I Think We're Falling Apart

Matt and I went back to his house after the bomb was dropped about the baby. We didn't say much to each other. I knew inside Matt was happy though. I remembered back to the first night I spent living with Matt and what he'd told me. He and Val split because he wanted kids. Looks like he'd get his wish after all.

I had paced back and forth for many minutes, running my hands down my face, not believing this was happening. How was I going to tell Brian? And how would he take the news? After pacing for over twenty minutes I sat down on the couch next to Matt with my head in my hands.

But sitting wasn't enough. I had a nervous habit of always needing to move to keep from freaking out. So I stood back up, intending on pacing back and forth again, but felt a hand in mine pulling my back down.

"Vikki, you need to sit and relax. The baby doesn't need anymore stress," Matt said, holding my hands in his.

I turned to face him. "What am I gonna do Matt? How is this gonna work?" I asked, my voice cracking. "Brian's going to flip. I don't know if I can handle this," I said, my legs shaking.

"You'll be fine. Just settle down before you hyperventilate again," he said, pulling me into him. He started to rock me, trying to help me calm down. He was right; a panic attack wouldn't be good for the baby. I now had a responsibility to someone other than myself.

"Matt.... what am I gonna do? I don't want to have to choose again," I said, pulling away from him.

"Then you won't have to choose. I -- I'll do this for you. Just... tell Brian the baby is his, and everything will be okay. You don't have to leave him," Matt said.

"What?" I asked, looking at him, disbelief written on my face.

"...I'm backing down. You don't have to worry about me. I'll be fine. I'm just going to walk away, and you won't have to worry about anything but you and Brian," he said calmly.

"Matt, I can't let you do that."

"No, just listen. Brian can raise my child, and I won't interfere with your lives again, and things can all go back to normal. Brian can have his family. Everyone wins."

"Everyone, except you," I whispered, looking up at him. "Matt, things just can't be that easy. I know this is what you've wanted for a long time. I don't want you to have to give up your rightful place as the father just so I can be happy."

"I don't want to ruin this kid's life. I don't want it to have split parents. It'll be better for it this way. I don't care about me. I only care about you and this baby," Matt said, still keeping his cool. But I could see it in his eyes that this was tearing him up. I honestly couldn't believe we were having that conversation at all. No one should ever have to do what Matt was doing to himself.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked, and Matt stood up and started to pace where I had previously been.

"I don't know... Because I want you to be happy," he said, and he stopped and looked at me.

"You can't give up the things you want just for me, Matt," I said, begging him with my eyes to sit back down and talk sense again.

"Then what do you want me to do? Because I'll do it," he said, shrugging.

"I want you to be there for this child, no matter what my decision is. I want you to keep this child as yours. It's a part of you. You can't just give it up to Brian," I said, standing up and getting close to Matt.

"Then I will do it for you. No matter what you choose, I will always be there. I love you, and I will love our child no matter what. And, if you choose to be with Brian, then that's okay. If things don't work out with him again, you always have a place to stay. And I'll be here for you, and we can see what happens," Matt said, pressing his forehead to mine. I closed my eyes and nodded. "But you have to make that choice, right now. It's either me... or him; you can't have us both."

I nodded again. "I think I've finally done that now," I whispered. He looked in my eyes, and he knew then who I had chosen. Now all that needed to be done was tie up the loose ends.

I sat on the couch, waiting for Brian to get home, in complete silence. I didn't even pick up my head or turn to him when I heard the door open.

"Hey," he smiled and set his keys on the table. I didn't reply, so he came over and stood in front of me. "Is everything okay?" he asked as he looked down at me. I shook my head 'no' and wrapped my arms around myself. "What's wrong?" he asked softly as he sat down next to me on the couch.

"I'm pregnant," I replied and looked at him. A smile instantly graced his lips.

"Vik, that's great!" he said. "Now we can have a new family and get back to where we used to be." I looked away from him and licked my lips.

"No... we can't," I said.

"Why not?"

"Because.. it's not yours," I replied and looked at him again. He looked purely crestfallen.

"What do you mean it's not mine? How could it not be? We've been back together for over two months now... Did you cheat?" he asked, worry flawing his face.

"No... I didn't cheat. I'm almost three months along. It was conceived before you and I got back together," I explained.

Brian looked at me, confused for a second, before it hit him. "Matt?" I nodded. "How long have you known you were pregnant?" he asked, and I could hear the underlying tone of anger in his voice.

"Awhile... like right after you and I were together the first week," I mumbled.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I didn't know how."

"But you told him," he pointed out, snapping at me with his voice.

I closed my eyes and sighed. "I didn't want to get your hopes up."

Silence.

"You're uh... you're not staying... are you?" he asked, eyeing some bags of my things by the bottom of the stairs.

I nodded and looked at Brian again. "I'm sorry."

"Nah... don't be. I kinda had a feeling you weren't totally here," Brian shrugged, his attitude almost taking a 360 degree turn, but I could still tell he wasn't happy about it. "...Do you love him?" he asked, looking straight at me.

"I do," I replied, and stood. I looked down at my ring finger, the two silver bands looking back at me, and I reached down and slipped them off. I grabbed Brian's hand in mine and placed the rings in it, closing his fist around them. "You'll find someone that loves you too, Brian. It's just not me anymore. I'm sorry," I apologized.

He opened his hand and looked at the rings resting in the middle of his palm. "So... this is it? We're done?" he asked, looking up at me as I stood before him. I nodded and leaned down to wrap my arms around Brian in our last hug.

"Well, I hope you guys are happy. Don't let him treat you bad, or I'll come and beat him," Brian said, attempting a smile.

"Thank you for understanding," I said, and I went to the stairs, grabbing my three bags, hoisting one onto my shoulder.

I grabbed my keys and took the key to the house off the ring, placing it on the counter, and put my hand on the door knob, turning to take one last look at the house. Brian was still on the couch.

I had to admit, I'd miss it there. Brian and I shared seven years of our lives in that house together. There were so many memories; some good, some bad. But I held no regrets in my heart, and I stepped out the door, shutting it behind me.

It was hard for me to make that decision, but when I was talking to Matt, something finally made sense to me. Brian had his chance once already. It was time to move on. I had to be there one-hundred percent for Matt and this baby, so that was what I did.

It was just time to move on.