I Need a Change

The silence that he left behind was shocking. It pressed in on my ears making it hard to think. I couldn’t accept that it was my fault. I wasn’t even sure if I could function properly. It was all too much, how could I be the one behind him leaving. I had thought I could love him; I had wanted to date him. I was ready to change or at least try to but now I just felt like throwing up. I stood up rushing for the bath room, ignoring the protests of Trey and Cookie.

I fell to the floor in front of the toilet after looking the door behind me. I was gagging already. Tears running down my face, my finger sliding into my mouth and down my throat. I start to gag hard, retching. I feel the heat start to bubble up from my stomach and up my throat. It started to burn as I threw up into the toilet, the water splashing up onto my cheek. I start to cough wiping my hand across my mouth and laying flat on the bathroom floor. My heart is pounding and stomach aching. I had been doing so well at not throwing up and the burn was familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. My head was spinning and throbbing. Pain entering and exiting my head at random intervals. There was a pounding at the door, three quick knocks and a voice.

“Open the door Ally. Open it right now.” I flushed the toilet and braced myself against the sink. I leaned over splashing some water onto my face and taking a breath. “Open the god damn door Ally.” Marshall sounded so angry but I couldn’t take it knowing that I was the reason behind him leaving. I slam my hand into the door and groan loudly.

“Go away!” I yell at him through the door. I slide down to the floor, my back against the door. I hear him chuckle on the other side of the door, the chuckle is humorless and cold.

“I don’t have to go away, you’re in my house remember Ally.” His voice is level with my head. I sigh and push myself back against the door the wood protesting.

“Actually it’s your mom’s house.” I say childishly. Throwing an elbow back against the door and cursing under my breath after I hit my funny bone. Whoever decided to start calling it the funny bone is stupid. There is nothing funny about it at all. It hurts and tingles and just isn’t good at all.

“Ok sure it’s my mom’s house but I’m living here. And are you ok, you sounded like you hurt yourself.” His voice is a forced calm that sort of bugs.

“I’m fine, why do you even care?” I yell through the door. I throw my head back hitting it a little bit too hard against the door. There is another pound from the other side of the door.

“I care because . . . because you matter to me ok.” His voice is exasperated. He sounds tired and over talking about this with me. “Please come out of there.” He pleads.

“No, I don’t understand why this is my fault.” My voice shakes and the burn of tears comes to my eyes. I push away from the door standing up and telling myself not to care. I look at myself in the mirror my eyes bloodshot. I start to run the cold water, rubbing my eyes, trying to make it look normal.

“I’ll explain it sort of when you come out.” I sigh and unlock the door walking out of the bath room. Marshall is standing there looking disheveled with Trey and Cookie behind him smiling slightly. If I didn’t know better I would say they were up to something. But I could think about that later.

“Start explaining.”