If I Didn't Know Better, I'd Believe Only That Which I'd Heard

I had always loved the snow.

Once people reach a certain age, and the novelty of playing in the powdery substance wears off, snow becomes a nuisance to most. It had to be shoveled and plowed, it made the roads difficult to drive on, it was cold, it was wet, and it brought ice. Yes, snow could be dangerous, but things of beauty often could be.

No one seemed to notice the beauty of it. Whenever the weatherman predicted the first snow, I would always find myself lying awake that night just waiting. Waiting for the first flakes of frozen wonder to fall from the sky and coat the world in beauty. A snow-covered scene was innocence in its simplest form and it never ceased to amaze me.

“You’re disgusting. I can’t believe that we’re related.”

The snowflakes were falling gently to the ground, nothing rushing it or trying to tell it how to fall; it just fell. I took a deep breath, the chilly air filling my lungs as my feet continued pedaling. The bike was old with brakes that barely worked, but it was my only means of escape right now. Unless, that is, I wished to walk the five miles.

“Look at you! You’re hideous! You’re not worth the space you take up, you piece of shit.”

I had known that going to see him was a mistake. He had left me with them, and he had never looked back. I thought maybe I was wrong, that he really did care about me, but I was proven wrong. The only reason he wanted to see me was to insult me. I pedaled harder, the cold air biting every inch of my exposed skin as the snow started to blur around me.

“Why would I have taken you with me? You’re nothing to me,nothing. Do you get that?”

I was sweating and overheating as I reached the spot midway between there and my new home. The home that actually felt like a home was supposed to, with people who loved me unconditionally. The home where I had been happy for almost two years.

“Stop thinking about,” I chided myself. “It’ll only make it worse.”

But I couldn’t let his words escape my mind’s grasp. No matter how hard I thought about the snow, how hard I thought about its magnificence, I couldn’t tear my thoughts away from his words that were burning in my thoughts. He was my flesh, my blood, and the only reason he wanted to see me was to he could tear me down like our parents had done to him.

“You’re a worthless load of shit.”

It was amazing how much words were like snow. The simple beauty that can turn harmful in mere seconds, and pile upon itself, burying you in it. Words and snow were so alike in so many ways, and right now both were burying me.

My breath slowly became ragged as I pedaled up a hill, the steep incline taking control of my mind temporally. The hill was steep and with the thin layer of slush-like snow, slick. I reached the top, out of breath, and saw the last stretch of the sidewalk. One mile, going completely straight, of the wide walkway lined on either side with trees, shrubs, and streetlights that were just beginning to flicker to life in the fading daylight.

“No one’s ever loved you, and no one ever will.”

I shudder, only partly from the cold. His voice was filling my head as I paused at the beginning on the last mile. I ran my fingers through my hair, which was knotted and damp because of the falling snow. I let my breath even itself out before I started pedaling the bike once more, the snow still encasing the world around me as I continued on my way home.

Home.

Home was another thing like the snow. It could be amazing and something that brought you the uttermost joy that you could never get enough of. But, at the same time, it could be dangerous, and could ultimately lead to your death.

Maybe I’m the only one who sees the similarities between snow and some of the most common things. Maybe they’re nothing alike, and my mind is just playing tricks on me, trying to comfort me by finding similarities with one of the things I love the most in the world.

“You don’t deserve love.”

Tears began to slowly trickle down my face, numb with the cold, and I didn’t bother to wipe them off. As I climbed off the bike, I realized something important.

He was wrong.

I was worth something, and there are people in this world who love me. It’s true that my biological family, my mother and father, and him, my brother, could care less about me, but inside this building in front of me were people who loved me. People who chose me. And I deserved to love, and to be loved.

I deserved to be happy, to find beauty and wonder in the simple things in life. Simple things like a snowy day that covered the world in innocence.