I Think We're Falling Apart

As far as I was aware, my threat to leave Brian had worked. Sort of. Okay, so it didn't really work at all. He still went out and drank, probably because he was mad at me. And yet I just couldn't follow through with it. There were days when I'd say to myself: "Today's the day. I'm gonna leave him, and he's not gonna stop me." But then something in my head would push those thoughts away. And I'd always tell myself that the next time he messed up, that was it. But the next time came and went, as did the next time after that, and I never left him. I wanted to leave, I really did. But I don't think I could take Adelle away from her father. She loved him. ... I loved him. I just couldn't understand what was wrong with me.

I woke up and started getting ready for work, getting Adelle ready for school as well. As she sat in the kitchen, eating her cereal, I went into the living room where Brian was asleep on the couch. He'd come home after drinking last night and knew it'd piss me off, so he slept down there on the couch.

I shook him awake, and finally his eyes opened and he looked up at me. "Brian, if I tell you something important, are you going to remember it?" I asked.

He yawned and looked a little more awake. "Yeah," he mumbled.

"We have to be at the school at 3:30 today for Adie's parent-teacher conference. I need you to be there," I said to him.

"Alright. 3:30. I'll be there," he said before he yawned again.

I walked back into the kitchen and write the information down on a piece of paper, knowing he'd forget anyways, and placed it on the coffee table where I knew he'd find it when he woke up again, since he was already back asleep.

I finished getting ready and then went out to the car with Adelle. I dropped her off at the elementary school and then continued my way to work. Who knew that today was the day my life would change?

I arrived at Adelle's school around 3:20, and found a place to park before I entered the building. I went down to Adelle's teacher's, Miss Klapaski's, room and waited outside as another conference finished up inside. All of the children had already left the school, and the halls were quiet.

After awhile I looked down at my watch, which read 3:36. Brian had yet to show up, but I suppose it didn't bug me too much considering the conference was still going on and was running late anyways. Finally, the parents left and Miss Klapaski was at the door. She greeted me, and I entered the room.

"Is your husband going to be here as well?" she asked as we sat down at the round table in the back of the room.

"Yes, but he's running a bit late," I replied.

"That's okay. I can wait a couple minutes for him to arrive," she said and smiled warmly at me. She then went over to a filing cabinet to retrieve Adelle's file. A couple minutes later I looked up at the clock on the wall. It was 3:40, and Brian still wasn't there.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Haner, but I'm afraid we'll need to start whether he shows up or not," Miss K said, and I slowly nodded my head as I looked down at the table.

"Now, your daughter Adelle is a very bright student. One of my finest, actually," she started to say. I smiled; Adelle was pretty damn smart, for being only 5.

"But... I can't help but wonder if there are... problems at home," she finished. My face fell.

"What do you mean?" I asked, even though I knew perfectly well what she meant.

"Well, the other day, I asked my students to draw a picture of their family. Adelle's struck me as... different," she said, and then pulled out a piece of paper. She set it down on the table in front of me, and I looked at it.

It was of Adelle, Brian, and me. But Adelle was in the middle and Brian and I were far away from each other on opposite sides of the paper. I looked closer and realized that the Adelle drawn on the paper was crying, and that I looked mad. Brian's face wasn't even drawn. He was just...there.

I kept looking at the picture, fully realizing what was happening to my little girl. The fighting was tearing her apart, and I felt like shit about it.

"Mrs. Haner. Are you and your husband having trouble at home?" the teacher asked me quietly. I just looked up at her with a blank stare.

On the car ride back to work, I let the tears fall down my face. Maybe the best thing for Adelle was to leave Brian. At least she'd be away from the fighting. And its not like I'd never let her see Brian. I couldn't do that to her. But things definitely needed to change.

I was going to leave him. For real, this time.

I got out of work at 5, and as I drove home I went through all the scenarios and all the things I would say to Brian once I got home, if he was even there at all. A part of me wanted him to be home, so I could give him a piece of my mind. And then the other part of me hoped he wasn't home, so I could just leave without starting a fight. But either way, I was glad Adelle wouldn't be there to witness anything. I'd have to explain to her later what was going on, and I was dreading the thought of it already. But I had to do this. It was the end of the line. This was really happening. This was it.

I arrived home, and saw there were a couple lights on inside. Brian was home. I was going to have to face him. I parked the car and slowly walked inside. I didn't bother removing my shoes this time. There was no need to.

I looked around for any sign of him. He wasn't in the kitchen or in the living room. I looked to the coffee table. The not I left him, reminding him of the parent-teacher conference, was no longer there. I felt my anger rising. He knew what he was supposed to do today. He just decided not to show up to make me look like a complete idiot.

I went up to my room to start packing some things of mine so I could leave. The bathroom door in my room was open and the light was on. I peered inside.

Brian was sat against the wall, his knees pulled up, and his head resting in his hands. There was an empty bottle of whiskey sat next to him.

He must've heard me come to the door, because he looked up. His eyes were completely bloodshot and puffy. I think he'd been crying.

"You blew me off to go drinking again, didn't you?" I spat as I crossed my arms over my chest. He shifted his gaze away from me. He always did that when he knew he was in trouble.

"You told me you'd be there. I even left you a note. And yet you still fuck things up, don't you? Can't you do anything right?" I asked; he rubbed his hands over his face. And that's when I saw it.

".... Where's your ring?" I asked slowly. I mean, its not like I was divorcing him. I guess all I needed was some time away from him, until things cleared up.

I saw him look up at the counter by the sink. I followed his gaze with my own and saw the silver band sitting there on the countertop.

"Why'd you take it off?" I asked.

He sighed, before he finally said something. "Because I don't deserve to wear it after what I've done," he said quietly. The sound in his voice told me something was up.

"... What are you talking about?" I asked, not sure if I really wanted to know the answer.

He looked over at the wall and I saw a tear slip down his cheek. "... I--I cheated," he mumbled, but I understood him perfectly.

I felt my face become heated. My heart stopped beating when he uttered those words. I couldn't cry. I wouldn't. I was determined not to cry about this. If there was any way I'd have stayed before, it was completely out the window now. I was gone.

"Why?" was all I said to him.

"I was drunk," he said quietly. He wouldn't dare look at me now.

"You're drunk all the time, Brian. I don't see why this time is any different. But you know what? It doesn't matter. I'm keeping my promise," I said, and I turned away from the bathroom. I went over to my closet and pulled out my duffle bag, and started to pack things I'd need wherever I was going to go.

That was my only problem now. I'd never worked out just where I'd go if I left Brian. I had nowhere to go now.

I zipped up the duffle and left the room, going into Adelle's. I grabbed her bad, and started packing her things as well. Once I finished, I took both bags down the stairs and headed for the door. I still hadn't let one single tear fall, and I was determined to keep it that way. This was what I had wanted, after all. I guess I just didn't think it would happen this way.

I grabbed my bags, and hoisted Adelle's on my hip so I could grab the door handle. As soon as I opened it, I was met with Matt's fist in the air, ready to knock on the door.

"Oh, Vik. Hey," he said surprised, slowly lowering his hand.

"Hey Matt, what's up?" I asked, trying to stay calm.

"I was just coming to see where Brian was. He failed to show up at the studio... again," he said with a sigh. I saw his eyes glance down to the two bags. He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "...You going somewhere?" he asked, looking back up at me.

I nodded. "I'm leaving," I said shortly. He knew what I meant with just those two words.

"... Where are you gonna stay?" he asked as we both stood there in the open doorway.

"That part of the plan wasn't really made yet. I guess I'm going to stay in a hotel or something until I can get my own place," I said with shrug.

"Uh... if you want, you could stay with me. Both you and Adelle, I wouldn't mind. I've got a spare bedroom and everything," Matt said, speaking quietly.

"Oh gosh. I couldn't impose on you like that Matt, I--"

"You're not imposing. I'm offering. It wouldn't be a problem at all," he said. I stood there, quiet for a little while. "Look... Vikki, if its that much of a big deal, you can stay at least til you get on your feet," he offered again.

I smiled a little at him. "Thank you Matty," I said.

"What're friends for?" he said, smiling back. We walked out of the house, shutting the door behind us.

"So you want me to drive you, or are you okay to drive?" he asked, sensing I wasn't in the best mood at the moment.

"I'll just go with you. I can get my car tomorrow or something. We gotta pick up Adie though," I said, and got into the passenger seat of Matt's car. He drove along in silence and I sat there quietly.

It really happened. Brian really cheated on me. I felt my breathing getting faster. I really left him. For good. I started to panic. I didn't think this would really happen. I was full on crying now. There was no more holding back on the tears. I could have just made the biggest mistake of my life. I felt my throat starting to close up. I couldn't breathe. What if I made the wrong choice? This was all too much for me to handle right now. I was gasping. I was suffocating.

I was having a panic attack. I hadn't had one in years. I was gripping the handle on the door tightly, my knuckles turning white.

"Victoria!?" I heard Matt say loudly. I snapped back to reality. This was real. I was going to pass out if I didn't start breathing soon. I noticed the car was stopped. We were on the side of the road.

I felt Matt grasp my chin firmly in his strong hand, and he moved my head to face him.

"You need to calm down Vikki. Please. Take a deep breath," he said firmly. I tried to do what he said but I was panicking too much to do anything.

"Come on Vik, breathe... come on," he said, looking into my eyes. I looked straight back. I swallowed hard and breathed in as deep as I could.

"Good... now let it out slow," Matt instructed, his hand still holding my chin. I did as he said and let it out. I was slowly coming back to my senses.

"Okay good... Now do it again. Breathe in..." he said, his voice getting softer now that he knew he had my attention. I kept breathing as he told me to. My throat opened back up and I closed my eyes as I kept breathing and felt my heart stop racing.

"Alright, you okay?" Matt asked as he let go of my chin. I kept breathing slow and deep to make sure I stayed calm.

"Yeah... I'm okay. I just... I can't believe he fucking cheated on me. I can't believe I actually left him," I said quietly, leaning back into the seat.

"Everything's gonna be alright Vikki... you'll see," he said quietly. "You really scared the shit outta me," he said after a little while, and pulled the car back onto the road. "What happened to you?" he asked.

"Panic attack. I used to get them a lot when I was a kid, but as I got older they went away for the most part," I said slowly, and I shut my eyes, letting Matt continue driving to pick up Adelle.