Then

Her cold fingers pierce my warm ones. I look to her closed pale eyelids looking for some hope of them to re-open to see those sparkling eyes that use to make my insides turn. It’s a fantasy that will never be fulfilled, I’m in a nightmare and I can’t wake up.

I look around and I’m drowning in a sea of black with blue spray and tacky decorations. A sigh escapes my lips; I rub my already red eyes and sniff holding back whatever tears I could have left. My eyes feel as though they have no energy to stay open, my soul wants them to close so I can flow to another world and be with the one I love.

Unfortunately life isn’t expected to do what I wish, but only what a greater power has in store for me.

I walk away from the wooden coffin, closing my eyes and breathing out a heavy sigh. The colorful flowers and pictures placed on corkboards displaying wonderful memories of better days, stain my brain. I try to swallow the lump in my throat, to shove down all the things I could of said but didn’t.

I can see I’m in most of the pictures, not really smiling though. Maybe if I would of smiled I could have prevented this.

“Good morning everyone, if you’ll take your seats we will start.” The pastor announced. I went to my seat in the front row and sat next to close friends.

Today was a day I didn’t want to participate in. I can feel the hurt in the air, with each breath I take it’s like a knife stabbing my heart to see loved ones in pain, and even my enemies. Today was no day for vengeance it was a time to grieve.

“Before we start would anyone like to say a few words about the deceased?” A few people broke into tears no one would blame them; it’s hard to acknowledge a lost friend. I look around the room hearing sniffles and sobs. Not a single person stood up. I decide to be the first one.

My feet feel as if they are cased in cement, and with each heavy step towards the podium I take my heart races. I place my clammy, cold hands on the wood and I glance at everyone and look beside me at the girl I love laying in a box. I take in a sharp breath and clear my throat. I try to say something but it doesn’t seem like it wants to come out.

I look towards her once more and my eyes are fixated on her. “I remember trying not to stare the night I first met you, you had me memorized.” I sniff and give a small smile, I want her here with me again like we once were.

My 20th concert, she was sitting right in front of center stage. I was looking at her when we played Hello Beautiful. I sat on the most uncomfortable stool and hearing thousands of girls screaming. Not my best day. But the only thing that stood out to me was this girl. She was petite, sitting in her chair and arms folded neatly on her lap. I found her intriguing; she was the only one quiet enough to listening to the meaning of my song. Watching her I could determine a few habits. She wasn’t afraid to look at me, whenever I caught her attention she wouldn’t blush and get frazzled she just smiled more. Also playing with her necklace was a sign of happiness Whenever I smiled back she would twirl with her fingers. She stayed silent not speaking a word, a small smile on her face. Her chestnut color eyes locked with mine throughout the rest of my performance. Before I walked off she mouthed ‘Great job’.

She had me hooked. After my song I had Rob get her and we met properly back stage. Her hair was raven black with hints of red shining off of her. My eyeballs absorbing every feature she had, a scratch, moles, curves… just about everything. But I must say her voice was the best thing about her. It was soft and gentle, she didn’t scream. She shook my hand and introduced herself. Darynn, her name unusual but unique which is a refreshing change from all the Brittany’s and Jessica’s I have met.

I asked her out and she said yes.

“Three weeks later, on her front porch light it took forty-five minutes to her kiss goodnight.” I laughed a little and just kept my eyes on her. My voice softened.

“I hadn't told you yet but I thought I loved you then.” I heard a few sobs coming from Darynn’s mom. “Darynn was one of a kind, she was perfect in every aspect…” I took a deep breath looking at Glenna. “Your daughter was genuine, she never lied and she was the best friend I will always have. She loves you, and always will.”

I another deep breath hit my lungs when I surveyed the crowd. “I remember taking you back to right where I first met you. You were so surprised…” He looked back to Darynn at the diamond ring on her finger.

“There were people around, but I didn't care. I got down on one knee right there. I thought I loved you then.” I let a few more tears out.

I made myself stand up a little straighter, and I brushed my messy curls out of my face. “She really was amazing.” I looked at my wedding band. “I could just see you, with a baby on the way and I could just see you, when your hair is turning gray with me.” More tears came.

“What I can't see is how I'm ever gonna love you more…” I sobbed and looked at her. My voice started to crack.

“But I've said that before… you were my whole life and you were my whole world. I just can't believe how I felt about you, girl.” I felt tiny footsteps come up to me. I looked down at a little girl. Not even two years old and she was walking. I picked her up and she hugged me. Her small pink dress and curly brown hair was all me but her having those all too familiar chestnut eyes.

My girl looked at the coffin “Mommwa.” She said and I watched her reach her hand to Darynn and started crying. I rocked her.

“Sarah, We'll look back someday, at this moment that we're in
And I'll look at you and say, I thought I loved her then.”