I Think We're Falling Apart

"I wanna go into the studio with you today..." I mumbled to Matt as I walked aimlessly around his house, my hand dragging along the wall. I had nothing better to do and I didn't want to do anything anyways so I didn't. I still hadn't gone in to work, but that was only understandable after what had happened. I was only going to go to the studio to see if I could get my mind off of all he shit that had happened over the past few weeks.

"Okay, you can come," Matt said, and I looked up at him as he stood by the door, getting ready to leave. There was a smile tugging at his lips. I knew he'd be happy I was making another attempt at moving on.

I walked out to the car with Matt's hand in mine, and I pulled him into a tight hug and just stood there with his arms around me for a few minutes before letting him get in the car, and I got in as well.

"So, who else is going to be there?" I asked as we drove along.

"Just us and the producer. We just have a few more places to mix on the last song before the final mix is laid down on the CD, and then that's it. And then we get it mass-produced and get it out there and go on tour and the fans go crazy," Matt replied, and I nodded before turning to look out the window.

We arrived at the studio and walked inside. Matt was greeted by the producer. I didn't know his name, but he must have known me because he did a double-take when he noticed I was with Matt. Instantly, he and Matt were deep in conversation and I just followed them where they went with Matt's hand closed around mine. We ended up in this semi-small room with a mixing board, and I noticed a red couch against the wall.

"You can sit there if you like," Matt said quietly into my ear before kissing my cheek. I nodded and sat down. It was quite comfortable.

After a few moments of Matt and the producer fiddling around with songs and changing and re-changing certain pieces, I became rather bored. I quietly stood up and walked behind Matt, leaning down to his ear.

"I'm gonna go walk and look around and stuff," I said quietly. Matt turned his head toward me and nodded in acknowledgement before I left the room.

I found their actual recording room, or at least the room outside it, and the walls were lined with various guitars and basses, and there were a few photographs pinned to the wall of the guys in the recording room. I stopped at one of Brian. He was playing on his guitar, the headphones over his ears, and he had a look of utmost concentration in his eyes. I kind of smiled at it, and then walked on.

I walked through almost the entire studio before heading back. When I re-entered the mixing room, Matt was talking into my cell phone which I had left right there on the table.

"...Are you okay, man?" he asked, a look of confusion and concern on his face. He looked up as I walked in. "...Vikki just walked in... Do you want me to put her on?... Okay," he said, and then handed me the phone. "It's Brian," he said.

"...What's he want?" I asked.

Matt shrugged. "I don't know, but something's not right."

I put the phone to my ear. "Brian?" I asked into the mic. I heard a sniffle and then a cough. "Hey... it's me. Are you okay?" I asked, my voice lacing with worry.

"I'm sorry," I heard Brian say, but it wasn't his normal voice. It sounded like he was crying again.

"...Sorry about what? What happened?" I asked, slowly sitting on the couch, Matt taking a seat next to me.

Brian sniffled again. "Vik... I love you, I'm sorry," he said again and I heard a distinct click in the background. It wasn't the line being cut off because I could still hear Brian sobbing.... It couldn't be a....

"Brian," I said, my voice shaking.

"I just wanted you to know that I've always loved you, and I'm sorry for everything I've ever done to hurt you."

My eyes widened. He couldn't... "Brian..." I said, louder and full of more force, but it was no use. The line went dead.

"Shit..." I said as I stood up quickly, shoving my cell into my pocket. "Matt, get in the car and take me to Brian's," I said shakily.

"Is everything--"

"He's got a gun, Matt! I don't know how much time we have left," I said hurriedly before I dashed out of the studio, Matt hot on my heels. It took less than five minutes to get to Brian's house and I was already fretful that we were going to be too late.

Matt hadn't even parked the car in the drive and I was already running into the house, dreading that I might have found a dead body sprawled across the living room floor. Thankfully the living room was empty. I searched through all the first level rooms quickly before I headed up to the second floor. Matt was following me by then. When we got to the top of the stairs, I directed Matt to go down one end of the hall while I went down the other, toward my old bedroom.

It's amazing to think that in circumstances like those, you finally realize how much someone can mean to you. If Matt and I were too late and Brian was dead, I didn't know what I'd do. Up until Matt, Briand and Adelle were really the only family I had. And as much as I hated to admit it to myself, a part of me still loved Brian. But the other part of me... did I love Matt? Did I seriously emotionally love him? Or was it just the physical relationship I was looking for?

I finally made it into the bedroom, and I gasped in shock and leaned against the wall. Brian was standing in the middle of the room with his eyes shut tight, tears streaming down his cheeks. His whole body shook, causing the barrel of the revolver to jam awkwardly against his temple every second or so.

"Brian," I whispered. His eyes snapped open and he looked at me, and just broke down.

"Don't try and save me. It's too late for that," he sobbed, pressing his empty hand against the side of his head, as if to keep it pressed to the gun.

"Please, Brian, give me the gun," I said, my own body beginning to shake in fear. I'd never be able to live with myself if I saw Brian kill himself; if I actually became witness to it.

"I can't, Vik... I just can't."

"Yes you can, Brian. Please, just... give me the gun," I begged as I tried to step closer. "You don't want to do this," I whispered, holding out my hand.

"I have to. This is my punishment," Brian sobbed, shaking his head 'no', the smooth metal of the gun pressing harder to the skin of his temple.

"Why? What did you do to deserve this?" I asked, tears starting to leak from my own eyes.

"I was a bad husband and a bad father. I was never there for you and Adie. Ever. And all the while, you and Adelle were my only two reasons for living. And then I lost you, and now Adie, and now I have no one and there's no point in staying any longer."

"Don't talk like that, Brian. You have plenty to love for. You have your friends and the band, and your music. And yourself," I tried to reason with him.

"BUT I DON'T HAVE YOU, VIK! That's all I want... Just you. And I've ruined it all. It's over. It's over," he cried, and his grip on the gun loosened as his body convulsed a little where he stood.

"Brian, please, give me the gun. I don't want you to do this," I said, and I heard a slight movement behind me. Matt. He'd been standing there almost the entire time Brian and I had been talking. "As much as you may not realize, Brian, there is a part of me that will always love you, no matter what you've done. It's something I can't help. And I can't let you do this to yourself," I said, and Brian continued to cry, and I took a step closer to him, my hand still outstretched for the gun.

"I'm going to tell you something, Brian. Something I've never told anyone before, not even you. When I was thirteen, I had a friend. She always looked like she was happy, on the outside. But on the inside... she wasn't.

"I found out one day that she was cutting herself. At just thirteen years old. She left like I was the only friend she could trust because after that, her other friends completely freaked out and turned their backs on her. I couldn't figure out why they would do that to her when what she needed most were the people who cared for her to be there. So that's what I did. I was always there for her.

"A year passed, and things seemed okay. Until she pulled me aside one day and pulled up her sleeve, revealing many marks of torn skin, still red. She looked up and told me that she couldn't stop and she didn't know why. I didn't know what words I could have said to make anything feel better for her, so I just held her, and she broke down in my arms.

"She made me promise that I wouldn't tell anyone what she had done. I made that promise, and it was the one promise I should have broken. She killed herself a few weeks after that, and it was all my fault. I didn't have to keep that promise. I could have gotten her help, but I didn't, and she died because of my foolishness.

"I made that mistake once already, and I'm not gonna let that happen again, Brian. I'm not gonna let you do this. I won't turn my back on you. Please... please don't do this Brian," I said, and by then I was sobbing myself. "Give me the gun, I'm begging you."

Brian's tears had not faltered the entire time he stood there before me, and he stumbled back until he was leaning against the wall, and slid down. He dropped the gun at his side, and put his face in his hands.

I scrambled over to his side, took the gun, and slid it along the floor to Matt, who picked it up.

I pulled Brian to me, cradling him. "Thank you. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you did that," I whispered as he cried into my chest. "No matter where I am, I am always on your side and I'm always here. Remember that," I said, my tears spilling down my own cheeks.

I looked up at the doorway, and noticed Matt was gone. I didn't want to leave Brian alone when he was in such a vulnerable state, but I didn't want Matt to leave without me saying something first.

"Let's get you in bed," I said to Brian and I helped him up onto the bed, where he buried his head in what used to be my pillow. "I'll be right back, I promise you," I whispered to him.

I ran out of the room and down the stairs, all the way out to Matt's car. He was sitting in the driver's seat, just staring ahead. I stopped next to his side and opened the door.

"Please don't be mad at me," I said, wiping the tears from my eyes.

"Why would I be mad? You just saved my friend's life," Matt replied, slowly turning to
look at me.

"No... I mean... about what I said. That I still loved him. Please, don't be mad. I mean... you -- you know how it is. Isn't there still a part of you that will always love Val no matter what you do about it?" I asked, becoming breathless.

"It's okay Vikki. I understand. With Val and me, it's not so much because it's been a long enough time. But... you and me, we're a new thing, and ... I just -- I understand. I'm not mad, and you don't have to apologize," Matt shrugged.

I tried to smile. "Thank you."

"Just... God, there's something I have to say, but I can't... and I --" Matt said, but trailed off, playing a hand nervously on the steering wheel.

"...What is it?" I asked, pressing to know.

He shook his head, and smiled. "Nothing. Don't worry about it."

"Okay... Look, he's really unstable in there... I can't leave him alone, and--"

"I know.. Go. Make sure he's okay," Matt said, smiling however somberly at me. I nodded, and leaned in to kiss him hard but brief, and then backed away. "Thank you... You don't know how much this means to me," I said, and then shut the door to his car.

I headed back inside to take care of Brian, not knowing then that after that night, I would only tangle the web of confusion that I had gotten myself into. That I had gotten all three of us into. And if I knew then what I know now, I'd have stopped it all before anything happened that night.