Running on Adrenaline

When I got back to the room, I quickly grabbed my pillow and blanket; they were all sleeping peacefully so I snuck out quietly to avoid waking them.

I knocked quietly on Hannah’s door, and she answered, still wide awake. I smiled and she laughed and let me in. Her roommates greeted me and when Hannah explained that I roomed with Heidi, they understood why staying with Hannah tonight.

As I pulled the blanket to my chin and nuzzled my cheek into my pillow, I suddenly felt extremely homesick, and I know tomorrow this feeling would get worse, I knew I needed to call someone tomorrow. I shut my eyes tightly and readied myself for the dream I would soon be dropped into.

* * *

Blood, on the sheets, blood the floor, blood on the razor. I looked down at my hands and his blood covered them too. I rubbed them incessantly to get rid of the blood and in an instant it was gone. My eyes shot open, just like I had anticipated, the dream leached into my head. My body was heavy and I moved slowly sitting up and finally letting the tears rim in my eyes. I looked to see my room was empty. I checked the clock that lay on Hannah’s bedside, according to it; I had missed 2 hours of classes. I moved to find a post-it note stuck on my hand.

"Couldn’t wake you up this morning. Cya at lunch"

I was suddenly afraid of what I gave away while in the deep slumber.
I walked back to my room, rubbing my hands subconsciously. I stopped myself and lay on my bed. As much as I didn’t want to, I knew it was time to call my mother. I twirled my hair into a messy bun and pinned my fringe up, I walked reluctantly through the halls to the front desk I visited on my first day here.

“Can I call my mum?” I asked, my voice shook uncontrollably.
The lady behind the desk saw my face, and hurriedly led me into a room where a phone lay, she dialed the number and left me to sit alone.
“Hello?” the voice on the other end sounded freshly woken.
“I’m so sorry” the tears welled up in my eyes and I fought back the sobs, the dream had haunted me the night of my brother’s death anniversary for the past 3 years. I knew it so well now, unfortunately.

“Just promise me something Amelia” My mum begged, she didn’t sound any better than me.
“Anything mum” I sobbed and wiped the tears from my eyes with the sleeve of my sweater.
“Don’t ever come to what he did” she finally chocked out “I sent you there for a reason”
“I know” as much as I resented my parents, I knew why they did what they did.
They were afraid that they would loose me like they lost him. To tell you the truth, for the few months after his death, I got wasted almost all the time to avoid being in reality and it was safe to say that I always turned to a razor for comfort. And it took one last situation for them to realize I needed help. And as much as I would refuse the idea, I called out to them in one way or another.

We said our goodbyes and I told her to leave flowers at his grave like she and I would do together every year. Once I hung up the phone, I tried my best to breathe deeply and calm myself. I walked out and back through the maze of corridors to my room, where Tom was waiting.
“What are you doing here?” I rubbed my forehead and wiped my eyes and nose to clear any evidence of crying. He just looked at me and sighed.

The silence that filled the space between us was almost the same as the silence we shared after that awkward kiss.

“Look, I need some sleep” I pointed my thumb towards my door.

“Wanna talk about it?” he finally blurted out.

I was so thankful he asked “Yes” I blurted back.

He took my arm and linked it in his, right now he felt like just a friend. A friend I could hope to count on.

“Its 3 years today, my brother died” saying it out loud was just too much, I said it quietly enough to hold my tears down.
Tom didn’t say anything, he just softly rubbed my arm and nodded, he understood. And I didn’t need to say anything else.
When the lunch bell rang Tom took me to my room to get changed and join the rest of them. My stomach growled but the thought of food made me feel sick.
We all sat there, and they looked at me through weary eyes. I just kept sipping at a bottle of water and finally snapped.
“GUYS” they all looked at me “I’m fine” I assured.
This was then followed by a medley of questions, what’s wrong? Are you okay? What happened? This made me come to laughter and they all looked at me like I was insane.
“We all have our days, I’m fine, I promise”
“Whew, we were fucking worried for a second” Jeremy finally said.
And in almost an instant, they were back to normal, talking loudly and laughing. Tom still wearily laid his hand on my leg to comfort me as they all talked. I felt safe, I felt like they really cared about me.

It was amazing how fast another night of the band competition came, and oddly, I felt like I could do this without feeling like I was gonna puke my guts.
As I straightened my hair by myself, Heidi burst through the door talking about how good her boyfriend’s band were, blah fucking blah.

I rolled my eyes as she spoke, and she must have caught it because her next words attacked me.
“Wha’s yer problem?” she flicked her gorgeous blonde hair and crossed her legs, waiting for an answer.
I shrugged and went back to straightening my hair.
“The only way yeh band would get to the next round is if yeh started havin’ a lot of sex” she mocked.
“Yeah” I agreed “maybe in dark rooms like you and Oli, you guys are a classy pair” I mused sarcastically.
She looked horrified “how do yeh know about that?” she stated quietly.
The girl who accompanied her looked disgusted, but amused.

“Gosh, its no biggie, he pulled me in there the other night thinking I was you” I explained leveled “Nothing happened” I held my hands up in defense. She just sat shocked.
“He told me differently” she said angrily.
“Someone’s in trouble” I laughed, under my breath.
“Don’t yeh laugh at me” she squealed.
I knew it was probably time to bail, so I grabbed the rest of my makeup and clothes and resorted to Hannah’s room to get dressed.
“Hannah” I yelled over the 80’s punk music she was currently jumping around to.
“Yeah?” she sang, pulling me in and swinging me around, I was forced to crack a smile, but I eventually broke from her grasp and threw myself onto her bed.
She finally turned it down and faced me “Wha’ ?”
“Heidi’s really annoying” I complained, she laughed.
“ ‘S tha’ it?”

I shoved her playfully as I slipped my grey jeans on with great difficulty. I lay on the bed and when I finally buttoned them up I stood up with stiff legs.
Hannah chuckled “Yeh butt looks good in them” she winked; I shook my head, smiling and slipped my shirt off.

Once again, Tom entered the room and I faced him fully, and we just stood there for a bit. I finally moved and walked fast to Hannah’s pile of shirts; I picked an oversized singlet with a ‘misfit’ written on it and slipped on some floral oxfords.
I then moved to the mirror, only to tilt my head to the side and shake my hair around a bit. I straightened the ends, and applied a dark rim around my eyes, I framed them with mascara and brushed on some blush quickly. I grabbed my leather jacket and Tom ushered us out to Jeremys car.

“So, you’re car is being nice to you today?” I joked as I climbed in the back, avoiding the drums as well as having little movement in my jeans.

“Don’t jinx it, she migh’ start goin’ off at meh again” he chuckled. Tom and Hannah piled in the back with me, and I could tell Tom was avoiding eye contact, as well as physical contact.
Once we arrived at the venue we unpacked the car, left out equipment backstage, and went to watch the other bands perform. This time Bring me the horizon played first, we all stood for moments on end waiting, then oli finally stomped on stage, followed by his band which looked proper devious, he somehow found my gaze in the audience, and the look he gave me made me sure Heidi had spoken to him. They finally started playing, rage, rage, rage, was all I saw.

“We’re on in 10” Jeremy announced loudly over the music, I nodded and we headed backstage to gather our equipment.

There was a slight problem, and by slight problem I mean all of our equipment was missing. Jeremy’s face filled with the color of red and he shook his head pointing to Oli’s direction on stage.

“Tha’s low, even for Oli” Tom mumbled.

“We have to tell the sound guy to distract the crowd” Jeremy was frantically running around searching for any trace of his guitar.

I approached him and lay my hands on his shoulders to calm him “I’ll tell him, okay?” Hannah took over as I ran out from backstage through the crown to the back of the venue to find a small booth with a blue beanie rummaging around in wires. I smiled.

I stood next to him and nudged his arm.

“Brian?”
He double took me and then just stared for a bit, and then he finally opened his mouth “Did you need something?”
“Just wanted to say hi, and I may need something” I battered my eyes ever so slightly.
“Shoot” he said as he turned a couple of knobs.
“Oli stole all of our equipment and now we need you to distract the audience with something”
He looked at me surprised “Why would he steal your equipment?”
“Because he hates me and I hate him and I think I may have caused a fight with his girlfriend and-“
Brian cut me off “You mean, you hate Oliver Sykes?”

“Why is that so hard for people to understand?” I threw my arms up “Never mind, ill distract them” and before Brian could say a word I left.

The announcer took the stage and called our name as Oli stood smugly beside him. I threw my jacket off and took the stage, swinging my arm around Olis shoulders and pulling the microphone to my mouth.

“We would just like to thank Oli here, for letting us use his equipment tonight, ours has seemed to have gone walk-about” I shrugged and pushed him off stage, he smiled until the crown couldn’t see him anymore, and then he gave me a look of pure evil. Hannah, Jeremy and Tom walked on stage laughing and taking the instruments from the rest of the band. After a few changes and soundchecks we were ready for another night of performing.

The heavy and fast drum roll hit the crowd hard and Jeremy was soon to throw out a few power chords. It felt good, it felt right. We all silenced for one second and then broke out loud and heavy as ever. I could feel the excitement in my veins as it rose to my throat and I sang the first verse. This time I was sure we had nearly the whole crowd going. A few people jumped forward to reach us as we played on.

I could see oli grow fast with anger after every chord we struck. When we finally finished our short set we happily jumped off stage and heard the crowd go mad.

“That’s it guys” the announcer yelled into the microphone “now before you guys leave, I’m pretty sure yeh want to know who’s out” he raised his hands and the crowd screamed wildly.

“The band that got voted out tonight, is Ghosts in my pants” he sighed “nice name in fellas” the crowd laughed and my heart started again, we were in. and it felt pretty damn good.

Before I could even celebrate oli grabbed my arm and pulled me off stage and close to his body. He then leaned in and whispered softly in my ear.

“Next time, we burn it”