride echoing up your body, pushing you on, and then when you finally caught the animal the sweet aroma of fresh blood would cloud your tongue, leaving you wanting more, and utterly content, just completely and utterly satisfied. I shivered at the thought, the wolf inside me panting with excitement. I felt my skin ripple, hand grabbing the rough trunk of a nearby tree to steady myself, to gain control once more. It took a couple minutes, but I finally reeled myself back in, my breathing labored, but at least there wasn't a tongue hanging out of my mouth, at least I wasn't wild, at least I wasn't dangerous.

It was a new sensation, being considered dangerous. I had always been a bit lanky, long legs, long arms, long torso, long everything and never really put any weight on, nor any muscle. I wasn't anorexic looking, but lithe. I was lithe, not muscular by any means. There wasn't a part of me that gave off the impression, "Stay the hell away from that girl, she may kick your ass." No, I had always been the quiet one, not completely in the shadows, but I sure as hell knew how to fade into them. I wasn't an outcast or a geek, I wasn't bullied or revered. I sat comfortably in the middle of both worlds. Now, however, well I didn't even know where I was now. I couldn't even really find myself a place. I always had a place in the Pack. I knew that and even though that was a small comfort, I couldn't help but wish I hadn't always rested in the middle. I wish I wasn't the girl that everyone knew but didn't really know, because it would have been nice, having someone to really know me. To know that I had changed, that cared where I went. I had just disappeared from my friends lives and they didn't even care.

I sighed, hand going to my temple as the head ache finally hit me, an unfortunate side effect of fighting the change. I slid my way down a large oak tree, the rough bark making small scratches upon my skin. I let my head hit my knees, as waves of pain rolled over me.

"Head-ache?"

I lifted my head, eyes meeting his startling blue, then quickly moving to the forest floor. "Yeah," I nodded, glancing back to where he should have been, back with the others. He was Alpha, to miss a change was frowned upon. "How long have you been following me?" I asked, surprising myself with my brashness. Did it matter how long he had been following me? He was Alpha, he could follow me as much as he wanted.

He surprised me with a smile, instead of a well deserved snarl. "Long enough to see your wolf is restless," he shrugged, crouching down beside me.

"I gave into temptation," I let a weak laugh slip through, hands clenching the moist leaves of the forest floor in pain. I waited for his lecture. I waited for him to ask me why I didn't just give into the change. I waited for him to say something, but he didn't, he just laid a comforting hand upon my shoulder. I let my eyes meet his again. "I'm sorry," I said, through a choked sob.

"You've no reason to be sorry Adreana," he said softly, his eyes kind.

"You're lying. You're just trying to make me feel better, but I see the disappointment in your eyes each time I don't change. The worry that I'm a threat to the pack. So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I can't change, that I won't change. I'm sorry I'm a selfish person or whatever I am. That I don't follow the rules. That I am brash. I'm sorry that I'm crying, but mostly I'm sorry that you got stuck with me, 'cause I'm such a sucky werewolf. I'm sorry," I said, tears now streaming down my face, as I sobbed into my knees.

"Adreana," he said softly, hand squeezing my shoulder.

I shook my head, burying my face into the fabric of my jeans, as my sobbing persisted.

"Adreana, look at me."

As tempting as his eyes were, I couldn't bear the thought of him seeing my face. Seeing how weak I was.

"Please look at me."

It was the "Please" that got me, I lifted my head, my tear filled gaze meeting his serious.

"You're an idiot."

"What?" I asked, eyes wide as I wiped my tear stained cheeks with the edge of my sweater.

"You're an idiot," he repeated, shaking his head, a grin settling upon his lips.

"How?"

"First of all, I'm not disappointed in you when you don't change. I'm disappointed in myself, I'm disappointed that I've not made you comfortable enough in the pack for you to give into your change. I worry that I will not be a strong enough leader to help guide you. Secondly, do not apologize for not changing. I only want you to change, when you want to change. I'll just disregard the selfish comment, cause that's just plain ridiculous. Thirdly, I like that you don't follow the rules when we are in private. I like that you're brash. It makes me feel more real than any formalities ever could. Fourthly, I don't believe you are a sucky werewolf, Adreana, I think your a little disillusioned when it come to the things you think the pack expects of you. I think that you're scared. I think that you're a bit of a control freak. Mostly I think that you think too little of yourself and for that I believe you're an idiot," he replied, blue eyes completely sincere.

"I'm sorry I'm an idiot?" I said through my shock.

He laughed, pulling me into a bone crushing hug. "You should be," he murmured softly.

I sat there my hands splayed against his abdomen, head against his chest, listening to his strong heart beat. I breathed in his scent, something I couldn't describe as anything but warm, like a hot Summer's day, when the forest just smells alive. In his arms, I felt safe. In his arms I felt at home.