I Think We're Falling Apart

"Babe... please. Get up," Matt said quietly, pleading as he kneeled next to the bed in my line of sight.

I had been basically lifeless after Adelle's death. I barely ate, and that was when Matt would practically force food down my throat. I slept all day, slept all night, and when I was awake, I might as well have been sleeping cuz I didn't do anything.

How do you move on when a loved one dies? How do you cope when your only child is killed?

Matt had been just as somber for a few days after Adie's death, but after that he realized it just wasn't healthy. He'd since then been trying to get me out of bed. He'd managed to get me into the shower a couple times. The only times I willingly got out of bed on my own were when I had to use the bathroom and when I would sulk down to the guest bedroom and look at all of Adie's things that had remained untouched since that fateful and unlucky day. And seeing all her things only made everything worse and I would slip into a deeper state of depression.

It had been a full two weeks since my baby was taken from me and already the people at the cemetery were asking about what I wanted engraved on my daughter's headstone. Matt had been gracious enough to tell them to call back some other time when I wasn't as emotionally distraught, and had arranged everything for the funeral.

"Vikki... you gotta get up. The funeral is today. Please," Matt pleaded again, stroking my hair.

I rolled my gaze into focus on his face. He looked sympathetic. Slowly, I sat up trying to please him by doing something, but I only got so far as resting my back against the headboard when my eyes went distant again, a memory flashing into my vision.


I was sat up in bed, with my little newborn baby girl in my arms. She kept squirming and moving her head, looking around but not really seeing anything.

Brian and I had just got home from the hospital and had gotten settled in. Brian was sitting next to me, his chin resting on my shoulder as he looked down at our new creation.

"She's so cute," he said as Adelle turned her head when she heard his voice. Brian chuckled from next to me as she tried to crane her neck to find his voice.

"She is," I confirmed. "I still think we should have named her Evie," I huffed.

"Psh, no way. Adelle is a way cooler name," Brian replied, with a dorky smile on his face.

"It's not fair though," I whined as I looked back down at Adelle, who was keeping focused on the source of our voices.

"Well, you'll get to name the next baby," he smiled and when I turned to him, he was looking at me.

I smiled. "Okay," I said quietly and he leaned into kiss me briefly. We pulled away and looked down at Adie as she cooed. Her eyes kept shutting for small periods of time every now and then, and I could tell she was getting tired.

I got up carefully and laid Adelle down in her bassinette at the foot of our bed. I sat back down next to Brian, resting my head against his shoulder.

"You don't think twenty-one is too young to have kids, do you?" I asked before letting out a yawn.

"No. No way, not for us," Brian smiled.

"Good. I love you."

"I love you too."

I came back to the present and tears were streaming down my cheeks as I didn't move. The memory of seeing her again was too much. And it didn't help that Brian was in it. Thinking about him made me sad too.

Brian and I hadn't spoken since we'd seen each other in the hospital. I wished I knew how he was holding up, because it'd have been harder for him to cope. He didn't have someone to look after him like I had Matt. I had to admit, I was worried about Brian. Probably more than anyone should have been after they left their spouse.

"What is it?" Matt asked, noticing the distant gaze in my eyes.

I sniffled and wiped away my tears. "Just memories," I croaked.

"Come on, let's get you up," he said, and helped me to stand. He led me into the bathroom where he helped me undress, and then let me be while I washed myself.

The gathering steam of the shower and the hot water pelting my skin started to open the floodgate to my memories even more.


Adie was four. She was mischievous, and there was always a twinkle of curiosity in her eyes. She was everything I could have asked for in a daughter. I don't think I had ever felt such a capacity of love for another person as I felt for Adie. Except Brian, but that was a different kind of love.

I was in the shower, lathering up my hair with shampoo, when I heard the door creak open. I waited and listened for further noises and I soon heard the seat to my vanity being dragged shortly along the tiled floor.

"Brian?" I asked.

"Silly Mommy, it's me!" I heard Adie's small voice say with a laugh.

I smiled as I rinsed my hair out. "What're you doing baby?" I asked over the pouring water from the showerhead.

"Noooothing..." she replied, but that always meant she was up to something.

"Are you getting into mommy's makeup again?" I asked.

"Nooo...." she replied. I knew she was, but I didn't really care. It's not like she was endangering herself to anything... Sure, she might poke herself in the eye. That'd teach her.

I finished my shower a couple minutes later and grabbed the towel hanging up, proceeding to dry myself off. I ran the towel through my hair to help dry it a bit, and then wrapped it around my body. I pulled back the curtain and saw Adelle's reflection in the mirror: she had lipstick... most anywhere BUT her lips, a line of eyeliner across the side of her nose and under her eyes, and eye shadow messily swiped on her lids.

She glanced quickly up at me through the mirror and squealed as I jumped out of the shower and dashed towards her. I grabbed her around the waist and squeezed her; not too tightly.

"What're you doin', huh?" I laughed before I tickled her.

"No-noth-ing," she laughed. I smiled and picked her up, hanging her upside down by her legs. She squealed some more as I carried her like that into the bedroom.

"Let me up," she laughed, so I swung her up until she was laying in my arms, and then hoisted her up so she was on my side with her legs around my waist.

"My, you look pretty," I smiled.

"You're silly," Adie chuckled.

"No, you're the silly one, you goose," I said and then I kissed her cheek.

Adie wrapped her arms around my neck and leaned her face to mine, rubbing my nose with hers in an Eskimo kiss.

"I love you Mommy," she said quietly.

"I love you too, my princess."

I stared at the tiled wall of the shower as the now cold water cascaded down my face, mixing with my tears. I quickly showered and got out, wrapping the towel around me and heading into the bedroom.

Matt was getting ready and he had laid out a black outfit for me to wear. I got dressed and finished getting ready, and Matt took my hand in his, leading me down to his car.

He kissed the side of my head before I got in. "Everything will be okay. Just give it time," he whispered. He walked to the other side of the car and got in before turning on the engine and backing out of the driveway.

It was raining, and my dead gaze watched as my surroundings passed as blurs. I didn't focus on anything I saw, and all I could hear was the rain pattering against the roof of the car. We drove past the park, and suddenly my eyes were caught on it. On the swings. And I could hear distant children laughing, from a memory long ago.


I heard Adie laugh as I hung up my cell. "Mommy! Look at what Daddy is doing," she giggled. I turned towards her voice and saw her swinging, and she had her eyes on Brian, who was hanging upside down by his knees on the crossbar that held all the swings up.

"Brian!" I scolded. "Get down from there before you hurt yourself," I said as I walked over towards them.

"Oh come on, I'm not gonna fall. Nothing bad's gonna happen," Brian said, smiling while he hung there.

"I wanna do it too!" Adie cheered. I looked at Brian.

"See? You're teaching a four year old bad habits. Now she wants to do the same," I scolded him.

"Please Mommy?"

"No, sweetie. You'll hurt yourself," I said. Adie pouted and Brian grabbed onto the bar before he slid his legs off and did one of those little flippy things before landing safely on his feet.

"Real smooth, Casanova," I smirked at him as he came and stood with me.

"I know, right?" he smiled, and he leaned in, pecking my lips.

"Mommy and Daddy, kissing in a tree..." Adie started to sing, but she didn't know how to spell the letters. "Mommy watch!"

I laughed and looked from Brian to Adelle, who started swinging higher, though still not that high (it seemed so because she's so tiny). Before I even had time to react, she let go of the chains on the swing and jumped down, stumbling once her feet hit the ground and she fell forward.

Instantly she started wailing out as she cried. I hurried over to her and picked her up. "Where's it hurt?" I cooed to her.

"Right here," she said, pointing to her elbow, which had hit the ground first once she stumbled.

"Awwh... well, that'll teach you to jump down, now won't it?" I asked as she stopped crying. Brian was now standing next to us.

Adelle held out her arm, elbow bent, and pointed at it. "Kiss it better," she pouted to Brian. He smiled and kissed her elbow, and her tears dried up from her eyes.

"Hey," I heard Matt's voice, but it sounded far off. It was only then that I felt the car was stopped, and Matt's hand was on mine.

I snapped my head towards him and then looked out the window. We were in the parking lot of the church the funeral was to be at. Matt squeezed my hand and I looked at him again.

"Come on," he whispered and nodded his head towards the church. I nodded and we got out of the car and headed inside. There weren't many people in attendance; my parents, Zacky, Johnny, and Jimmy, Brian's parents and siblings, Matt, Brian, and myself. Brian was sitting alone in a pew at the front. I walked up to where he was, with Matt in tow by hand, and sat down noiselessly. He looked over at me, and his eyes were puffy and red. I took his right hand from his lap and placed it in my own hand. A tear stole from his eye and fell down his cheek. Brian didn't even bother to wipe it away.

After the ceremony was over, Matt and I went back to the house. The phone rang just seconds after we walked through the door.

"Hello?" Matt answered. He waited as the person spoke, and then glanced at me. "Um, I still don't think this is a god time," he tried to say quietly.

"Wait... let me talk to them," I said. It was the first time I had spoken since that morning when Matt woke me up. He looked at me questioningly.

"Hold on," he said into the phone, and then handed it to me.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Mrs. Haner?"

"Yes, this is her."

"This is James Peterson... I'm calling to-"

"I know..." I cut him off softly.

"...Have you decided on something?" he asked.

"Yeah... I want it to be pink marble. And on it, I want 'Adelle Christine Haner. May 13, 2002 - November 23, 2007.' And under that I want... 'All of my memories keep you near. In silent moments imagine you here. All of my memories keep you near. Your silent whispers, silent tears. Love Always, Mom and Dad.' " I finished.

"Okay. We'll have that engraved sometime within the next week. Thank you," James said, and I hung up.