I Think We're Falling Apart

The days came and went. Life back with Brian wasn't what it had always been before, but then again, I didn't expect it to be in the first place. It was different actually, having him around every day. And the fact that he wasn't drinking made home life ten times better than what it used to be. But Adie was missing from the picture, and nothing would ever go back to normal because of that. And then there was something always on my mind. I knew it shouldn't have been on my mind if I really wanted my relationship with Brian to work. But I just couldn't help myself. I found that almost every moment of the day, I would be thinking about Matt.

What was he doing? Who was he with? Was he okay? Was he getting along fine without me? Did he miss me, and think about me at least half as much as I thought about him? ... Did he still love me?

All of these thoughts would distract me from the day. I wasn't sure if Brian could tell I was distant or not, but sooner or later he would have to realize that I wasn't totally there. He wasn't that stupid.

And then I started to get sick, which was a real pain in the ass because I had started going back to work; trying to get back into the swing of things. I tried to convince myself that it was just the flu or an anxiety or stress-related sickness that would go away once my life was back to normal... or at least as close to normal as it ever could have gotten at that point.

All of the circulating thoughts about Brian and matt kept me off-track when I was at work. When my patients would be sitting there, spilling out their thoughts to me, I wouldn't be paying attention. And it was so frustrating. I'm sure most people had to know what it was like to be torn between two people they loved. Right? Was I the only one? Was I alone in this?

And then the sickness kept getting worse.

I felt my stomach lurch, and I quickly got up from my seat behind the desk. I ran to the bathroom in my office and threw up, thankful that I didn't have a patient at the moment. It'd be way too embarrassing for me to handle.

Apparently, my retching was a bit louder than I thought, because as I was gasping for air, kneeling on the floor, I heard a knock on the door.

"Hey... are you alright in there?" I heard Rhiannon's voice come through the door.

I coughed, and stood up, flushing the toilet. "I'm fine, I'll be out in a second," I said feebly. I swished some water around in my mouth before spitting it into the sink, and then straightened myself out before I turned and opened the door. Rhiannon was still standing there, a look of worry on her face.

"Are you sure you're okay? You look a bit pale," she asked again, placing her hand on my forehead, checking for a fever.

"I'll be alright. Must've just been something I ate," I suggested, since I had already eaten lunch that day.

"...Okay. But if you need anything I'll be at my desk okay?" she asked. I went to nod, but the pent-up stress inside me forced an unwanted tear to slip down my cheek. "Hey, what's wrong?"

I sniffled, and more tears spilled from my eyes. "I don't know. Just... I'm so confused and I don't know what to do," I shrugged, wiping the tears away as best I could without smudging my makeup.

"Come and sit down. I'll listen if you wanna talk," she said, and she sat in my chair. I smiled at that; reversal of roles. Rhiannon shot me a cheeky smile in return. I took a seat on the couch and just rested my face in my hands a few moments before I took a deep breath and sighed.

"You're the best person to talk to about this... since you kinda know what's been going on," I started, and Rhiannon nodded. "So I left Brian, and I lived with Matt for about a month or so... And as much as I tried to stop it, Matt and I kinda... hit it off. Maybe a little too well. Cuz I got attached... and he got attached. And then the whole thing with... Adelle happened and he was there for me and then things went totally out of control because Brian tried to kill himself about a week and a half ago," I said, and I looked at Rhiannon, who had a look of shock on her face.

"And he called me to say he was sorry and hung up, and I got there and talked him out of it. I stayed with Brian that night to make sure he was okay... and... we...." I said, swallowing the lump in my throat.

"...You shacked up while you were still with Matt?" Rhiannon finished. As much as I didn't want to, I laughed through my tears and nodded.

"Yeah. And he wanted to start over and be a family again. And I just couldn't say no. A part of me wanted that too. But a part of me loves Matt. And I know that's what it is. I heard him say it too, and things are so confusing I just have no idea what's up and what's down. And I'm getting nauseous from the nerves I think.... I hope," I said, gazing off at the floor.

"...What do you mean, you hope?" she asked slowly, almost as if she were trying to hint at something.

"Well..." I sighed. "I think I might be sick because.... No, just forget about it," I said, biting at my nails.

"No, tell me. What do you think it is?" Rhiannon pressed.

"I think I might be pregnant."

After getting out of work that day, I stopped at the pharmacy and picked up a pregnancy test. I had to know for sure, because if I was, I had a lot more on my plate than just being pregnant and my conflicting emotions.

I took the test, thankful that Brian was not home at the time, and waited. It only took a minute or so but it took me longer than that to actually work up the courage to look at it. I didn't know what I would do if I was pregnant. How would I know whose it was? I didn't know how far along I would be with the baby so it could have easily been Matt's, even though I hadn't slept with him in at least two weeks. And it could have been Brian's just the same, because of the night he wanted to kill himself.

And if I was pregnant, how would I find out whose it was? It'd have to be a paternity test, no doubt. But telling either one of them that they might be the father was devastating. I didn't want to raise false hopes. And whosever child it was would sway my emotions toward them.

Did I want to just forget about Matt completely, and move on with Brian? Did I want to become even more attached to Matt, and ruin what Brian and I had been trying to rebuild? Did I want to break either of their hearts?

No.

Then again, Matt always was the understanding one. I could've possibly gone to him and told him of my doubts, and he might understand.

I decided to just suck it up. Either way, someone was going to lose. And I might lose too, depending on which angle I came from.

I stood up and looked at the pregnancy test. I took a shaky breath and ran my hands down my face, trying to hold the tears in.

I placed the test back in the box and placed it in my purse.

Brian didn't need to know.